The Butterfly Girlz blog

Always BE THERE for HER...

2011-10-10T11:33:00.000-07:00

Leave your thoughts in the comments...

Bullying!... it's Journal Entry Friday!

2011-10-07T06:03:00.000-07:00

THE GOAL OF A BULLY IS TO BREAK YOU!
...to break your spirit
...to shatter your self-confidence.
...to break the image in your mind of who you are.
...to chip away at the strength you have to one day be the best YOU you can be.
...to overpower you to make themselves feel better.
...to pull you down so low that they will be above you.

But the truth of the matter is - bullies are the lowest on humanity's totem pole
Their bellies touch the ground.
You can't get lower than that.

ALWAYS WALK AWAY!
No matter what they will say about you after you leave.
You know who you are.
You know you have what is missing from their lives.
You know by walking away you are stronger than they will ever be.

Pray for their pain to cease so they can see the beauty the hate keeps them from finding.

Write a letter to a bully who has targeted you.
He/she will never see this letter.
But your words will bless you and take the edge off the pain they have caused.

Tell them why their hate won't scathe you anymore...
Explain to them what your life has that makes it easy to walk away from them...

Write a letter to yourself and praise the beautiful young woman you are!
Give yourself compliments you may never have heard.
Highlight the things that bring beauty into your life.
Celebrate that beauty!

I know many of you are hurting everyday b/c of the words or actions by another teen. I know it hurts.

But just remember:

"The days will come when you don't have the strength

When all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
You're beautiful You're beautiful

You are made so much more than all of this..."
~MercyMe

Here's your journal page:

I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU AND I KNOW YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

I take OFFENSE... and so should YOU

2011-10-03T08:25:00.000-07:00

So, I was out with a good friend the other day and she asked me if I had seen a certain movie. I hadn't. I asked her what the language was like b/c I thought I had heard it was chockful of the F-bomb. She said yeah it was but we were grown ups so it was still a funny movie.

As my brain tried to make sense of what she said, I gave her my reason for not having any interest in seeing this movie.

"The people I surround myself with do not use that kind of language so when I hear it, it offends me. It wouldn't be enjoyable for me to sit through a movie like that."

She rolled her eyes.

This made me think.

It made me realize how "normal" our society has made offensive slurs, language and ideals.

And that was an "aha" moment for me as to the downfall of our youth's morals.

I have heard parents justify letting their children see a movie because, "It's not like they don't hear that language at the lunch table." Sure. Maybe that's true. But as a mom, I am not there to condone that behavior so that justification really does not make much sense.

I know a school guidance counsellor who will not allow students to swear in her office. If they swear, they have to get up, leaver her office, walk back in, apologize and start the conversation over withOUT using that language. Those who complain about this rule often say, "Miss So-and-So doesn't care when we swear in her classroom!" So, if this counsellor cringed through the language b/c other teachers did, she would soon become desensitized and less offended at that language...and the cycle would continue.

So, I want you to think about the friends you are affecting with your offensive language, the hate you spread, the gossip you choose to continue, the rumors you add a little meat to, the dirty jokes you laugh at..... at one point in your life these things made you cringe. You might not remember that. But I promise you, you did.

So, what in your life have you become desensitized to?

Pinpointing these things and using them as a guide to set your boundaries is like dusting and vaccuuming all the grime out of your life.

From time to time we need to do a little Spring Cleaning in our souls...

What will you wash away today?

I would LOVE if you commented on this post... share your thoughts... you can always remain anonymous!!

TOXIC PEOPLE, TOXIC SITUATIONS... it's Journal Entry Friday

2011-09-23T06:31:00.000-07:00

Toxic - acting as or having the effect of a poison; poisonous, harmful or deadly, likely to cause significant loss to the holder

So, read that definition and be honest with yourself. Today we will start identifying the things in your life that are TOXIC!

It could be a friendship, an acquaintance, a website, a job, one of your classmates, a boyfriend, a family member, something you are doing to your body, the thoughts in your mind or ARE YOU being toxic to someone else?

One of our older girls on A Girl's Gathering shared how she dealt with her TOXIC situation just last night...

"Girls today took a lot of strength for me to do but I did it, today I quit my job! I am ready to move on to the next chapter of my life and that drama filled place is not where it's at!"

All of the comments she received were supportive virtual high fives! We all knew she did the right thing! But how many of us would have been strong enough to pull away from something like she did?

Sometimes that toxic situation is our closest friend, a family member or the boy we have been dating for a long time. Don't fool yourself into believing that if it would be difficult to walk away, then it's not TOXIC. Many girls fall into this trap, especially with boys! We think that if it's going to hurt, then it must be the wrong choice when, in fact, sometimes the BEST decisions HURT THE MOST!

You know what relationships are like poison in your life. What relationship or situation just seems to suck the life out of you? Who are you with when you feel at your lowest? In what situation do you find yourself doing things that are far from who people believe you to be?

It's time to start doing some soul searching...

Make a list of situations where you made some (or thought about it) bad choices...

Jot down the thoughts you are entertaining that seem ok until you imagine yourself admitting them out loud...

Then make a plan for how you will walk away! It could just save your life.

If you don't have anyone to talk to about this, come join the conversation on A Girl's Gathering or email me privately at mybutterflygirlz@yahoo.com

Use the journal page below to take this first step to save yourself from the drama of toxic relationships and situations!

Demi Lovato and BULLYING

2011-09-22T11:42:00.000-07:00

You wanna talk ROLE MODEL?

Demi Lovato discusses her struggles very openly on Ellen. She takes the hand she was dealt and turns it into a way to bless others.

Demi also admits that her almost-near-death struggles are directly related to the bullying she suffered in school. The mean words and hateful comments from her peers almost destroyed her even after she had hit the big time. Bullying is SERIOUS! Whether it's done in person or online... it can truly take the life out of you.

But what is so refreshing to see is someone as HUGE as Demi Lovato being REAL... being HUMAN!
We are all human and this celebrity takes that very seriously. There is no pretending with this pop star. She is REAL, she is AUTHENTIC and there is something to be said for her strength and resolve.
If you missed her conversation with Ellen, check it out here:

...and then she performed...

video platform video management video solutions video player

Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #6

2011-09-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,

I've realized that there really can never be a ending to these feelings..

You never just wake up and feel amazing again..

That's just not the way life is..

Each day is a struggle, but everyone handles it different..

Some people have different struggles, some just can't handle life..

It's a constant climb up a slippery slope..

Can anyone make it to the top? Does anyone even want to? What's it like up there? I'm sure there are a lot of people up there, cheering us all on..

Maybe we're so far down, we can't hear them..

But just because we can't hear them, does that mean their there? I guess it's the same with depression..

Even if I can't feel it, I just kind of KNOW that it's there..

But I have the choice to give up and slide voluntarily down that slippery slope to the sharp rocks below..

Or I could look my demons right in the eye and say, "I will be strong, I won't back down, you've made me small, but I won't submit anymore.."

it's gonna be harder saying that, but I just keep thinking, that at my funeral, whenever it may be, I don't want them to say, "she succumbed to her demons, she let them have her.."

I want them to say " she struggled, but she never stopped fighting.."

Hey! Hey!

2011-09-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you just want to S.C.R.E.A.M!

How many times has an adult said, "You can't worry about what other people think!"

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT?! Wouldn't it be easier to herd 100 cats into a garage filled with Great Danes?

Well, for me, it makes it easier when I am struggling with something to remember that I am NOT ALONE. Right? Think of something you struggle with or worry about.... do you honestly think you are the ONLY person who feels this way?

We are in this together, right? There's always going to be someone who shares your insecurity, your fears, your struggles.

I always encourage girls to STICK TOGETHER - we are SISTERS in this thing called LIFE! We need to ban together and HOLD ON, cuz it's gonna be a wild ride.

This is what girls are starting to feel through my workshops - it's a safe zone. No judging. No cliques. Just OPEN, HONEST REAL GIRLS! And it is so refreshing!

This video is for you! SUPERCHICK is one of my favorite bands! Enjoy this song! And live it!

HEY! HEY!

THINK before you ACT... it's Journal Entry Friday!

2011-09-09T06:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever acted on impulse and then had to live with regret? Sometimes it's a small mistake and sometimes it is life-changing. When I was in high school, my friends and I regularly talked about how awesome it would be if we could have ONE REWIND for every perplexing scenario.

So, you hear that the boy you like might be asking someone else to Prom. So, if we had this ONE REWIND, we could ask him to Prom before he asks the other girl and if the result is mortifying, we could REWIND, not ask him and move on.

Or, if you were considering sacrificing one of the personal boundaries you had set for yourself you could cross that line, see what the result was and REWIND if it proved itself to be a boundary that shouldn't be crossed.

OK, WAKE UP! No more daydreaming.

Life isn't like that - we learn by trial and error. If it doesn't work, don't do it again.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." ~Albert Einstein

But what about the FIRST time we are faced with those situations or scenarios? How do you decide what the right choice is? Is it even POSSIBLE to know what the right decision is?

I can promise you that if you sit down and write out what your PERSONAL BOUNDARIES are and you LIVE THOSE BOUNDARIES - those "what if" scenarios won't seem so daunting. The RIGHT choice will just stand right out.

Jenna chose to cross a boundary she thought she had securely set:

"It's not like one day you decide to get pregnant. It's a series of compromises, small decisions that lead to a big consequence; and that moment when you find out you're having a baby, everything changes forever. I got pregnant the first night I had sex. That one night of drinking with my friends changed the course of my life forever...if you don't stay closely connected to God and have a strong accountability in your life, what seems like tiny physical compromises in a relationship can lead to huge regrets."

So, I ask you all the time to think about your boundaries but this time I want you to make those boundaries CONCRETE! But here's the catch... you need to be consistent in those boundaries in THOUGHT, WORD and ACTION. So, your journal entries will look like this:

Boundary ---->
Thought ---->
Word ----->
Action----->

Then you will repeat these 4 things down the page - one set of 4 for each boundary you will set.

Here's an example on GOSSIP:

Boundary ----> No gossiping.
Thought ----> When someone tells me something about someone else, I need to realize it is not FACT unless I hear it directly FROM the person the gossip is about
Word -----> I will not spread gossip or tell info about someone else that is not in that person's best interest
Action-----> I will tell others to STOP when I am privy to gossip and I will speak my mind on how hurtful those words can be to the person who is not even there to stand up for themself or tell their side

Now, it's your turn.

Use the journal page below if you don't have your own journal and start SETTING YOUR BOUNDARIES that will keep you from having REGRET!

Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #5

2011-09-06T19:38:00.000-07:00

Dear journal,
Every day is simply a memory, yesterday seems so long ago, but it's really only hours ago.

But hours can be a long time, if you are waiting for something. It always takes longer.

I'm waiting for life. A better life. If I decided to get better, and someone asked me the next day when I stopped hurting myself, I could honestly say "a long time ago." time is just like that, I guess...

What would it be like to honestly be "fine"? I wonder if it would be nice, not to feel all the hurt. I wish I could just erase it from memory, and never remember it again.

Maybe I could smile without that little voice in the back of my head asking me "are you really smiling because your happy? Or because it relieves everyone else and its just what they want to see..."

Gosh, I hate that voice..

COURAGE: it's Journal Exercise Friday

2011-09-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's post was a short "get ya going" kind of discussion on preparing yourself for situations where you will need courage. Read about it HERE.

You know that there will be situations, at least weekly and sometimes daily that will call for you to do the right thing. But doing the right thing isn't always so easy, is it? Just like any other situation you have to prepare for, you need to practice your response so it comes naturally. You want it to become second-nature.

Yesterday I talked about SMALL STEPS, how to start nurturing your COURAGE without even needing to utter a word. Walking away from a situation you don't agree with is a great first step. And simple!

LARGE LEAPS are the next things that you will work up to. This is where you will start putting your feelings into words and sharing how you feel verbally. This is difficult to do so what makes it easier? Practice. Practice. Practice. Does that mean you have to be in the same awful situation 100 times before you get it right? Nope. It means you become a really good script writer. What? Yes, script writing!

This is one of my favorite things I teach girls to do. If you think you can't take anymore drama, but you only think of the perfect thing to say AFTER the drama is over, or you flip out and then spend the next two weeks mending the wounds you created with your temper then you are a perfect candidate for a script!

You know the typical situations that require a response that you are never prepared to give. Maybe it's an annoying person at school that uses you as the brunt of their jokes or gossip. Maybe it's a boy who pressures you in ways you feel are unacceptable. Each of you will have different scenarios so there is no ONE script I can give you to solve your problem. This is part of courage, where you step up and script your life.

A couple weeks ago I was talking to a girl who was having a situation come up with boys at school who were mocking her and making her feel stupid in front of other people. She felt this situation was happening because she is a peacemaker - she is someone, like me, who HATES confrontation, HATES to have arguments, HATES drama. She was an easy target because she would never 'come back' with anything - she would ignore their words but soon be in private in tears with embarrassment.

She said that when this was happening she always wished she had the perfect thing to say when people do that so she would come out on top. She would stand up for herself and in her own way. Not out of anger, not through tears, but in that moment that is just too difficult to comprise that kind of response. The natural response would be to flip out and end up becoming more of a target.

So, we wrote a script. Something that got her feelings across simply and respectfully (because no matter how badly someone disrespects you, it is never a good idea to play that same card in your response) and most importantly to her, calmly and without need for drama.

"You know, when you feel the need to belittle someone and make them feel stupid, it shows that you are weak and have to make someone else look as little as you feel. I feel bad for you. You should talk to someone about that."

This is a TRUTH, it is RESPECTFUL and it was in the CALM STYLE that is her personality.

Now what? Does she write it on her arm everyday in preparation for the next time he picks on her?

What does an actor do when the producer mails her the script? She practices. She learns her lines.

I told this sweet girl I was scripting with to practice this in the shower, while driving to school, before she goes to sleep. Out loud. You need to physically SAY these words, you need to HEAR yourself saying them. The more your let your brain and your mouth OWN your scripted responses, the EASIER it will be to say it to that person that needs to hear it.

This is such a fun EMPOWERING exercise!!! Now it's your turn.

Below is a journal page from the book - print it out and start journalling your scripts - you may have many or just one. But write it out. It doesn't need to be long. Simple and to the point is always better.

Fridays are going to be Journal Exercise Days, so get a folder, designate it as your Butterfly Girlz journal and print out the journal pages. Do the exercise. And as ALWAYS, share what you are thinking, how the exercises worked for you (or DIDN'T work) - I LOVE FEEDBACK!

Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #4

2011-08-31T08:24:00.000-07:00

Journal entry #4

Dear Journal,

I'm sitting in my room with my earphones in, listening to music, trying to NOT listen to my parents arguing. That's all they seem to do lately. And when they aren't together, all I hear is them griping about each other.

My dads job takes him away sometimes, and a few times I think my mom insinuated that my dad was sneaking off to see some other woman. That hurts me when i hear it. But I'm preparing myself ahead of time. If they separate (which is looking more and more likely) then I need to decide who I'm going to stay with...

Probably mom. But maybe dad. I'm not sure.

I can't tell anyone that my parents are fighting like this. I can tell them they are fighting, but I can't get into details. They wouldn't understand. They'd think I'm overreacting. But they don't understand what it's like when the only thing you hear all day is arguing.

When my dad and mom aren't arguing, it's my sisters or sometimes even me! I'm getting so sick of it! Cant they just... Stop?

When I do my school, I get so stressed. I can't concentrate! No one understands. My mom, again, believes I'm just being lazy.

But she doesn't know what it's like when all you want to do is collapse and let the world drain out of you. When you just can't go on, but you have to anyways. It's so hard!

But... I can't explain that to anyone. Because no one understands.

I'm alone...

Wear your heart on your... shirt!

2011-08-30T09:26:00.000-07:00

When you have something to say... say it loud.

"Live by example or step aside so someone else can." - the butterfly girlz

Order your very own BUTTERFLY GIRLZ T-shirt while you still have school shopping to do!

All proceeds benefit "Butterfly Girlz" and "the gathering" programs and workshops.

Pass it on.

Click on the shirt and order yours now!

Kindergarten could teach us ALOT...

2011-08-29T08:34:00.000-07:00

As I put my baby boy on the bus this morning for his first day of Kindergarten, I was reminded of a book by Robert Fulghum that I have kept close to my heart for almost two decades.

I thought it was appropriate on what may be your FIRST DAY of school.

As you read these things, please THINK about them... one at a time... so simple, yet so poignant!

We could all learn a few things from our nearest Kindergartener... just not the picking-the-nose part!

Enjoy!

[Source: "ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN" by Robert Fulghum. See his web site at http://www.robertfulghum.com/ ]

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN

(a guide for Global Leadership)

All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.
These are the things I learned:

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm.

Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #3

2011-08-24T06:04:00.000-07:00

Journal entry #2

Dear Journal,
Well, today's a new day, pretty much the same as the last.. People are rushing, rushing, complaining, arguing, and criticizing... Am I wrong to just sit and watch? It seems lately I'm too tired to do anything but watch.. Why am I so tired lately? I mean, I'm tired of living, tired of fighting with myself, tired of tossing and turning night after night, trying to get these feelings out of my head.. That's mostly why my mom complains.. She thinks I'm lazy.. I guess I am.. But I feel so weak and helpless. I don't feel like I'm good enough for anything else... Can I just scream at the world, and make it stop? Can someone please stop this roller coaster called life? I'd like to get off now...

What's your SHIRT say?... it's Journal Entry Friday!

2011-08-19T12:49:00.000-07:00

So, wouldn't it be cool if we could have our personality strengths on our clothing so people who only notice someone's looks could have a quick peek inside our soul before they started making their judgements?

This shirt is the one I designed and is on cafepress showing what The Butterfly Girlz as a group stand for.

What would your shirt say?

Have you ever thought of the things you stand for? Have you ever wished you KNEW what you stood for? Sometimes if you jot down the things you dislike about humanity, you can turn those around into the things you WANT to stand for.

For example, do you hate when people lie? Then you can stand for TRUTH. Do you have trouble trusting people who cheat? Then you can stand for INTEGRITY. And so on.

This week's journal assignment is for you to DESIGN YOUR OWN SHIRT with what you STAND for! This could be really cool, considering you can upload designs to cafepress and then order your OWN shirt to wear proudly! SOOOOO COOOL!

As always, copy and print the journal page or use your own journal for your sketches, PLEASE leave a link where we can all see your designs!

Now, get ready, get set, DRAW!!!

HAVE FUN!

Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #2

2011-08-17T04:40:00.000-07:00

I am thrilled to introduce the second installment of the newest feature on The Butterfly Girlz Blog, "Girl with SCARS," which is a series of journal entries that will amaze you. These journal entries are REAL, truly from a young girls journal. 'Girl with SCARS' writes these journal entries as a way of healing. Some are painful, some are sad and all will leave you wanting more.

Please give a Butterfly Girlz welcome to our anonymous teen writer who prefers, 'Girl with SCARS,' to her own name.

Journal Entry #2

Dear Journal,
Normally when you see someone, "hey! How are you?" is the most popular starting sentence, to which one usually answers with "fine." or "great!" or something along the lines of that.. Usually the person asking the question is satisfied with the pretty boring usual answer, although they sometimes get a puzzled, thoughtful look on their faces, like they're considering asking you again for confirmation as to if you are truly 'fine.' If that happens, I usually decide that it's about time to change the subject. I can fake being 'great' when asked once, but after the second time, my mind starts questioning me.. "should I trust them and tell them that I'm really feeling horrible? What if they start asking more questions? Can I think of solutions to best/worst case scenarios? " if I decide that the person in question is reliable, then I confide that I am terrible, then topics get deep, and I end up telling more than I wanted to.. Usually I end up regretting it... You see, I have trust issues.. But not you're average run-of-the-mill "I can't trust anyone" trust issues.. Mine are more of the opposite actually.. I trust people too easily, and they usually let me down... But its like, I want to trust SOMEONE out there, so I let my walls down, and people return my trust for more hurt... Which ends up making me have the average run-of-the-mill trust issues.. It's quite complex actually...

SKUNKS - they just spread the stink!

2011-08-16T08:24:00.000-07:00

So, I have been thinking alot about SKUNKS.

Yuk!

I don't dislike the skunks, I guess.

But I do hate their STINK!

Here's the thing with SKUNKS:

they are carnivores - out for blood
they are sneaky and only lurk in the shadows - They simply aren't a very brave species because you rarely see them out from under a safe cover and when you do, they are running to hide behind something else
when threatened the SPRAY - a small amount goes a long way, their negative stench can be smelled for miles and can reach farther in a short amount of time than they could go on foot
they are the chief carrier of rabies - They are quick spread disease among their kind as well as other species who cross their paths
they have these really nasty sharp claws that they use to dig - They can find things below the surface by digging deeper than most species would care to take the time to do
they are loners - they can "coexist" with other carnivores but rarely allow themselves "close" to others of their kind or other species
we ignore them - we stay out of their way and we don't get sprayed, right?

So, you are asking.... why the conversation about SKUNKS?!

Think about the last person who said something unkind to you that was just UNCALLED FOR... SKUNK!

Think about that comment posted on your facebook that hurt.... SKUNK!

Think about the girl in school who always has a negative comment about other people... SKUNK!

Now, go back and re-read the description of SKUNKS and put those people in your mind in place of a furry little animal.

I have thought about this for a long time...

People who put others down, make fun of people, bully, etc are PUBLICLY ADMITTING that they have low self esteem.

They might as well have a shirt made:

So, when these kinds of people cross your path - although it is sad to watch them head down a dangerous path - sometimes it is best to just head the other way. Ignore. Look away. Avoid. Just like you would if they had a long black and white tail and a REALLY stinky BUTT!

So, this has me thinking:

Could we change the way we think about people who bully? What if we actually started to SEE their actions as a cry for help? Instead of seeing them as strong - their actions prove that they are weak - so, what if that's how we started to see them?

I am NOT suggesting that the rest of us start feeling SUPERIOR! I am just wondering if the bullies realized that their actions were alerting people that THEY THEMSELVES are INSECURE - maybe they would stop.

Maybe if more people knew that bullying was actually a clinical symptom of depression (this is true!), the kids who bully would get help quicker and before the problem got worse. Before they hurt someone or themselves. Maybe the bullies wouldn't act out if they knew WE knew what those actions were saying about the state of mind they were in.

So, this logo needs an acronym - what could the letters S.K.U.N.K stand for that would get this point across in a respectful yet creative way?

CONTEST!

The person who comes up with the BEST acronym wins THE FIRST T-SHIRT of its kind with YOUR acronym on it!

Send your entries in the comments section!

Soul Surfer and it's Journal Entry Friday!

2011-08-12T09:33:00.000-07:00

This movie was incredible! I cried through the whole thing - just so incredibly moved. I think the thing that had me the most choked up was that the story is TRUE. Absolutely TRUE!

SOUL SURFER is the inspiring true story of teen surfer Bethany Hamilton, who lost her arm in a shark attack and courageously overcame all odds to become a champion again, inspiring millions worldwide through the love of her family, her sheer determination, and her unwavering faith in Jesus Christ. The film features an all-star cast, including AnnaSophia Robb and Helen Hunt, with Carrie Underwood in her film debut, and Dennis Quaid. (borrowed from Soul Surfer website)

My favorite line from the movie was after she lost her arm her dad was helping her try to get up on her board again and he was warning her that it wouldn't be easy. She said, "I don't need easy, I need possible."

"I don't need easy, I need possible."

What in your life isn't easy... but is still possible?

Your journal entry assignment is to come up with this list. If at all possible, I would suggest watching the movie JUST before making your list. The trauma and struggles that Bethany Hamilton endured are sure to put your life's drama into perspective.

I want to challenge you to put your list somewhere where you will see it EVERYDAY to keep your mind focused on the fact that what is possible isn't always easy!

What is possible isn't always easy!

I would love if you shared some of your list with us in the comments.

As always, feel free to print out this journal page to complete the assignment.

Introducing: Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #1

2011-08-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

I am thrilled to introduce the newest feature on The Butterfly Girlz Blog, "Girl with SCARS," which is a series of journal entries that will amaze you. These journal entries are REAL, truly from a young girls journal. 'Girl with SCARS' writes these journal entries as a way of healing. Some are painful, some are sad and all will leave you wanting more.

Please give a Butterfly Girlz welcome to our anonymous teen writer who prefers, 'Girl with SCARS,' to her own name.

Journal Entry #1

Dear Journal,
I was making cookies with my grandma today, and I was scraping the cookies off the baking sheet and placing them on paper towels on the counter... As my grandma walked off towards the dining room to read more of her book, she stated over her shoulder, "just don't burn yourself!" I wanted to reply with "I usually try not to burn myself grandma." but before I opened my mouth, my mind went back to the first time I hurt myself, myself... I had burned myself..

Why? I look down onto the innocent hair tool in my hand. Why? I try to control the shaking inside as I slip my wrist in-between the straighteners bars. Why? I wait to feel the heat, the heat that promises to relieve my pain. Why? I close my eyes tight and brace myself. Why? My skin tingles under the warmth.

Then it's over. I stare at the red mark on my wrist. Did I really just allow that to happen? Did I really just do that? As I stare at the red fading back to my normal skin tone, I breathe heavily.

What have I done?

More Beautiful You - Jonny Diaz

2011-08-09T16:08:00.000-07:00

My new favorite song!

Be Beautiful

2011-08-09T06:30:00.000-07:00

Happy Tuesday!
You are BEAUTIFUL!

Be a Songwriter! It's Journal Entry Friday!

2011-08-05T08:01:00.000-07:00

Well, Wednesday I posted Demi Lovato's video SKYSCRAPER. I think this song is SO RAW and SO RELEVANT for so many girls today. Demi's life has turned upside down while her fans watch and she has pulled herself up and started to heal with us as her audience.

As I watched the video for the first time all I could think was how HEALING it must have been to literally let it all out on camera. Her face, her voice, her clenched fists all say, "This has n't been easy, but I will survive!"

Think of the worst thing you have ever been through - maybe you are going through it right now - wouldn't it be amazing to let go of all the pain and fill the air around you will words that will help you to heal?

Picture yourself on the set of that video, put YOU in the spotlight instead of Demi and watch the video play out in your mind...(don't let the "I don't have her voice" thought even enter your mind...in this exercise you DO have her voice) the camera has just YOUR face in its gaze, YOU are screaming out YOUR pain, YOUR tears come, YOUR fists are clenched and it's YOUR feet walking on broken glass.... the camera pans back and it is YOU letting go of all the pain and all the turmoil...

Now, I can't promise you a video crew and a multi-million dollar video out of this but writing YOUR song would be amazing, wouldn't it?

So, for your journal entry this week, I want you to model a song after Demi's - use the tune and her lyrics as your guide but change the words into YOUR OWN.

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears
I awaken and untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed
All my windows still are broken but I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

Go run run run I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear yeah
Go run run run yeah it's a long way down
But I'm closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Ohh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

I WOULD LOVE LOVE LOVE to see what you have written if you are comfortable sharing! Please leave it as a comment so others can see your heart - I think you will find this exercise VERY freeing! I am excited to see what your heart tells you!

And, as always, feel free to print and use the journal page provided!

Demi Lovato... SKYSCRAPER

2011-08-03T08:59:00.000-07:00

Watch her face...
See her eyes...
Feel her pain...
Let it heal you...

Are you a FACEBOOK fake?

2011-08-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

Facebook says, "How you present yourself on Facebook says a lot about who you are—just like what you say and do at school or with your friends. In all public places, online and off, it’s important to represent yourself as the kind of person you want to be."

So, WHO are YOU?

Take a peek back through the last couple days of your facebook use... how did you portray yourself?

Did you use foul/offensive language?

Did you threaten someone?

Did you post personal information about yourself or someone else?

Now, here's a real meter for how you are portraying yourself...

Think of someone who thinks you are the greatest - a grandmother, the little girl you babysit for, your little sister or the lady from church...

Now. go back and peek at the last couple days of what you have posted... on yours and the walls of your "friends" - would that person think the SAME way about you after reading those posts?

If the answer is "yes" then you are AWESOME at staying TRUE to WHO you ARE!

If the answer is "ugh..not-so-much" then you have a little work to do, some changes to make... maybe even some apologies to take care of.

There is a lot more info on facebook's SAFETY page about how to use facebook RESPONSIBLY!

You should check it out.

Here is a link directly to the SAFETY FOR TEENS page on Facebook. Check it out!

Spill it! ... It's Journal Entry Friday!

2011-07-29T06:19:00.000-07:00

We had a great conversation over on "the gathering" yesterday concerning what girls do to each other. So, it would make sense that today we journal on the same subject.

If you did not read the post from yesterday, please go check it out - it will make you think and you will get more out of the journaling you do today.

This assignment will be simple in explanation but could take you all day... a couple of days... the rest of the summer to complete - depending on how you choose to digest it.

First, I want you to find a quiet place with your journal. I want you to get comfortable, close your eyes and clear your mind. Now, I want you to run through the girls who influence your life... friends, not-so-much-friends, acquaintances, teammates, siblings, etc. Just let their faces run through your mind like you are flipping through a photo book...

Second, I want you to jot down the names of the girls who showed up in your mind's photo book first... let's say you make a list of 10 to start... you can add names as you go along, but let's start with 10.

Third, look over the names you jotted down and choose the one that pops off the page first. Maybe this name pops off the page because she is your most loyal friend or maybe one of those names jumps out at you because of what you are going through with that girl. Take that name and start a new page by writing her name at the top.

Fourth, SPILL IT! Start writing EVERYTHING that is in your mind and your heart right this minute as you focus on the mental picture of your relationship with this girl. Just write. Don't stop. Don't edit. This is NOT for her... this is for YOU... ONLY! When you are finished, cross that person's name off the list.

Fifth, move onto the next name that pops off the page. Repeat Step 4.

This will be quite emotional for some of those names on your list. You may need a break after just a couple names. Some of you may need a break after the first one. But I urge you to finish. Don't stop before you have done this exercise for each name on the list - and, yes, your list may grow as you work through each name.

Why take the time to do this?

It is easy to stuff your emotions. When we stuff our emotions we ACT OUT in ways we wouldn't normally out of frustration over emotions we have not dealt with. We can become the MEAN GIRL simply because we have pent up frustration over something trivial and we will never know WHY we "turned" on the girl we once labeled as BFF seemingly without provocation. You deserve to know. SHE deserves to know.

It is also a good idea to get in touch with those deep feelings you have toward your TRUE friends. Those girls who you consider your non-biological sisters are part of who you are and knowing your deepest feelings about them helps to strengthen your relationship.

Some of what you write you may deem worthy of sharing with some of the girls on your list. Of course, this is when you edit and re-write. I hope you will choose to share these words with those girls in a face-to-face manner... even if you keep your letter with you as a cheat sheet. If she is worth your time to write all you did, she is worth hearing your voice affirm your friendship!

Some of what you write you may choose to destroy as a way of letting go of the frustration that person has caused you. Letting go of these feelings is a way to truly let go of a friendship that is toxic. You can tear, burn, flush these letters and vow to yourself to not look back... let it go for REAL.

This is an exercise that will make you grow, help you deal and bless you beyond anything you could imagine. Suggest this exercise to some of those friends you will be writing to... you may be pleasantly surprised as to what comes your way after they finish their list.

A word of CAUTION: DO NOT share your writing with anyone (or anywhere... no facebook, formspring, texts, etc) other than the person it was written for. Your integrity in this assignment is crucial. If you wouldn't want someone sharing their deepest personal feelings about you with others, then don't do it to someone else.

Save and print the journal page below if you need to:

Comments are always welcome!

Why are GIRLS so mean?

2011-07-28T08:16:00.000-07:00

"What girls do to each other is beyond description. No chinese torture comes close." ~ Tori Amos

You call your best friend to tell her your biggest news and before you have a chance to gush, she blurts out, "Jamie told me that you told her that I wasn't your real BFF!" And the insane drama begins... you end up hanging up in tears and you have no idea if she will even speak to you again... sounds familiar?

We are having a LIVE conversation right now over on "the gathering" and girls are spewing why they think there is so much drama between girls.

Apparently, we are finding through our conversation that it is largely related to JEALOUSY!

Ahhh, the big green monster of JEALOUSY! Could someone please just put that thing out of its misery already?

Girls feel the need to say exactly what is on their mind with NO use of any filter... unfortunately what they are not seeing is how UGLY their words and are. It is sad to me to hear about girls who turn on each other almost overnight and it all ends up being over petty things... friendships are such a gift and some girls treat their friends as if they were disposable.

SOME people allow themselves to process their feelings BEFORE blurting them out! That's a good use of a FILTER... we are all human and we all have thoughts we would rather not admit to - it's what you DO with those thoughts that can make you look bad.

Being a teen girl isn't easy. It is downright painful.

"We can all become obsessed with looking better than the next girl and if things go her way instead of yours (guy you like asks her out instead of you) we become jealous and hurt because we don't feel like we're good enough so we become angry and that makes us pick out all the bad things about that person (even if it's not true) and we end up saying things we regret/don't mean." - Elizabeth, 17

So, what are some things you do to keep from hurting your friends when you are feeling bad about yourself?

JOURNAL!!!!! Write it all down, get it all out, deal with your own issues before you make more for someone else! You don't like the way you are feeling on the inside so why would you do that to someone else?

Be honest - does it REALLY make you feel better when you throw someone under the bus? Because it doesn't make you LOOK better. Those actions are UGLY and if you are striving for BEAUTY you have missed the boat by a long shot.

Project yourself ahead 10 years - what kinds of memories do you want to have of your teens? How do you want to remember yourself? Do you want to remember being the friend everyone could rely on or the friend that treated everyone badly to make herself feel better?

Who do you need to apologize to today?

If someone needs to apologize to YOU... put a link to this post on your facebook and see what happens.

Girl drama is just as Tori Amos says, TORTURE!

Don't do it.

It's quite ugly!

Just the Way She Is Day... Awesome amounts of FUN!

2011-07-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

Last week we celebrated the very first JUST THE WAY SHE IS DAY with a special FUN DAY CELEBRATION with 32 girls ages 7-17! The theme of the day was loving ourselves just the way we are and not allowing the media to make us feel that WHO we are is a result of what we look like.

The girls had a blast chatting about how the media makes us feel. We talked about how we all come in different shapes and sizes and our differences are beautiful! If we were all carbon copies of each other life would be SO boring!

We played crazy games, ate a lot of yummy food and sweated in the 100 degree weather!

I have gotten some amazing feedback from moms whose daughters enjoyed the day. Can't wait for our next event.

Check out the LOCAL EVENTS tab at the top of the page to take part in the next event!

Girl POWER... it's Journal Entry Friday (early)

2011-07-21T08:56:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at our JUST THE WAY SHE IS event our discussion turned in a direction that I think warranted the good long chat we ended up having. I thought since I didn't post yesterday (because my house was filled with 30-some amazing young ladies) I would post the revelation we had. Then I thought this would be a great journal exercise - but I was so pumped about it, I didn't want to wait until tomorrow to post it - I wanted to give it to you now...today. So, it's Journal Entry Thursday...

There is a thing I like to call GIRL POWER! It's a real thing. It's a phenomenon that is not seen too often these days. It is something worth bringing back. It is the mentality that as women, we are all in this thing called life TOGETHER - not pitted against one another. It is the notion that we are all sisters and should be building each other up, not tearing each other apart.

Yesterday, I said this, "Together as a sisterhood of girls we can lift each other up and bring out each other's inner strengths and beauty." After I said it, I immediately felt the need to elaborate because the whole day was about what the media feeds us and how much of it is LIES.

Mean girls are promoted on TV as strong. They are always the popular girls. The head cheerleader who is dating the quarterback. She is the one all her cronies strive to be like.

It is easy to decide you like the POWER that comes along with making someone feel bad. Some personalities find this kind of power addicting. It only takes one time to crush someone with your words. And for some girls, whether you like to admit it or not, it feels good. The automatically feel bigger and better. Before they know it, they are just what the media created them to be.

The sad part is, they have been deceived. There is NO power in acting like this.

True GIRL POWER is working together as a sisterhood of girls by lifting each other up and bring out each other's inner strengths and beauty.

This is how we strengthen our wings so we can fly!

The most painful thing for me to see is the attack mode some girls jump into as soon as they feel they have been wronged. Suddenly the girl you divulged your deepest secrets to has now decided that something you did warrants her gathering some other girls from your circle, telling them HER side of the story and creating an opposing team. Girls! This is NOT how it works! These actions show your immaturity, NOT your strength. These actions have ramifications you are NOT ready for. These actions turn you into a MEAN GIRL! Is that the label you want?

One of my favorite quotes is, "Be the friend you would want to have!"

It's HARDER to stick it out with a friend through the tough times. It's HARDER to say, "I was wrong and I am sorry."

There's no POWER in being mean. Anyone can be a MEAN GIRL! It doesn't take much. A bad attitude and a gutter mouth.

But there is STRENGTH in being a SISTER!

This week's journal exercise is for you to decide if you are a MEAN GIRL or a TRUE SISTER?

Pretend you are one of your friends... and write a letter to YOU from HER shoes about the kind of friend you are. What this letter is lacking will be your clues as to the character traits you need to work on.

ALONE time...

2011-07-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

We have all seen the "typical" teen portrayed in movies as the girl who storms to her room, pulls the shades, blares her music, locks her door and only comes out when she's so hungry she could eat her own arm.

We have all felt that way.

We have all wanted to be left alone.

We have all just wanted to hide from the world.

We have all just needed a break.

SOMETIMES.

But sometimes this can be taken too far and that's when it's no longer healthy to take a "break."

A break is something that lasts for a short time. Think about it, when you are at work and your boss says you can take your break. Or when you have spent the entire day cleaning for your mom and you ask if you can take a break... do you mean for a couple years? LOL! I know what you are thinking - you would like to take a break from cleaning for a couple years, right?! Sure you would, we all would.

The point I am making is that sometimes that break we need becomes a habit that alienates us from the world that helps us navigate WHO WE ARE. Taking a break that lasts beyond the norm can actually hurt you instead of help you. You can lose yourself in that break and you will eventually lose the ability to reconnect with the world you once knew. And then you become LOST and that's a scary place to be.

When you are lost like this, you can't even find yourself... this is a downward spiral that suffocates hundreds of thousands of teens each year. Cutting, depression and suicide feel like the only way out. Do you want those to be your only options? Don't you want more options for your life? I do. I want that for you, too.

The hardest thing to do when we are going through a difficult time is to reach out. When your life truly HURTS, the last thing you want to do is share that with someone. It doesn't feel good. What will people think? Will they judge me? What if they think I'm a freak?

But sometimes the hardest thing to do is the thing that will make you stronger. When you feel like crawling into a hole and barricading the world outside your door, picture your life next year... what will hiding under the covers get you?

But now picture your life if you flung that door open and screamed, "HERE I AM WORLD!" Now, I know your neighbors would think you had lost your mind if you did that! LOL! But what is the hardest is sometimes the BEST thing for us. Think about Olympic athletes. Do you think their training is easy? Do you think their bodies don't ache with a pain you and I have never felt? Do you think they WANT to hurt? Probably not. But how badly do you think they want that GOLD MEDAL? More than anything in this world?

Well, I think I can assume that what you want more than anything else right now is to feel a part of something. You want to feel loved. You want to be included. You want to have someone to call when something goes wrong.

Do you have this? Some of you don't. Some of you are thinking, "Locking myself in my room to be alone is no different that walking into the hallway of my school - I am alone both ways!"

I would never downplay the difficulties most teens have making and keeping friends. It's not easy. Sometimes it's the fault of the friend when things go south and sometimes it's not their fault...either way much of the drama is out of our control. We can't flip the switch on a bully so she stops being mean. We can't mute the girl who starts all the rumors. Sometimes being alone seems safer. I get it. I may be an adult now, but realistically, you know I was a teen once, too. Yes, the 80's were a different time and I didn't have social media and school shootings to worry about but what was bad for me and my friends then was just as real as what is bad for you today.

It isn't easy to reach out. I know. But this is YOUR LIFE we are talking about. You only get ONE.

So, make a plan. Look for people LIKE you. Maybe you have an interest or passion. Joining a club or interest group can be the easiest way to find others who will "get" you. Take a class after school or join a service group. Volunteer within an organization that tugs on your heart strings. Whether it is an animal shelter, an after school art club, or a day care center... something that puts that sparkle in your eye will surely have you glowing when you are doing it with OTHERS who have the same passion.

Now, some of you have come upon this post a little too late and have kept yourself away from people for long enough that you don't even know where to begin...

I have created "the gathering" for just this reason - "the gathering" is a CLOSED and PRIVATE facebook page where ALL GIRLS, especially girls who feel alone can reach out to other girls who can help support them. You can ask questions on the wall and you will almost instantly get responses from teen girls from across the country. You can also message me privately and we can talk confidentially about anything that is hurting and/or confusing you.

I hope you will click the link and request to join...

Post your comments and questions - I have a feeling this will be a good one to talk about!

Communication... it's Journal Entry Friday!

2011-07-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I posted about having open conversations with BOYS! Check it out HERE so you can follow the journal assignment based on what I shared yesterday!

There are so many opportunities to share WHO YOU ARE with other people through your conversations. Communicating teaches someone what you are all about. I HATE DIRTY JOKES, I don't find the humor in them and they embarrass me. I don't judge other adults for thinking they are funny but most everyone I know knows to wait until I have left the room to get their giggle on over the latest dirty joke. The only way for someone to know this is through communication. I simply say,"OK, eww, I don't think I will stick around to hear this punchline." And I walk out of the room. I didn't attack anyone, it was addressed to a whole room full of people and I can even smile when I say it. No one gets mad. No one thinks I made a scene.

It's a simple way to say, "This is who I am. I hope you remember this the next time."

So, what are some things you could start sharing with others about WHO YOU ARE and WHERE YOUR BOUNDARIES are? How can you say those things in a way that doesn't make you the target for "Drama Queen" stories?

So, let's get started. In this journal exercise write a list of people who need to know just a little more about you in order to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Could be a coach, a teacher, a friend, a boy...

Now, go in order and re-write their name, an explanation of the situation you are trying to fix and then start "scripting" what you would like to share with them about your boundaries!

Work on these until you have a gentle, crisp and to-the-point sentence or two that will help you guide them in treating you the way you deserve to be treated based on WHO YOU ARE!

Print and use the journal page below to jot down your ideas:

BOYS! It's all about communication...

2011-07-14T07:38:00.000-07:00

Over on "the gathering" the conversation of BOYS and how to deal with them without being in a constant state of confusion is a HUGE topic that keeps repeating itself! Understanding them, their motives and their brains could quite honestly be the biggest puzzle that seems to never have all the pieces... but you know what? They think the same thing about US!

So, I thought this repetitive conversation warranted a post and some thoughts on how to live through your teenage years without deciding to swear off boys forever. Most of them really aren't bad guys ~ a little misguided at times but not BAD.

Guys want to know what's going on in your mind just as much as you want to know what's going on in theirs. So, what's one good way to solve this conundrum? TALK! Seems simple enough, right?

Most teens don't open up and talk about how they feel because they are afraid they are the only one who feels that way. Can you imagine how unlikely that is? The hundreds of millions of teens on the planet and YOU think YOU are the ONLY one who feels a certain way? This is completely irrational thinking.

Own what you feel! Make it known!

If you are not comfortable sharing how you feel with someone then you are not ready for a relationship. If the boy you like is not comfortable sharing with you how he feels then he is not ready for a relationship.

Here is the definition of
RELATIONSHIP:

–noun

1. a connection, association, or involvement.

2. connection between persons

3. an emotional or other connection

I have seen teens in my classroom who are "dating" and they spend the entire classtime trying NOT to have to talk or look at each other. Can you explain this CONNECTION? There is NONE!

So, if you are in a relationship and you CAN talk to your boyfriend about how you feel and what your boundaries are, then there are some rules to follow that will make your relationship stronger because you will be setting up your boundaries so he doesn't have to wonder! This will cut down on the drama of most TEEN relationships!!

This is simple - there are only a few rules and they will change your life when it comes to boys!!

1. USE YOUR WORDS!
This is one of the first things we learn as toddlers. Instead of whacking your new friend with a bucket when he throws sand in your face, you say, "I don't like it. Please stop!" I don't know what changes between then and now but somewhere along the way girls feel as though they lose the right to speak their minds. We ALWAYS have the right to speak our minds when it comes to our personal boundaries.

*A boy grabs your butt as you walk down the hallway - "I don't like it. Please stop!"
*Your boyfriend pushes you further than the typical goodnight kiss - "I don't like it. Please stop!"
*The boy whose attention you are dying for tells you to lose some weight - "I don't like it. Please stop!"

This rule applies in almost every scenario that can break your spirit.

As long as you are not using your words to hurt someone, throw someone under the bus or cut someone down to make you feel better, this is always the way to go!

2. SAY "NO!" WHEN SOMETHING MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!
No one has the right to make you uncomfortable. My house growing up was a house with NO cursing. NO ONE in my family used foul language (with the exception of a slip here and there but it was not a regular occurrence) so hearing bad words made me very uncomfortable. Even as an adult there are certain words that make me cringe. During my MS and HS years I didn't hold back. When someone swore I was sure to let them know (not in a b*tchy way) that I was not OK with them using that kind of language in my presence. I demanded respect! By the time I graduated there was never an issue, people just didn't swear when they were around me b/c I had set that boundary. So whether it's a boy's roaming hands, someone sending you inappropriate pictures on your phone or bullying you via facebook - if it is making you uncomfortable you have the right to say "NO!"

3. IF HE WANTS YOU TO CHANGE, SAY "GOODBYE!"
You are beautiful JUST THE WAY YOU ARE and don't change for anyone! If you truly stay who you are and don't cave to what everyone ELSE says is popular, you will find the boy of your dreams! I promise! It may take a couple years b/c we all know that boys mature slower than girls so finding that boy that will treat you the way YOU deserve to be treated will happen when he is mature enough to know what he is doing when it comes to treating a girl right! If you find yourself in a situation that makes you feel like your own personal boundaries are being pushed b/c HE wants you to be someone else... say "Goodbye!" It will hurt for a minute but the strength that comes after the tears is WAY worth it!

4. IF HE HURTS YOU PHYSICALLY/EMOTIONALLY, WALK AWAY!
This is something I can't say enough. I know adults who still struggle with this. ANYONE who hurts you ON PURPOSE whether physically or emotionally does not deserve you. The biggest thing to remember is that it is easier to walk away after the FIRST time this happens than to allow it to happen until you feel powerless. Each time someone hurts you on purpose they steal a little bit of power from you. So, the more it happens the weaker you become. If they do it once... they will do it again. I have been married to my husband for 18 years and we were friends for years before that. He has NEVER... not even ONCE... called me a name or had to apologize for treating me badly - NOT ONE TIME! It is possible to have an amazing relationship where you truly are an equal part of the team, where no one belittles or scares the other person. Don't let it happen. And if it does - let it happen ONLY ONCE and WALK AWAY!

Girls! If you are strong enough to share your heart with someone, you need to be strong enough to stand up for WHO you are! You won't regret it! I promise!!

I welcome your comments!!

Character Choices... it's Journal Entry Friday!

2011-07-07T21:17:00.000-07:00

In yesterday's post I talked about CHARACTER and I gave you a whole list of character traits that are good to have. Some come naturally and some we need to work on. What comes naturally to your BFF may be something that is difficult for you. It doesn't mean she is a better person than you, it simply has to do with the way you are wired.

But these differences can cause drama within a group of friends.

We are all different. No two people are identical (even twins) and that's the glorious truth that makes the world go round. Think of how boring it would be if EVERYONE was exactly the same. If everyone had the same laugh, the same fears, the same annoying habits... B-O-R-I-N-G!!!

So, for today's journal entry I want you to "analyze" your group of friends using the list of character traits. Maybe one of your friends is so sensitive, that she gets upset at every little thing. She's one of those people who can't watch the news or she will have nightmares, you can't tell her the latest gossip because it will have her ranting about the rights of other people.....

According to the list of traits I posted yesterday, your friend is blessed with the gift of COMPASSION which means, investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others.

This is a priceless trait to have and to share with others. You would WANT your friend's compassion when you slip up and make her angry. Her compassion would shine through her anger and she would want to get to the bottom of why you did what you did so the two of you could get past it and heal - this, in turn, would strengthen your friendship.

So, your assignment -

Print the page below and jot down a list of all of your friends.
Assign a character trait that is specifically tied to each girl
Write the words PRO and CON under that trait
Make a list next to CON of the things that ANNOY you about this trait in your friend
Make a list next to PRO of the GOOD things that come out of this trait

Your lists should look something like this:

Lilly
Diligence
(Investing my time and energy to complete each task assigned to me)
Con - it takes he sooooo long to get anything done
Pro - she is really good at alot of things b/c she is so careful about details

Once you identify the GOOD that can come out of the trait that might bother you the most, it is less likely to bother you and you might soon find yourself modeling similar behavior in an attempt to better yourself!!

Now, get to it!
See what you can do with this journal entry to better your friendships!

You've got CHARACTER!

2011-07-06T07:09:00.000-07:00

So much advice is given to teens and some of that advice isn't necessarily over your head but it is out of your reach simply because you haven't been given the tools to do what the advice is suggesting.

People tell teens, "Be yourself."

But the mixed messages of the media confuse you and most of you are probably not even sure WHO you are. Your brains and bodies are still developing, you are getting comfortable (or trying to) within your own skin and now you are supposed to figure out WHO "yourself" is?

This is a tough assignment.

I thought today we would take a look at CHARACTER TRAITS. Some of these traits come naturally and some we have to practice to become good at them. But they are all worth the effort. If you see a trait and you think, "Wow! That is totally me!" Then you are starting to identify WHO you are.

WHO you were created to be starts with those traits that come naturally.

We can't all be good at EVERY one and some can feel just plain out of our reach but these are good goals to set and good traits to be aware of.

Now grab a piece of paper...

make a list of the ones that come natural to you
jot down the ones you want to try harder to achieve

Post this slip of paper on your mirror and be aware of when you can practice using each one! Stay true to the ones you have chosen - in EVERY situation! Don't let WHO is looking or WHO is listening change the way you react to someone/something.

Stay TRUE to your character in ALL situations - this is called INTEGRITY!

This list was made available through Character-Training.com:

Alertness – Being aware of what is taking place around me so I can have the right responses.
Attentiveness – Showing the worth of a person or task by giving my undivided concentration.
Availability – Making my own schedule and priorities secondary to the wishes of those I serve.
Benevolence – Giving to others basic needs without having as my motive personal reward.
Boldness – Confidence that what I have to say or do is true, right, and just.
Cautiousness – Knowing how important right timing is in accomplishing right actions.
Compassion – Investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others.
Contentment – Realizing that true happiness does not depend on material conditions.
Creativity – Approaching a need, a task, or an idea from a new perspective.
Decisiveness – The ability to recognize key factors and finalize difficult decisions.
Deference – Limiting my freedom so I do not offend the tastes of those around me.
Dependability – Fulfilling what I consented to do, even if it means unexpected sacrifice.
Determination – Purposing to accomplish right goals at the right time, regardless of the opposition.
Diligence – Investing my time and energy to complete each task assigned to me.
Discernment – Understanding the deeper reasons why things happen.
Discretion – Recognizing and avoiding words, actions, and attitudes that could bring undesirable consequences.
Endurance – The inward strength to withstand stress and do my best.
Enthusiasm – Expressing joy in each task as I give it my best effort.
Faith – Confidence that actions rooted in good character will yield the best outcome, even when I cannot see how.
Flexibility – Willingness to change plans or ideas according to the direction of my authorities.
Forgiveness – Clearing the record of those who have wronged me and not holding a grudge.
Generosity – Carefully managing my resources so I can freely give to those in need.
Gentleness – Showing consideration and personal concern for others.
Gratefulness – Letting others know by my words and actions how they have benefited my life.
Honor – Respecting those in leadership because of the higher authorities they represent.
Hospitality – Cheerfully sharing food, shelter, or conversation to benefit others.
Humility – Acknowledging that achievement results from the investment of others in my life.
Initiative – Recognizing and doing what needs to be done before I am asked to do it.
Joyfulness – Maintaining a good attitude, even when faced with unpleasant conditions.
Justice – Taking personal responsibility to uphold what is pure, right, and true.
Loyalty – Using difficult times to demonstrate my commitment to those I serve.
Meekness – Yielding my personal rights and expectations with a desire to serve.
Obedience – Quickly and cheerfully carrying out the direction of those who are responsible for me.
Orderliness – Arranging myself and my surroundings to achieve greater efficiency.
Patience – Accepting a difficult situation without giving a deadline to remove it.
Persuasiveness – Guiding vital truths around another’s mental roadblocks.
Punctuality – Showing esteem for others by doing the right thing at the right time.
Resourcefulness – Finding practical uses for that which others would overlook or discard.
Responsibility – Knowing and doing what is expected of me.
Security – Structuring my life around that which cannot be destroyed or taken away.
Self-Control – Rejecting wrong desires and doing what is right.
Sensitivity – Perceiving the true attitudes and emotions of those around me.
Sincerity – Eagerness to do what is right with transparent motives.
Thoroughness – Knowing what factors will diminish the effectiveness of my work or words if neglected.
Thriftiness – Allowing myself and others to spend only what is necessary.
Tolerance – Realizing that everyone is at varying levels of character development.
Truthfulness – Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts.
Virtue – The moral excellence evident in my life as I consistently do what is right.
Wisdom – Seeing and responding to life situations from a perspective that transcends my current circumstances.

I would love to hear your comments on the process you used for making your list and what you learned about yourself as you chose the traits that come naturally to you. Leave your comments!!

Meet Me On The Inside...

2011-07-05T08:12:00.000-07:00

“I guess it's hard for some people who are used to things the way they are, even if they are bad, to change because I guess they kinda give up …and when they do, everybody kinda loses." ~ Trevor McKinney - Pay It Forward

Turn on the television and there is someone somewhere judging someone else. It happens on Phineas and Ferb and iCarly. It happens during the race for Governor and on TLC’s What Not To Wear. And don’t get me started on how cruel the judges on American Idol can be.

What seems "harmless" is teaching you that the judgements of others actually MEAN something. What you are learning as "harmless" can scar your gentle psyche and change who you believe you are destined to be. As a former teacher, I have seen that crushing blow in the eyes of child all too many times. Words can cut. They have more power than we should be trusted with sometimes.

That is why I had to write this book.

MEET ME ON THE INSIDE is a book that uses the words of REAL teen girls from around the country. These words are raw and honest and they compare what you see on the outside and what you would see if you took the time to meet someone on the INSIDE! Each girl reveals what she thinks you see and what she wishes you knew. The words are sometimes beautiful, some are silly and some will make you cry.

It is no secret how much worth is placed on outward appearance. If you are too quiet, too short, too friendly, too artsy, too studious, too stupid or too much like someone else then you are fair game to be judged.

I have done a lot of soul searching to try to put my finger on how to get what is in my heart onto paper and into a child’s hands. Hands that are still being held. I want empowering words streaming into a child’s mind. A mind that is still too young to judge.

What I came up with was that NO words I could come up with would do the trick, I needed to words of real teen girls to get this job done.

Then I saw the beauty in giving other girls the opportunity to illustrate someone else's words. I thought it would be a beautiful juxtaposition of today's teen culture.

I want to bring the messages from these girls to every school in America. I want to look into the eyes of the students I read this book to and let them see the honesty and passion from the hearts of teens JUST like them. I want to turn on the news and NOT see another suicide or act of violence that was committed because someone was made to feel small and worthless.

This is my dream. This is the dream of the girls who submitted their words and artwork to this project.

Thank you girls!

My Life... it's Journal Entry Friday!

2011-07-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

It's a known fact that being creative (even when you think you don't have an ounce of artistic ability) can pull things out of your subconscience that you didn't even know were there.

Things to celebrate, things to deal with, things to think about...

Today's Journal Exercise - Draw your life - the good, the bad and the ugly!

I am taking a break from the LOTS OF THINKING STYLE journal entries.

Grab a pencil and be FREE!

What do you see?

Blindsided...

2011-06-30T06:12:00.000-07:00

What happens when a situation completely knocks you off your feet?

What do you do?

Do you shut down?

Do you hate life?

Do you punish others for your own pain?

Well, I was blindsided this week. Information I was not expecting hit me like a ton of bricks. The wind was knocked out of me and I wanted to scream.

But I couldn't, I have a family... a husband and three kids as well as a couple hundred teen girls on facebook.... all who count on me to be available to them when they need me.

I couldn't shut down.

I can't run away.

I can't HATE everyone.

And I won't punish other people for my pain.

But, much of the way I dealt with (and am still dealing with) this situation is because I am an adult and I have learned to put others before myself. This is not something that comes natural to a teen so this is where you and I are different.

I think I can say this without offending you, because if you have been reading this blog long enough you know that teen girls are my passion, you are what I love.... but teen girls are typically VERY selfish!

For one minute I want you to put yourself in your mom's shoes and imagine what YOUR life would look like if she were selfish. Think of all the things she does for you, the things she gives up for you, the time she spends running you here and there, the places she takes you and your friends, etc.

Can you imagine what YOUR life would look like if she were selfish?

It has been a couple days since I was punched in the gut by this information I was not expecting. But my life can't stop - I can't be selfish. It takes too much time to be selfish. I had 23 girls in my house for a workshop on Sunday and friends and parties to have and take my children to over the last couple days. As an adult, I can take a troubling situation and put it away for a bit so I can still enjoy the life that will continue to go on around me. I have to or I would crumble. But this is a "talent" that comes with practice. I couldn't always do this. No one TAUGHT me this - it was just something that I had to learn on my own - it's my own special way of coping.

I don't keep the situation in the back of my mind forever - these kinds of things need to be dealt with or they will fester and eat away at every part of your life. But I am the one who chooses when I take it out to deal with it. For me, that usually means when my kids are in bed and my husband and I have some quiet time - then I let it all out and start processing it.

As a teen, you need to start realizing that the NEXT stage in your life is adulthood so you need to practice a little. Right? Practicing is what makes us good at something. You need to practice what does not come naturally.

You also need a plan. You need to know what you need to do to start healing. Is there someone you need to separate yourself from? Is there someone you need to vent to about their actions? Do you need to ask for forgiveness? Do you need to confess something?

When you are blindsided, like I was this week, you need to do the following things:

give yourself some space to take in the information/situation
journal all your thoughts and feelings - write it ALL down - yes, ALL OF IT!
realize that there is a process of healing and get ready for some ups and downs and you deal with the hurt
practice turning OFF the situation in your mind and enjoy life moment by moment
make sure you give yourself some quiet time EVERY day to write/cry/talk about the situation
talk to an adult so they can help you prioritize your plan

Being blindsided STINKS!
It's awful and you wanna just crawl into a ball and die.
I know!
I have been there.

But there is hope - and that HOPE starts with YOU!

This Weekend's Butterfly Girlz Workshop

2011-06-28T06:47:00.000-07:00

We had a blast this weekend talking about SCRIPTING YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES (one of the many workshops I offer). This event was exclusively for my Advisory Team that I lovingly call The Butterfly Girlz. We walked the red carpet, untangled human knots, giggled at a skit, listened to awesome music, made butterfly charm bracelets, got to know other team members from other states, did a couple journal entries and chatted ALOT about boundaries and how to make sure ours are CONCRETE!

Enjoy the photos! These girls sure enjoyed the day!

The workshops that are open to the public are called "gatherings" after our facebook page for TEEN GIRLS called "the gathering." If you are interested in having a workshop for your teen girl group please contact me at mybutterflygirlz@yahoo.com

Cleaning up Life's Little Messes... it's Journal Entry Friday!

2011-06-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

(No, this is not my house!)

There is nothing more frustrating than the messes that crop up just when everything is running smoothly, right? You are out of school for summer... sleeping in every morning, no more homework, no more tests and WHAM someone hits you broadside with a nasty rumor they heard about you!

Summer vacation is supposed to be trouble-free, right? At least that's what we tell ourselves when we are falling asleep during our math final. As we nod off while trying to find what "x" is, we dream of sandy beaches, pool parties, summer romances, girly sleepovers and .... never do we leave room in that dream for drama!

So, whether it is a family struggle, a health issue, a pending move or just plain GIRL DRAMA you feel like you are boxed in with no where to go. No out. Not big red flashing EXIT sign. And you're sinking fast.

So, what do you do with the mess?

I found it coincidental that the picture I found to illustrate the idea of a "mess" had a bottle of RESOLVE sitting in the foreground.

re·solve [ri-zolv] –noun

1. a resolution or determination made, as to follow some course of action.

So, a plan.... you need a plan.

Now, I am SO not an organized person but my husband is... when my life seems like it is going in 1,000,000 different directions, like today, he reminds me to make a plan. If I lay out my day on a piece of paper in an orderly way- it makes it much easier to deal with...

places I need to go
things I need to buy
what I need to clean/straighten in the house
what is coming tomorrow that I need to be prepared for

Now, you are thinking, "Well, it would be nice if my life's mess was like my room and I could sweep "the mess" under the bed and call it done."

But what I am suggesting is that you lay out your "mess" on paper in a sensible way:

people I need to confront
situations I need to handle
friends I need to apologize to
things I need to confess to someone
issues I need to talk over with someone
help I need to seek out

Now, you may end up with a huge graphic that looks like a spiderweb on crack - but it's all there and now you have a plan. Won't it feel good when you can cross some of those things off?

Now, when you make this list on the journal page I am providing below (just click on it, save and print) make sure you are NOT including things on the list that are not in your control. Keep your list focused on the difference YOU can make in your own "mess." Don't add to your list things that your friends are dealing with, "Help Becca get a boyfriend" should not be on your list - be SELFISH with this list.

Start cleaning up your OWN mess. You will find that as you create this list, a weight will soon be lifted. It will look like a map of how to get out of your "mess."

Good luck!
Leave a comment if you have questions about how to make your list.

What is a Butterfly Girl?

2011-06-22T07:10:00.000-07:00

In the begining of The Butterfly Girlz project, it wasn't called The Butterfly Girlz! When I was brainstorming what I wanted the basis for this ministry to be, I looked at alot of things. I looked at what was causing the most pain in the schools that I had access to through volunteering. I looked at the issues and quandries my own teens were coming home with. And I looked at what was coming to light on the news.

What was causing teens so much grief. And I narrowed it down to one thing - RESPECT! So, I tried to figure out how to TEACH respect and I campe to the conclusion that if you can respect your SELF, you will naturally respect others. So this notion for my ministry was born. The programs I wrote, taught and spoke for would have their basis in self-respect.

So now I had to think of an easy way to describe something that you can not see. What does self-respect look like? While trying to think of a visual for self-respect I came up with The Legend of The Butterfly Girlz to describe HOW we hold onto and nurture our own self-respect which inturn will affect how you treat others. My hope is that this program will blossom and have a domino affect so that in the near future there will be more news stories about the GOOD that teens do and not the tragedy that they inflict upon themselves.

Here is what I give the girls that come to my workshops. The one I hand out is the perfect size for the inside of a locker door and will hopefully give them the strength they need when their self-respect is challenged during their day.

What is a

Butterfly Girl?

She’s a girl who knows her flaws but celebrates her strengths

She’s a girl who loves life enough to strive to make it grand

She’s a girl whose self-respect shines in her words and actions

She’s a girl who wants to share her spirit with everyone around her

Please feel free to copy and paste this or print and hand out - I just ask that you give this blog and my program some props when you do it.

Thanks girls!

Friendship Pie - it's Journal Entry Friday

2011-06-17T06:54:00.000-07:00

Over on "the gathering" we have been talking a lot about what makes a good friend. We have been discussing what qualities and characteristics will create a lasting friendship.

Some of the following were listed as qualities we should be looking for:

good sense of humor
kindness
sincerity
caring
trustworthy
likes you for you

These are really great qualities that our friendships would all benefit from.

Think about your BFF...

what qualities does she have that makes her your BFF?
what qualities do you wish she had that would make your relationship even better?

I have to say, much of what we talk about over on "the gathering" is rooted in girl drama...

girl dates her BFFs ex
girl tells BFFs secret
girl talks badly about BFF when she's not around

All of these things are NOT acceptable in a TRUE BFF relationship. BUT.... and this is a big but (LOL)... you are all still learning what INTEGRITY is. Do you know what that word means?

INTEGRITY is a concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations, and outcomes. In ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one's actions.

Basically this means you act and react in the same way to the same situations no matter WHO you are with. So, if you have a problem with something someone is doing, you talk about it in the same way whether she is standing right there or NOT. Wouldn't it be nice to have THAT in your relationship? Do you see how trust is built easily with someone who has unfailing integrity?

Alright, today for your journal exercise, you will be splitting the pie chart above into your PERFECT recipe for a best friend. Print it out and then divide it accordingly. If 'being trustworthy' is a BIG part of what you want, then draw that slice bigger than the rest and label it. If 'sense of humor' is important but not as big as 'being trustworthy' then draw that slice accordingly and label it.

Then ~ after you have completed this exercise, AND NOT BEFORE, scroll down to the bottom of this post for PART 2.

Don't PEEK!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take a close look at your completed pie...
and then...

BE the FRIEND you want to HAVE!

<3
Let this RECIPE be your guide to finding the best BFF, but let it ALSO show you the kind of friend to BE!

Healthy Eating Tips for Summer

2011-06-16T06:04:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhh, it's summertime! The image of pasta salad, corn on the cob and watermelon is a beautiful testament to what summer is in our minds. Picnics, family gatherings, camp-outs and parties! Fun for everyone.

But what also comes with having less of a schedule is unhealthy eating habits rearing their ugly heads so I wanted to give you some tips that will keep you feeling your best throughout your break from school. Come September you can re-enter the halls looking vibrant because of all of your healthy choices!

HEALTH is not about being stick skinny like the models and movie stars. Quite honestly, because their jobs put so much effort on their weight and their shape, most of them are ridiculously UNhealthy. They skip meals, take pills and exercise incessantly to keep those numbers on the scale down. That's not healthy.

As a growing teen, unhealthy habits can impede your development. Your brain as well as your body can suffer. Your job is to do what you can so your body is in tip top working order which will help to promote brain development, bone density, strong muscles and all day energy.

Here are some healthy tips I got from a Healthy Eating page on YoungWomensHealth.org:

Don't skip meals - plan meals and snacks ahead of time.
Believe it or not, eating 3 meals with snacks in between is the best way to maintain your energy and a healthy weight. You are more likely to choose foods that are not as healthy when you skip meals and are over-hungry.
Eat breakfast. 20% of teens skip breakfast, which makes them more likely to over-eat later in the day.
Eating away from home? Don't leave yourself stranded—take foods with you or know where you can go to buy something healthy and satisfying.
Learn about simple, healthy ways to prepare foods.
Try healthier ways to cook foods such as grilling, stir-frying, microwaving, baking, and boiling instead of deep frying.
Try fresh or dried herbs (basil, oregano, parsley) and spices (lemon pepper, chili powder, garlic powder) to flavor your food instead of adding less healthy toppings such as butter, margarine, or gravy.
Trim the skin and fat off of your meat—you'll still get plenty of flavor and it's more nutritious.
Sugar - avoid getting too much.
Sugary drinks are a big source of empty energy. This means that they contain a lot of energy (in the form of calories) that your body may not need, and they don't have vitamins, minerals, protein, or even fiber. Try diet sodas, sugar-free drink mixes, water, and flavored waters instead of regular drinks or juice. Even “natural” unsweetened juices contain a lot of energy you may not need. Don't go overboard—if you are going to drink regular soda or juice, try to limit the amount you drink to 4-8 ounces, one time per day.
Lots of sugar is also found in desserts such as cakes, cookies, and candies. It's okay to enjoy these foods once in a while as long as they don't replace healthier foods.
Be mindful when eating
Slow down when you eat. Try to relax and pace yourself so that your meals last at least 20 minutes, since it takes 20 minutes for you to feel full.
Listen to your body. Eating when you are hungry and stopping when you are full will help your body balance its energy needs and stay comfortable. Ask yourself: Am I eating because I'm hungry, or because I'm stressed or bored?
Try fiber rich foods, such as whole grains, vegetables, and fruits so you feel comfortably full.
Avoid “diet thinking.”
There are no good foods or bad foods. All foods can be part of healthy eating, when eaten in moderation.
You do not need to buy low carb, fat-free, or diet foods. These foods are not necessarily lower in calories—they usually have lots of other added ingredients to replace the carbs or fat.
YOU are more important than your weight or body size—believe it! Your health and happiness can be hurt by drastic weight loss plans. If you have not yet reached your adult height, rapid weight loss could interfere with your growth. Instead of trying extreme approaches, focus on making small lifestyle changes that you can stick with for life. This approach will leave you feeling healthier and happier in the long run.

Here's to YOU and here's to a HAPPY HEALTHY SUMMER!

Can someone pass the corn on the cob?

Teen Girl SUMMER Reading List

2011-06-13T07:28:00.000-07:00

I have created the MOTHERLOAD LIST of summer reading for girls! Most of these books I have read myself and the rest come by recommendation from my TEEN BOOK Guru, my daughter Emily. I would love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to write your own reviews or give your opinions on other choices for a SUMMER READING LIST!

As if it isn’t bad enough to have cancer, practically every time we pick up a book or hear about a character in a movie who gets sick, we know they’ll be dead by the last scene. In reality, kids get all kinds of cancers, go through unspeakable torture and painful treatments, but walk away, fine in the end. Isabelle, not quite 15, is living a normal life of fighting with her younger brother, being disgusted with her parents, and hoping to be noticed by a cute guy. Everything changes in an instant when she is diagnosed with lymphoma—and even her best friend, Kay, thinks Izzy is going to die. But she doesn’t, and her humor—sardonic, sharp, astute—makes reading this book accessible and actually enjoyable.

Abandoned at birth, Hollis Woods has lived in about a half dozen homes and has always wished for a family. A foster caretaker describes her as "a mountain of trouble." When Josie Cahill, a retired art teacher, takes the 12-year-old into her home on Long Island, NY, the two bond almost immediately. Hollis draws pictures with colored pencils and Josie carves branches into people. However, it soon becomes clear that Josie has trouble remembering things, and Hollis becomes the caregiver. When she stops attending school, a social worker comes by to investigate. Flashbacks slowly illuminate Hollis's life with one family who had hoped to adopt her and why this didn't happen. Giff masterfully weaves these two strands together in a surprising and satisfying ending. (From the School Library Journal)

After Emily's aunt dies, Emily learns that everything she has always believed is a lie, and her world crumbles. Forced to face the fact that her mother is not who she thought she was, Emily tries to find the truth about her past and make sense of her future. Turning to graffiti and vandalism as a way to deal with her anger, she comes to realize that there is more to a family than shared DNA.

All Y'Tin, 13, ever wanted was to be an elephant trainer, and when he was 11, he became the youngest handler ever in his village. His life revolves around Lady and the other elephants in their small herd. But this is Vietnam in 1975 and the North Vietnamese are a threat to the Dega people of the Central Highlands now that the American forces are gone. The feared attack comes and half the village, including Y'Tin, is captured. He witnesses the murder of a fellow elephant keeper and, when he is ordered to help dig a mass grave, he knows escape is his only hope. When the chance comes, he and his friend Y'Juen slip into the jungle. They manage to find Lady and the other elephants, but the stress, fear, and anxiety about the war never leave Y'Tin. Even when he is reunited with his family, he cannot let go of the constant strain and despair for the future. When he is sent into the jungle to track down a lost Y'Juen, he spends a desperate night in fear. At this point, he decides the best thing is to try and make it to Thailand to find his future as an elephant trainer. Like a child in any war, Y'Tin has to cope with a situation that he doesn't understand, one that has completely overturned his life. (From the School Library Journal)

Since the beginning of the school year, high school freshman Melinda has found that it's been getting harder and harder for her to speak out loud: "My throat is always sore, my lips raw.... Every time I try to talk to my parents or a teacher, I sputter or freeze.... It's like I have some kind of spastic laryngitis." What could have caused Melinda to suddenly fall mute? Could it be due to the fact that no one at school is speaking to her because she called the cops and got everyone busted at the seniors' big end-of-summer party? Or maybe it's because her parents' only form of communication is Post-It notes written on their way out the door to their nine-to-whenever jobs. While Melinda is bothered by these things, deep down she knows the real reason why she's been struck mute... Laurie Halse Anderson's first novel is a stunning and sympathetic tribute to the teenage outcast. The triumphant ending, in which Melinda finds her voice, is cause for cheering (while many readers might also shed a tear or two). After reading Speak, it will be hard for any teen to look at the class scapegoat again without a measure of compassion and understanding for that person--who may be screaming beneath the silence. (Amazon review)

Overwhelmed by wave after wave of emotional trauma, Kristen Anderson no longer wanted to live. One January night, determined to end her pain once and for all, the seventeen-year-old lay across train tracks not far from her home and waited to die.

Instead of peace, she found herself immersed in a whole new nightmare.

Before the engineer could bring the train to a stop, thirty-three freight cars passed over her at fifty-five miles per hour. After the train stopped and Kristen realized she was still alive, she looked around—and saw her legs ten feet away.

Surviving her suicide attempt but losing her legs launched Kristen into an even deeper battle with depression and suicidal thoughts, as well as unrelenting physical pain—all from the seat of a wheelchair. But in the midst of her darkest days, Kristen discovered the way to real life and a purpose for living.

For anyone struggling to find the strength to go on, the message of this heart-wrenching yet hope-building book is a clear and extraordinary reminder that even when we give up on life, God doesn’t give up on us.

Ethan lives in a foster home, struggling to put his life on the right track. Involved in a photography program for at-risk kids, he finds himself threatened again and again by someone who wants his camera. What does Ethan know? And what is on his camera that someone is willing to kill for? Struggling to stay out of trouble and solve the mystery, he discovers he has all the answers. He just has to figure out the questions.

After losing her best friend, Ingrid, to suicide, Caitlin is completely immobilized. Unable to function, and refusing to visit a therapist, she begins the long journey to wellness alone. During this year of heart-wrenching, raw emotion, Caitlin finds Ingrid's journal, which not only reveals her descent into irreversible depression, but also serves as Caitlin's vehicle for renewed hope in the future. The book is written with honesty, revealing one's pain after the loss of a loved one. Caitlin learns, with the help of new friends and her parents, that there is life after Ingrid. (School Library Journal)

The last normal moment that Mia, a talented cellist, can remember is being in the car with her family. Then she is standing outside her body beside their mangled Buick and her parents' corpses, watching herself and her little brother being tended by paramedics. As she ponders her state (Am I dead? I actually have to ask myself this), Mia is whisked away to a hospital, where, her body in a coma, she reflects on the past and tries to decide whether to fight to live. Via Mia's thoughts and flashbacks, Forman (Sisters in Sanity) expertly explores the teenager's life, her passion for classical music and her strong relationships with her family, friends and boyfriend, Adam. Mia's singular perspective (which will recall Alice Sebold's adult novel, The Lovely Bones) also allows for powerful portraits of her friends and family as they cope: Please don't die. If you die, there's going to be one of those cheesy Princess Diana memorials at school, prays Mia's friend Kim. I know you'd hate that kind of thing. Intensely moving, the novel will force readers to take stock of their lives and the people and things that make them worth living. (Publisher's Weekly)

HAPPY READING!!

GOAL-setting for SUMMER!

2011-06-10T06:44:00.000-07:00

So, the end of the school year is here... how are you going to spend your summer? Yeah, I know the typical answers because they are the same answers my kids will give me.... sleep in, go to the pool, hang out with friends and go to bed late!

AWESOME! After a long stressful school year we ALL need time to recharge our batteries, reconnect with our pillows and veg a little! ABSOLUTELY! But let's get a little deeper here... we all know that after a couple weeks of that you will get the, "I'm bored" feeling. However, you know better than to say it outloud in front of your parents b/c they can certainly keep you from being bored... so then what? What do you do?

Start thinking about what you want to accomplish this summer. Maybe you want to challenge yourself in one of your passion areas - dance, music, singing. Maybe you want to try out for a Varsity team in the fall. Maybe you want to finish your whole summer reading list. Maybe you want to write a book.

Setting goals gives us a mission. Having a mission feels good and it helps us to focus.

When you get the I'M BORED feeling you can look at your list of goals and choose something to work on before "mom" senses that you need something to do and has you weeding the flower bed.

The trick is that your goals need to be attainable. Don't set goals such as "I WANT TO GRADUATE EARLY AND APPLY TO COLLEGES IN THE FALL" if you are in 8th grade... unless this is a truly attainable goal for you.

Martin Riesenberg, author of How to Stop Whining and Start Winning, has a super easy way to remember how to set goals... check out this visual to get you started:

Visual from BurrellesLuce

Specific: Be unambiguous as to exactly what it is you want to achieve.
Measurable: Reaching your goals is a step-by-step process. Be sure to assess your goals on a regular basis to see if they align with your objectives.
Attainable: Make your goals realistic – like I explained to my son, don’t set your goals so high that you won’t reach them. You might even consider breaking larger goals down into more manageable and achievable chunks.
Relevant: Does your goal have significance in your personal or professional life? In Business is it aligned with your overall business objective?
Time Frame: When do you want to achieve your goal? Write the date down on paper.

So, what will your goals be this summer?

I have one final suggestion that makes this idea/process even cooler! Talk to your girlfriends and have at least ONE of your goals be a common goal - something you do together. Maybe you decide to raise money for Childhood Cancer and hold your very own Alex's Lemonade Stand. Maybe you decide to volunteer at a local day care center or retirement community.

One great thing to put on your goals list for this summer is participating in JUST THE WAY SHE IS DAY! on July 20, 2011!

So, take a couple days to just veg.
Sleep in.
Stay up late.
But then get serious about how you will affect YOUR life and the life of those around you this summer!

Feel free to print out this page and start your very own Butterfly Girl Journal!

On-line safety is NO JOKE!

2011-06-08T06:57:00.000-07:00

Three years ago, Aurora Eller (13) had a friend over and they hopped online and into a chat room that would ultimately change Aurora's life forever.

Your parents and/or teachers have talked to you about internet safety. Many of you have been online for years and not happened upon a creeper, but some of you have and that's what happened to 13 year old Aurora.

Aurora and her friend entered that video chat room and met a guy with whom they chatted with for awhile. This guy convinced the two girls to do some lewd things together for him to see. It took some convincing, but eventually they did it. One time. They told him that was it. They were done.

So, who did that hurt? No one saw it except that guy. The friends promised to keep the secret. So, no big deal, right?

WRONG!

The guy wouldn't let Aurora alone. He threatened her if she didn't keep up the X-rated videos for him, he would call her school, tell her parents and her life would be ruined. So, fearing the worst, Aurora kept up with the videos. Eventually the threats stopped and Aurora went on with her life keeping this big secret buried inside her. The secret was safe, no one would know.

Fast forward three years, Aurora is now 16. Last week the videos were anonymously turned over to the police. Aurora has been charged with two counts of child pornography, faces 5 years in prison and could possibly be registered as a sex offender which is a label that lasts a lifetime.

The man who threatened Aurora has not been found.

So, let's break this down a little.

Most 16 year olds are taking their driver's test, getting their first job, looking at colleges. Aurora is looking at PRISON for 5 years. She will not be able to finish school with her friends and applying to colleges won't be happening.

She will have to check "YES" on EVERY college and job application to the following questions:

Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
Have you ever been convicted of a crime against children?

Being registered as a sex offender lasts your entire life. This sentence means she will never be able to work with children - no babysitting, child care, teaching, working with kids in church, etc. It also means she will not legally be allowed to live NEAR places with high populations of children - near schools, day cares, etc. Her name will be listed on the websites that show where sex offenders live - and they list actual addresses.

All of this because of ONE POOR CHOICE!

Yes, Aurora is the victim here but because of the way the situation panned out, she becomes the one who is punished. Fair? No. But quite honestly, fair or not, it's what's happening to her and she can't take back what she did.

Girls! Listen up! In life there are no do-overs!
This is IT!

Use Aurora's lesson to help you remember to stay safe online. Don't put yourself in a position to fall into a situation that puts you in a corner.

Here are some safety tips:

Don't friend people you don't know on any social networking sites (facebook, myspace, formspring)
Make sure all your personal info is set on PRIVATE and cannot be viewed by people who aren't listed as your "friends"
Don't ever accept an invite to video chat with someone you don't know - who knows what they want to "show" you
Never give out personal information to anyone you are not PERSONALLY friends with
Be careful WHAT you post on public forums - always re-read and be cautious of the "message" you are sending to strangers or possible perpetrators
Don't EVER send compromising (nude, sexy) photos of yourself to ANYONE - NOTHING disappears online - ANYTHING that has ever been shared online is still there even if it has been deleted - it can still be accessed!
THINK before you POST!!
Don't assume this kind of thing CAN'T happen to you - that's when you let your guard down

BE SAFE GIRLS! You only get ONE shot at life - don't screw it up over something you got lazy with. Always be on guard, always be thinking one step ahead.

Peace.

Just the Way She Is Day... July 20, 2011 JOIN US!

2011-06-06T09:01:00.000-07:00

I am organizing a NATIONWIDE event!
As a young woman you know the havoc the media can play on your self-esteem, this event is to spread the word that every girl is beautiful JUST THE WAY SHE IS!

Would you consider joining the event and registering a group? Would you SHARE this link on your facebook wall?

The only way to change the world is to SHARE the positive things that happen around it! This is one of those things!

Watch the video and register now!

L O V E - What is it?... it's Journal Entry Friday!

2011-06-03T07:24:00.000-07:00

Hello my sweets!

Well, you can't be the mentor for teen girls for too long before this subject comes up:

It's just about as exciting as getting your first bra. Your first bra (and your first boyfriend) means you are growing up. You know you wanted one - everyone does...even if you can't admit it. Although you would probably rather shop for it alone...the shopping for it isn't as much fun as GETTING IT! But then what, things get twisted up a little. Other people notice this new thing and they start to talk. Drama rears its ugly head and soon you almost wish you hadn't admitted being ready for this....bra (oh wait, or were we talking about boys?)

Falling in love is supposed to be just like that...a little uncomfortable but so exciting on the inside you could explode. Your blood tingles as it runs through your veins, your breathing completely stops when he looks in your direction. Your palms get sweaty the moment you think he will reach for your hand. A jolt of electricity runs through your skin when you here the sound you have assigned only to his texts. And then other people have their say and words get twisted and you are SLAMMED with DRAMA. It's no fun.

So, what is love?

I have so many girls ask me this question. We talk about it on "the gathering" a lot. And this week it came up both on the wall and in private messages so I thought this was something that warranted some journaling.

All of the physiological things that happen to your body when you like a boy happen whether it is a crush or love. That excitement happens either way so you can't know right away if it is love or a crush.

The crush usually can't survive the drama...

The relationships that survive the drama, the gossip, the tragedies of love and find their bond STRONGER... that is probably more LOVE than CRUSH.

One of the girls on the gathering shared this and I loved it!

"Well define love...like cheesy middle school love that everyone thinks they're in...or that feeling I have inside me all the time that drives me insane with happiness? Is love being grateful for every second I get see him or talk to him? Knowing that my favorite thing about him is who he is inside, and not what he looks like or how good he is at this or that or because he compliments me? Is love that feeling I get when he smiles at me or looks at me? Or that feeling I get when you realize that this can't possible last forever but I want him to be happy with whoever he's with? Is it knowing he's my best friend and the one I can talk to anything about, joke around with, or tease? I've asked tons of people whether it's love or not but honestly....what is love?"

For your Friday journal, I want you to just make a WORD COLLAGE of all the things you feel when you are crushing on a boy. Cut words out of magazines, write them in, include images that maybe you can't give words to... be creative and work it out.

You'll know love when it comes... but it most likely the kind of love you are looking for won't come along for sometime. So, don't throw that word around too quickly. LOVE is a big thing and needs to be treated as such! Be careful!

Feel free to copy and print this journal page to use for this exercise.

GIRLS, we have to stick together...

2011-06-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

I talk to so many girls each week who are being mistreated by their GIRLFRIENDS!

There is no doubt in my mind that your teen years will be some of the hardest years of your life. But if you can't depend on your girlfriends, who can you turn to when life gets rough?

You owe it to each other to have some guidelines and boundaries for your friendship! It can be a lifelong pact! TRUE friends can stand the test of times, but it is a WORKING relationship that sometimes has to be tweaked to suit the times.

Here are 10 rules for how to be secure in your GIRLFRIENDSHIPS!

1. Support each other - be her biggest cheerleader!
2. Tell her how you feel - in ALL WAYS!
3. NEVER tell her secrets - unless he life depends on it!
4. Help her to stay safe in her thoughts and actions but give her room to be an individual!
5. When she asks for your advice, give her YOUR advice, not what you think she wants to hear.
6. Be there...ALWAYS!
7. Don't choose your BOYFRIEND over your BEST FRIEND!
8. Don't talk about her behind her back. If you have something to say, say it to HER!
9. NEVER EVER date your BFFs ex! EVER!
10. ABOVE ALL ELSE, LOVE HER TIL IT HURTS!

Your girl friends are your lifeline!

If you have a friend that needs this list, pass it along.

Never let anyone disrespect you verbally, physically or through gossip. If your BFF is doing any of these hurtful things, it is time to redefine what you are looking for in a friend and it is time to reset your boundaries.

Boundaries aren't only for boyfriends!

Dear ME.... it's Journal Entry Friday!

2011-05-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

Hey girls!
Grab your journals or print out the sheet below and let's get started!

Today's journal exercise is quite simple but at the same time, quite moving and powerful.

I recently heard a story about a woman on her wedding day who was presenting her husband with a letter she had written to him before she even knew him. She wrote the letter to a man she hadn't even met yet when she was a teenager taking an oath to remain pure for her husband. She commented that when she struggled with her values and was tempted to give in and take back that oath, she remembered that letter that was in her top drawer awaiting the man of her dreams. Because those words were written, because she could put her hands on them and re-read them at any moment, she would take a deep breath and make the right choice. And as she handed that letter to her husband on their wedding day, she was elated that she had kept that promise to herself, to God and to the man she would share something beautiful with on their wedding night.

This story brings me to tears every time I talk about it. How beautiful.

This brings me to our journal exercise. But I am going to change it up a little. I want you to write a letter to yourself. Something you will hold onto and know where it is at any moment. Something that will give you strength in times when you can't seem to find the strength within you. Something that will give you hope when everything coming at you looks bleak.

I want you to imagine you are grown and you are writing to yourself at the age you are now. This will be a thank you letter of sorts, thanking yourself for staying true to who you are and not selling out to be popular. This will be where you dream about WHO you want to become and what you want to be TO OTHER people as you grow up. What will others think of when they hear your name?

Now, imagine you are sitting on your bed. You have just returned from the best date ever. Your dream man has asked you to marry him and he told you everything he loves about WHO you are and WHAT you stand for. What do you imagine he said?

Write this letter as though you are that newly engaged young lady and you are thanking your younger self for all she did to stay true to who she was. What would this letter say?

"If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything"

Dear Me....

Fold your letter up, put it somewhere that you can put your hands on it at any moment. Use it like an old friend. Consult this letter when you have to make a life decision. It will give you strength to get through some tough decisions and it will be something you will treasure when you truly ARE sitting on that bed looking at the amazing diamond "he" just placed on your finger.

I LOVE MY BUTTERFLY GIRLZ

2011-05-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

Real words from a real girl,
"Yea, being a teen girl is complicated because in all the drama at first you feel like you floating on top of the sea of miserableness but you never know when all the drama is gonna get worse and then you see the big waves and then when you least expect it, the waves flip your boat over and you never know when you gonna reach the surface. But when you talk to someone about and try you very best to fix the problem then you finally reach the surface and the problem fades and drifts away."

And this is what we talk about on "the gathering" on facebook. If you need to chat it out, hash out life, complain, vent or ask for advice come on over and join the conversation. Request to join!!

CLICK ON THE LOGO TO JOIN

If YOU were in the DICTIONARY... it's Journal Entry Friday!

2011-05-20T07:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I posed the question,
"If YOU were in a dictionary, what would you WANT your definition to be?"

Jay McGraw (Dr. Phil's son) says, "You have to name it, before you can claim it." You can't go through life not knowing what you stand for. There's a famous quote that says, "If you don't know what you stand for, you will fall for anything."

I have talked to so many girls over the years who tell me about a boy taking advantage of them physically. They tell me the boy just kept saying, "Shhh, it's ok." They tell me they just weren't comfortable saying, "No!" In all cases these girls feel like something has been stolen from them. There is no doubt in their minds that those boys were wrong in what they did. They don't doubt that giving themselves (even parts of themselves) away was a mistake they will deal with for the rest of their lives. So, why did they let it happen?

I believe these things happen because we don't lay down CONCRETE boundaries in our lives. Girls as young as 2 and 3 are taught about inappropriate touching and what to do if it happens. But when you girls grow up, you get to a point in your lives where your mom can't determine your boundaries anymore. You need to OWN your decisions about what DEFINES you. YOU have this responsibility but all too often no one tells you that. Then you get into a situation with a boy or a mean girl pressuring you to do something you believe to be wrong and because you don't STAND for anything you FALL for their lies.

I am going to tell you a story from when I was 19.

I spent my high school years being the "goody two shoes." Some people made fun of me but mostly it was the girls who weren't as virtuous as I was and I just read into it that they were jealous that I was strong enough to say "no" to many things I was confronted with. I wasn't an outcast, I was a cheerleader, I dated the star basketball player on and off for 3 years. I was active in clubs and activities in school, I was in the Show Choir (which wasn't as drama-filled as GLEE!) So it wasn't my lack of popularity that made me a target, it was simply my choices and how OTHER people felt about them....as if I was wearing shirts that said, "I am better than you because I don't.... or .... or...."

When I went to college, I dated a boy that was my first experience with a "bad boy" so these boundaries I had set for myself were truly tested. I hadn't had anyone ask me, "What DEFINES you?" or "What are your personal concrete boundaries?" I was TOLD by my mom what the answers to those questions were. But, being in this not-so-healthy relationship helped me make those answers MY OWN.

One day I realized that when you have DEFINED BOUNDARIES, people can just sense it. When your boundaries are obvious by what you say, do and how you act...you don't deal with alot of what other girls your age do when it comes to peer pressure.

My boyfriend and I were at a party at his friend Rob's house. Unbeknownst to me, Rob was the biggest pig on the planet. At one point in the party a couple girls I didn't know came up to me and said, "We aren't sure what is going on but ever since you got here, Rob has been on his best behavior." I had no idea what they were talking about, I had never met the kid before so I had nothing to compare it to. On the way home that night, my boyfriend said, "Ya know, Rob really respects you. He didn't swear once or tell a dirty joke or be a pig once. It's like he KNEW you were a 'good girl'. I didn't think Rob had a decent bone in his body."

It was then that I realized that living my life the way I did, was SHOWING people what I would and would not accept from them. I didn't have to have a toe-to-toe confrontation with Rob to tell him my feelings about his foul mouth...he just behaved himself b/c it's what I EXPECTED. It was my DEFINITION.

"If YOU were in a dictionary, what would you WANT your definition to be?"

Now, I will tell you that staying together with this 'bad boy' led me down some roads where I stepped across my own boundaries enough times that what I had worked to build for those 19 years, fell and I had to rebuild portions of it again. So, I can see this situation from more that one side. I know what it's like to fall. But I know how much easier it is to get up if you BELIEVE in your own DEFINITION!

Use the following journal page to hash out your own PERSONAL DEFINITION. What will you demand from those around you? Respect, appropriate behaviors, drug-free friends, no bullying, no foul jokes, etc.....

Write your name as the word being DEFINED, then follow it with the definition...."a person who expects ........... a person who doesn't......... a person who won't tolerate............ a person who will always...................." Add more if you like.

The choices you make DEFINE who you are...

2011-05-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

When you don't know what a word means where do you go? When I was a teen, we opened a big fat book otherwise known as the DICTIONARY. Most of you reading this probably "have an app for that" or simply plug in 'dictionary.com' on your laptop.

We use a dictionary to DEFINE words to help us understand their meaning. So, if I said,
"The choices you make DEFINE who you are" how would you feel about that?

I have spent almost my entire adult life mentoring and unofficially counselling young girls on issues that define who they are (or who they think they are).

Girls like you struggle with body image, the longing to fit in, best friend drama, gossip and rumors, boys, sex, depression, cutting, alcohol and drugs and abuse at the hands of friends and family.

All of the decisions you make are weighted in one or more of the things I listed above.

Will you defy your parents and go to that party? Depends on what your bestfriend wants you to do.

Will you try a cigarette? Depends on if the 'populars' are watching.

Will you let a boy's hands roam into territory that makes your stomach sick? Depends on how badly you want him to like you.

Are you willing to risk changing the course of your life based on what your bestfriend, the populars or a boy think? When your choices pull you into a deep hole that you can't climb out of, where will that best friend, those populars and that boy be? They will have moved on.

You will have let their input on YOUR life help to DEFINE the course of your life.

If you look up the word DEFINE, you will read the following:

to explain or identify the qualities of something

to determine the boundaries of something

to make clear the outline or form of

Let's start thinking about the things that DEFINE you...

Grab a piece of paper and answer the following questions without considering what anyone else will think of your answers. You are the only one who will see this.

What are a few things that interest you?

What are you good at?

What healthy things do you enjoy doing?

What world/local issues would you like to see improved?

What are your dreams for the future?

Look at the answers on your list and think of the decisions you have been making in your life with friends or boys. Do they line up? Do the things that truly DEFINE YOU match up with the behaviors you are showing?

Let's try something else - we are going to DEFINE some words.

Click on the following words to see their definitions:

Friend

Treasure

Virtue

Now, I want you to think about these three words and write YOUR DEFINITION. If YOU were in a dictionary, what would you WANT your definition to be?

Put this paper you have been using somewhere that you can put your hands on it whenever you need to connect with that DEFINITION again. When you need some strength to make the right choice, check out YOUR DEFINITION. It won't be easy to stay on the straight and narrow but having thought this through...it will help you weed out the bad influences in your life and stay true to YOU!

Friday's Journal Exercise will follow along with this theme of WHO defines YOU!

Sketchers Shape Ups...You should be ASHAMED!

2011-05-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

This commercial is on TV... it is aimed for girls as young as 7.

We have talked alot on this blog about the messages our media is sending to young girls. Whether it is ABERCROMBIE'S padded bikini or something else, you are taking in information that someone ELSE is deciding is TRUTH. A company that wants your money can get really creative in HOW they market these things to you.

I want you to truly search for what this commercial's many messages are and leave your thoughts below.

It is YOUR turn to SPEAK out to the national marketing firms that ALLOW this to be shovelled into your heads.

REAL teen girls tell it like it is...

2011-05-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

Over on facebook on a group page called "the gathering" 250+ girls come together to chat, support each other, share stories, shed light on issues and learn to focus on what REALLY matters and stay ABOVE the drama instead of IN it. You have to request to join or be added by a friend who is already a group member, but if you are a TEEN GIRL, you are welcome to join us. Click the logo.

I am "wow"ed regularly by the things the girls are dealing with and how open they are to share. And I am in awe of the girls that step up and offer their advice and support. It is an amazing place to be on a day when you feel like you have nowhere to turn because there are many girls (and ME!) who can lift your spirits with some healthy advice. But it is also a great place to be when you are on top of the world because you will be able to use that positive energy to bless someone else.

The other day I asked the girls to describe what it was like to be a teen girl in 2011 and one answer took my breath away...

Alex shared this with us:

"Yea, being a teen girl is complicated because in all the drama, at first, you feel like you floating on top of the sea of miserableness. But you never know when all the drama is gonna get worse. And then you see the big waves and when you least expect it, the waves flip your boat over and you never know when you gonna reach the surface. But when you talk to someone about it and try you very best to fix the problem then you finally reach the surface and the problem fades and drifts away."

Thank you, Alex, for sharing your heart and for giving us this visual!!

If you would like to come check us out, please search "the gathering" on your facebook search bar, request to join and then come chat it up with all the girls. Like what you see? Invite your friends! It's a great place to be able to turn to.

What DIRECTION will your life take?

2011-05-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

This weekend I had the privilege of teaching a lesson written by Andy Stanley to a group of amazing 5th and 6th graders. This lesson has so much potential to reach you where you are and give you a visual of the DIRECTION your life is taking. This is something so powerful I wanted to share it with you here, on the blog.

I hope that you will choose to share it with friends that you think could adjust their direction toward a safer path. You could save a life!

Read this statement slowly, read it again and let it sink in:

Your path, not your intention, determines your destination.

Are you feelin' it? Do you "get" what that is saying? Basically it is telling you a TRUTH that could change your life...TODAY. You can have the best intentions for your life, for where you want to be one day. But the path you choose as you go through your teens is what will determine your destination.

So, let me paint the picture for you...

You have the INTENTION of being a smart girl as you go through your school years. You put school at a high priority and your dream is to be a teacher after college. That's a really good INTENTION!

However, you have a group of friends that start putting more emphasis on partying than school. You rationalize their behavior with, "Well, you're only young once. They are just trying to relieve their stress. It won't hurt if you only drink every now and then." Basically, you are believing that your INTENTION will get you to that dream of being a teach even if your PATH takes a little detour.

Now, a couple months down the road, your friends have moved into experimenting with drugs when they "party" - it's just a release, right? They are just blowing off steam. You try it here and there and you know that if you keep your eye on the prize (being a teacher) it will be easier for you to steer clear of becoming some kind of sick addict. You got this. You can handle this.

Report cards come home. You have failed 3 of your 5 major classes because your PATH has now veered so far away from your DESTINATION and you now realize that your INTENTION can NOT keep you on that right PATH...

Only your DIRECTION, not your INTENTION, determines your DESTINATION!

This is one of those things that if you don't take it seriously, you will look back on this day and think...why didn't I take that blog post seriously?!

So, what happens when you realize you are veering off the path? There are four words that can change your life: ACTION, SACRIFICE, EMBARRASSMENT and RELIEF! If you find yourself on a PATH that is so far from your INTENTION, there is hope!! You can get back on that path! I promise! But you will have to WORK and FIGHT for it. But you will be stronger for it! And the story you will have to tell and share with others will be so inspirational!

Now, here's the deal with these four words!!

ACTION - This is knowing you have to do something, i.e. end a relationship, make a phone call, have a tough conversation, and doing it. You know what it is. You know there is an ACTION you need to take that will change your direction. But what will this take?

SACRIFICE - You will realize that the ACTION you need to take will require giving something up. It may mean walking away from a friendship. It may mean walking away from a "habit" you have gotten yourself into. It may mean sacrificing your reputation. Youch. As a society, we don't like depriving ourselves of something.We are brought up believing if something feels uncomfortable it must be bad... sacrifice for the right reasons will still be uncomfortable but it is ALWAYS the right thing to do. So, what happens then?

EMBARRASSMENT - You are going to have to grow a thick skin. Your friends will hate that you are making a wise choice! Your reputation is going to change and teens will have a field day with this. People will see this change and because they aren't in your head, they won't understand it. And that's OK. You need to take care of YOU. Your true friends will know your heart and support your choices. What does this get you?

RELIEF - This is the good news! You will look back on this whole process and be able to breathe a sigh of relief. You got out. You are back on track. You will watch those people who continued down that path you WERE on and you will breathe that sigh of relief over and over when you see them fumble and you realize you got out in time. You didn't get pregnant before graduation. You weren't addicted to prescription drugs. You got into your dream college. You have the most amazing friends that SHARE YOUR PATH and will celebrate with you when you all reach that DESTINATION together!

The key to all of this is realizing AHEAD of time that your DIRECTION IS CHANGING- don't wait until you are LOST...and, like a GPS, re-route your path and get back on the right route before you really don't know where you are!

Let's discuss this some more - tell us YOUR story in the comments below.

Thank you, Andy Stanley, for an AWESOME, life-changing lesson!

Philanthropy... It's Journal Entry Friday

2011-05-06T06:23:00.000-07:00

phi·lan·thro·py/fəˈlanTHrəpē/Noun

1. The desire to promote the welfare of others, expressed esp. by the generous donation of money to good causes.

This is one of my favorite things to talk to teens about. So often, as teens, you can feel like "you're just not old enough" for anything...not old enough to drive, not old enough to have a job, not old enough to walk to school, not old enough for Prom, not old enough for... well, you can fill in the blanks.

So, I think it is natural that if this message is pounded through your head enough, you start to just ASSUME you are too young to do any BIG thing.

Well, I am here to tell you that is a not the case. There are many teens (and even younger kids) who have changed the lives of many people because they saw a need and they did something to fill it.

I talk to kids all the time about the "Oprah effect" - what's that? Well, it's my own term for feeling like your efforts aren't making a difference if you don't end up on Oprah. It's this kind of thinking, "Sure, I could help stock the shelves at the food pantry but no one would know I did it. So, it's not really helping anyone if it's not making the news."

You don't have to make the news to make a difference. You can affect the lives of the people around you by one simple (even anonymous) act of kindness. I believe we were put on this earth to give back humbly. Giving humbly means to give with your whole heart without NEEDING a "thank you" or any notoriety.

I have gotten many letters over the years from teens thanking me for affecting their lives in a way that helped shape who they are as adults and in some cases, as parents. (Yeah, that makes me feel old!) But I have never been on Oprah or in the news. Does not being on the news cancel out my impact on their lives? Of course not!

So, what if I decided NOT to help them when they needed it b/c it wasn't going to get me on the news? Sounds pretty selfish, doesn't it?

So, WHAT THINGS MOVE YOU?
What ONE THING do you want to affect?
What group of PEOPLE needs YOU?
Who is waiting for YOU to help?

Take some quiet time right now. Close the door, get out your journal, get comfy and close your eyes.

Think about the things that tug on your heart, the things you see about the world that concern you, maybe they are things on the news that make you cry.

Maybe there are things that affect your life personally?
Is it a disease that needs research funding? (Cancer, fibromayalgia, etc)
Is it something about your family life that you makes you want to bless others in your same situation? (Adoption, single-parent homes, etc)
Some efforts can be for non-humans, too...like abused animals or endangered species.

What is it for you?

Start making a list in your journal. You will probably have a long list.

There are MANY things that move me to tears but only a few that I feel I have the talents and passions to be able to help. Some I can support but don't feel the same passion for as I do for the ones I feel like I could stand up and speak to people about. I am in FULL support of rescuing dogs from puppy mills, but my talents are based in my connections with teens so that is "my" cause.

Now, narrow it down to a couple that are the MOST meaningful to you.

Now, which one are you passionate enough about that you feel you could speak to a small group of people about and they would "join" you in your activism for this cause?

Your journal exercise today is to write what you would say to that small group about your cause. Write a mini-speech.

Use this journal page if you don't have one of your own:

Your "A HA!" MOMENT! Once you write your "mini speech" you may find yourself imagining organizing help efforts for your cause. Google what other people are doing to raise money or awareness. Some causes simply need people to collect items; winter coats, school supplies, etc.

Which friends would make a perfect committee?

GO! Make it happen!
Come back and let us know what you are doing! This is SO exciting!

Philanthropy...

2011-05-04T08:35:00.000-07:00

phi·lan·thro·py/fəˈlanTHrəpē/Noun

1. The desire to promote the welfare of others, expressed esp. by the generous donation of money to good causes.

I didn't know this word until I was in college. It wasn't something anyone had discussed with me or taught me about until I was face to face with many GREEK organizations that supported so many things. I saw the tens of thousands of dollars that one organization could raise for Alzheimer's or Muscular Dystrophy in a relatively short time.

Of course I went to Penn State which is the home of the Largest Student Run Philanthropy on the PLANET! Dance Marathon! This past February the Greek Organizations of Penn State went above and beyond for CHILDHOOD CANCER and raised...

Yes, you read it right....$9.56 MILLION!!!

When I saw this potential teens had while I WAS a teen at Penn State, I actually wished someone had told me that I could make a difference. ME.

You put a lot of "ME's" together and you get results like this! I wish more teens realized their potential when it comes to touching the lives of others in a positive way.

I have to wonder if all the hopelessness teens feel is not a result of not living this reality. Can you imagine taking a teen who feels like she has no worth, no potential and putting her in a situation where she gets to change the life of one person. The results would be astronomical!

When I was preparing to jump into this world of writing for and speaking to teens, a very wise businessman told me to write my personal mission statement. When I was thinking about teens not plugging into PHILANTHROPIES like they should be, I was reminded of this mission statement.

This is what I wrote:
"My mission is to use my gifts to positively influence children of all ages to love and respect themselves, others and the life they've been given and to empower them with the truth that they can be a changing force that positively influences the world around them."

And that's my challenge to you today. Think about how your want to impact the world around you? Do you find yourself interested in one specific type of charity? Is there something that when it flashes across the TV you are immobile? Something that you wish you had a magic wand to fix? This could be your soul trying to get your attention. What "moves" you?

Here are some great stories about teens making a difference. Check them out and see if anything sparks your fancy. We will be continuing this conversation on Friday with our Journaling Day.

Teen Bakes for Cancer Patients
Teen Girl Uses Her Faith to Guide her Philanthropy Choices
Trading Probation for Running

Where is your heart in this matter?

"the gathering" - a NEW Online HOT SPOT for TEEN Girls

2011-05-02T05:50:00.000-07:00

I am so excited to introduce "the gathering" to you and all of your friends. This is a facebook group (just search the words "the gathering" in the search bar and request to join) specifically for teen girls who want to connect with other girls or get some good advice or share a celebration or change the world.

This is a safe CLOSED group that is closely monitored by myself and my Advisory Team of teens.
My whole program...the book I am writing (which is still up for grabs so publishers and agents I NEED YOU), the workshops I run, my Advisory Team of amazing teens, this blog and now "the gathering"...has been built on methods that empower girls with the self-respect they deserve and are ALLOWED to demand and the boundaries only they can set.

Yes, it can be that simple. But do you know why? Self-respect and boundaries don't only have to do with boys...self-respect and boundaries effect EVERY part of your life...

~ your education
~ your friendships
~ your family life
~ your safety
~ your hopes and dreams
~ your career
~ your life's direction
...and so much more

My life's calling is to empower young women through a knack that I have been blessed with, a knack for connection. When I was a first year teacher right out of college, I thought I connected with my students simply because I was only a couple years older than them. Now, at almost 41, I realize this connection phenomenon has only become more obvious and stronger and with MORE girls than ever.

Please come join us on "the gathering," introduce yourself and then invite all your friends... we're going to take the world by storm!

Boundaries - It's Journal Entry Friday

2011-04-29T07:17:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been two weeks since our last journal entry blog post. I apologize for not having one up for you last week, while on vacation I simply lost track of the days of the week. Before I knew it, Friday had passed.

This week the Butterfly Girlz Advisory Team has been talking alot about BOUNDARIES so I thought this was a perfect subject to bring to you today. We have talked about Boundaries with Boys, but this week we were discussing ALL of the personal boundaries that define who we are.

I asked the girls a simple question, "What are some of your personal boundaries?" and I got some amazing answers, of course, boundaries with boys were included but there were other boundaries that I thought were worth sharing.

"I have boundaries about eating to much junk food & candy"

"respecting myself and my family and not letting people push me around"

"being polite...and being responsible... also I try so hard to be honest in all situations"

Just like we talked about being clear about our boundaries with boys, we need to be secure and sure about our other personal boundaries.

I started this conversation with you yesterday when I posted the conversation I had with a young lady who was troubled by as situation that involved her boyfriend and another girl who was crossing a line. You can read that post HERE.

The way we live our lives and the boundaries we set will shape who we become. I want you to think really deeply about that... I will repeat it for you...

"the boundaries we set will shape who we become"

Teenagers have this notion that their teen years are the time to let loose (you're only young once), be free (if it feels good, do it) and go against authority (I'm tired of people telling me what to do)...

In actuality, your teen years are PRACTICE for becoming an adult. What are you right after you finish your teen years? An adult. There is no grace time in between. You don't live your teen years like a 6 year long party and then have a couple years to get all your ducks in a row before becoming an adult. You leave your teens the day of your 20th birthday. BAM! You are no longer a teen, you are a young adult! There is no grace period.

I graduated from high school a virgin. Yep, the big "V"! It's not for lack of opportunity, I had a serious boyfriend from the summer before my Senior year to the summer after. We spent alot of time together and we spent a lot of time alone. But I was taught that sex was for husband and wife. Little did I know that this virtue I had chosen for myself was not as private as I thought.

One day during my senior year, my good friend Paul leaned across the lunch table and shared something with me I will never forget. I don't remember his exact words but the sentiment he shared had a huge impact on my life.

I knew Paul since 7th grade, we had lots of classes together all the way through to our Senior year. Paul was a really popular guy, had girlfriends for as long as I knew him, was a bit of a rebel (just a little). He was a black-leather-jacket-wearing wonderfully good-looking guy. (He won "Best Eyes" in the Senior noteables)

Paul shared with me that he truly was in awe of the choices I made and how, even amid the pressures of high school, I had remained pure. He said it was beautiful. He said even though he was rarely without a girlfriend, he hoped to someday find a girl with morals set as high as mine.

Now, I didn't wear a VIRGIN t-shirt, I had never had the sex-or-no-sex conversation with Paul. But the boundaries I had set, had apparently shaped who I had become and who I was to those around me. I had no idea MY choices would have such an impact on those around me.

For your journal entry today, I want you to imagine you have a "Paul" in your life throughout Middle and High School. I want you to picture yourself sitting across from him at lunch when he leans over to have a similar conversation with you...

Paul's comments to me revolved around my choice to remain pure. But I don't want your journal entry to relate it to just boy-girl relationships. I want you to think of your boundaries as a whole...honesty, compassion, integrity, trustworthiness, etc.

What kinds of things will your "Paul" say to you?
This exercise is for you to envision yourself at the tender age of 18 and who you want to BE. This journal exercise will give you the roadmap for how to get there.

Here is your journal page:
(as always, I would love for you to share your entries in the comments if you feel comfortable doing so)

Setting Appropriate Boundaries...

2011-04-28T06:08:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a girl today, let's call her Liza, who was troubled deeply by the actions of another girl toward Liza's boyfriend. The other girl was using crude language about her own "experiences" and even touched Liza's boyfriend in an intimate way and kissed him on the lips when she said "goodbye."

Liza was horribly offended at the way this girl was acting IN FRONT of Liza and a whole group of other people, too. She said to me, "I am truly NOT a prude, but she really crossed the line!"

I asked Liza if she said anything to her boyfriend about how she was feeling. She told me she vented to her girlfriends about it to get it out of her system but hadn't said anything to her boyfriend b/c she didn't want to come across as a "nag" and she didn't want him to think she was being "petty" about the situation.

I asked her if she said anything to the other girl. She said she didn't say anything at all to her but she reacted to the girl in a way that was NOT typically how she treated people. I asked her to explain. She said, "I was mean. She would ask me a question and I would throw an answer back that was loud and borderline inappropriate."

I asked her how that made her feel.
"I didn't like it. It's not 'me' to act that way. I hated the way I felt about how I acted."

We talked some more and tried to get to the bottom of WHY she felt she COULDN'T make her feelings known by speaking her mind as she watched the situation play out. She came to the conclusion that she was afraid of people thinking she was a prude. So afraid that she was ready to just let all these actions slide hoping they would go away.

Now, I can ask you...will this situation just go away?

No. You know it won't. And, quite honestly, she knows it won't.

So, Liza and I had a long talk about BOUNDARIES! Obviously this other girl has broader boundaries than Liza... one can see that by her roaming hands and lips and her off-color words and comments.

I am always amazed that this is a recurring issue with girls around the globe. Girls who have tighter boundaries seem to feel as though they are inconveniencing people by expecting them to act more appropriately.

Let me ask you this, imagine you are babysitting at the park and while you cautiously watch the little boy who has been entrusted to you for the afternoon, you look up to see a little girl run toward the gate that someone has left open. You grab the little boy you are watching and remind him to NEVER leave the fenced area. As you continue to watch, you can see the baby(bench)sitter is texting. When you glance toward the little escape artist you see she has left the fenced area and is headed down a hill toward a busy intersection. Her little feet are moving way too fast to stop at the bottom.

But, rather than inconvenience the texting sitter, you take your little boy's hand and turn to head back to the swings. You wouldn't want her to think you were petty by expecting her to have the same boundaries as you.

Does that seem ridiculous? Of course it does!

So, back to Liza and her boyfriend and the boundary-pushing girl...

By not expecting the other girl to respect her boundaries, Liza was allowing the other girl to SET the boundaries FOR her. She was giving all of her power away.

We set boundaries to stay safe, to be comfortable and to stand up for what we believe to be right and true and good. When we don't make those boundaries clear, we fall victim to the poor choices of others. We allow situations into our lives that will bring us pain and heartbreak.

Liza has every right to set the following boundaries (and any others she feels strongly about) with anyone who comes into her life:

Do NOT use offensive/suggestive language when in my presence
Do NOT put your hands/lips on my significant other

You have the right to make these boundaries known. It's not easy and you risk having people make judgements about your boundaries. But, I can tell you from experience, being a "Goody-Two-Shoes" can build your self-esteem MUCH further than being accepted into a group that prides itselfs in inappropriate behaviors. Taking part in things that go against your boundaries will do more harm than good, It will break your spirit and make you question WHO you really ARE.

Tomorrow I will share a personal story about boundaries!
Stay Tuned!

Girl + Fake Pregnancy = Astounding Social Experiment!

2011-04-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

Check out Gaby Rodriguez... her elaborate plan rocked her school and brought many to tears.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

The Butterfly Girlz are all about stepping out of our comfort zone to affect the lives of the people we have contact with. Gaby sets a good example AND inspires many to take a risk!

What would YOU stand up for, if you had Gaby's courage?

What are YOU seeing? Media Literacy Monday

2011-04-18T15:19:00.000-07:00

Walt Mueller of the Center for Parent-Youth Understanding says “Ten years ago, music was the biggest outside influence on teenage culture and worldview. Today it is marketing, because it has become so incredibly pervasive. The average teen in America sees between 3,500 and 6,500 marketing messages every single day! They don’t buy most of those products, but they are increasingly buying the worldview that is being sold along with the ads.”

3,500 to 6,500 marketing messages EVERY day?! Call me crazy but that seems like an awful lot. If someone told you 3,500 today that you weren't thin enough, pretty enough or "anything" enough...would you start to believe it? Of course you would!

So, what do you do? Mueller's advice is good advice...

1. Know the motivation behind the ads you are seeing...what is the motivation? The almighty dollar!! When you see an advertisement for clothes, do you get the impression that you would be "cooler" if you wore those clothes? Yes. Do you TRULY...and I mean TRULY... believe those clothes MAKE you cooler? I ask you again, do those CLOTHES make you cool? Who makes you cool? YOU DO! Those clothing companies are after the money in the wallets of the people who fall for that tactic.

*so think of something you recently saw on TV, heard on the radio, read in a magazine that made you feel you could "improve" yourself - follow that thing back to the origin...is it a company that is trying to sell you something?

2. Take a media break. For (Mueller says, one week, but let's start simple) two days turn off all media. Yes, that means TV, radio, internet. Don't open a magazine. Spend some time with yourself and your thoughts.

*keep track of whether you feel more comfortable in your own skin on that day. You might be surprised!

So, in the comments below, let's chat about this.

How do you feel when you walk into Hollister? Sure, they have cool clothes, but do the models on the walls make you feel GOOD about YOU?

Boundaries w/ BOYS - It's Journal Entry Friday

2011-04-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

The Butterfly Girlz Advisory Team has been talking about boys this week. We have been talking about what drives us crazy and how to deal with it. I thought this would be a great Friday Journaling subject.

So, here are some of the things the girls were saying...

K: [I hate it] when they act like they like you and then they totally ignore you and are super mean and annoying. This bothers me because they like lead you on and then you start to like the guy.

N: How they are nice to you on minute, then mean to you the next, it's so annoying.

M: I think what really gets me is when they say they like you, but they send you mixed signals. & they don't understand how girls work and usually end up hurting us in the end :(

E: with some guys, if they like u, they don't show it. instead they r mean to u and do weird things to try to "impress" you. that gets on my nerves.

My advice to the girls: Ya know, I don't even think they realize they do this sometimes, their brains are so all over the place at this age, I think they also like to be in control of the situation so they don't get shot down first... it is not fair... but you know what you can learn from this? GUARD YOUR HEART...don't fall too fast... put your trust in YOU to make a wise decision, not in THEM to be who you HOPE they are...

Then the conversations changed directions a little with the following comment from one of the older girls on the Team:

L: This may only fall in the category of boys who like you/ boyfriends.... boys who are clingy!! Let me do my thing dude, you'll get your time haha.

This comment fell right in line with what I was trying to get across... and made me think of something CHAD EASTHAM said at The Revolve Tour last weekend...he was talking about making plans and setting boundaries.

He asked girls for a definition of the word DATING... he got many very different responses. The variation of what girls think "dating" is was astounding...from hanging out with the boy you like to being in love with someone that you do everything with.

Then he asked girls to define the word HOUSE. Well, of course, that was much easier. A house has rooms with walls, it has windows and doors...etc etc.

I bought Chad's new book (LOVE his title!!) and I came upon this same conversation again and thought it would be a GREAT way to hash out this issue we have with the ways boys/boyfriends treat us.

It is easy for us to define what a HOUSE is because we have a clear concept of WHAT IT IS. There are things you need to have in a structure you will call a house - it needs to have a kitchen, some bedrooms, bathrooms (of course), a living room or den. There have to be doors and windows to be able to get in and out.

So, when it comes to boys, do you set up the same kind of "plan" - with boys, those details need to be laid out as boundaries...which in essence is how a house is laid out. We have a bathroom right next to our kitchen, I NEED there to be a wall there - that is the boundary I have set for the people trying to eat dinner. That boundary keeps the four of us at the dinner table from having to be a part of what is going on in the bathroom with the one that left just moments ago.

Chad talks about setting boundaries by laying out what you EXPECT from a relationship with a boy. I thought the questions he asks would be PERFECT to follow up our week-long discussion the Advisory Team has been having about boys and also is a helpful tool for anyone old enough to start thinking they might be interested in a specific boy.

Chad challenges us to think AHEAD about what we EXPECT:
Use the following questions and the journal page below to do this week's FRIDAY JOURNAL ENTRY!

How much time are you going to spend together?
How much time are you going to spend talking on the phone, texting or chatting online?
What physical boundaries have you set for yourself? What lines with you NOT cross under any circumstances?
What kind of time will you spend with each other's friends and families?

And I want to add a couple questions about boundaries, too...

What are your VERBAL boundaries? Are there words and/or subjects that you will not accept as appropriate when spoken in front of or to you?
What are his boyfriend 'no-brainers' in your mind? Will he walk you to class? Will he change lunch tables to sit with you and not his friends?
Will he have boundaries YOU will need to respect? What are they?

By digging a little deeper, you may find out some things you didn't know about yourself. and that's why JOURNAL ENTRY FRIDAY is so stinkin' cool!

Here's your journal page:

Thanks Chad Eastham for inspiring us to think DEEPER!

Where do you draw the line?

2011-04-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

It's been a big week for young girls talking about BOYS. Maybe it's Spring. Maybe it's the moon. Who knows but I am a firm believer that there's a reason for everything and if one girl reads this post and learns something, well, then the reason for all that BOY talk was to inspire me to lay it all out for you to read.

I have a friend who counsels teens, a couple friends in the local school system, numerous friends who are parents of teens and I mentor teens online throughout the week. I hear it all. Nothing shocks me but there are so many things that make me sad about girls and their mindset on BOYS.

If I could rent a car and a bullhorn and travel every road in the country shouting out guidance that would keep you true to who you were meant to be - I would do it in a heartbeat! My own children might change their names - can you see me?

So, you see where I am going with this...

I talked to a young girl this week who was concerned for a friend who was letting her boyfriend's hands roam at school. When I asked why she thought her friend would think this was OK, she said because they do more than that when they are alone. I asked why her friend thought THAT was OK, she said because when she talks about it at school, the girls react in a "you're so lucky" kind of way. This girl is 12.

Someone shared a story with me about a 14-year old girl who wanted to know when was an appropriate age to "give" herself to her boyfriend. Well, I have to say, the right answer is "NOT 14!" (Don't get mad... keep reading... let me explain) However, this girl said she thought it was her responsibility to give herself away..."It's what girls do, right? We are just supposed to, aren't we?"

I have talked to many girls over the years that want to know how far is too far, how much is too much, what's OK and what's not... I make it a point when I talk to girls about this subject to let them know I don't judge - I don't think less of you because of what you've done....I am here to help, no matter WHAT stage of this dilemma you are in. Whether you are considering the next step with your boyfriend or you have already taken that step, I am here to answer your questions. What would judging do? Nothing.

Here's how I look at it...
I relate it to butterflies.

Each time you let someone cross the line - whether it is in the way they treat you, something they say that is uncalled for, a rumor that's spread - you let one of your butterflies go. Your butterflies help you to float above the muck of life. With each butterfly that escapes, the closer you are to getting messy...life will get messy. You can chase after the escaped butterflies when you realize you should have stood up for yourself and held on tighter to your self-respect...but that takes time and alot of effort to get them back. It's worth it. But it's not easy. Much easier to just hold onto them to begin with.

Teenage boys are truly just a giant mass of hormones - their bodies are raging with hormones they don't know what to do with. These hormones make them do and say stupid things (now, keep in mind, most boys are not bad...for the most part they are as confused about their actions as you are) and these hormones make them WANT to try things that they think that make them cool.

Some boys just act goofy, some sprinkle curse words in every sentence, some Google not-so-good images and some experiment with what they can get away with with girls. Roaming hands, telling you they love you and if you love them you will ... (fill in the blank).

THIS is where you draw the line...when it comes to your body.
Whose body is it? YOURS!
Whose? YOURS!
YOURS!
YOURS!
YOURS!

One of the biggest mistakes girls make when they are young is associating "giving in" to a boy as showing her love to him. Well, let me tell you... that is not what the boy is getting out of it. He is not thinking, "Wow! She really loves me." The only thing this is communicating to the boy is, "Wow! That wasn't difficult. Wonder how far she will go next time."

When you give one of these butterflies away... you can't get it back. There is a piece of you that that boy will carry around for the rest of his life.

The void you feel from the LOST butterflies hurts...

When we lose something what do we do? We try to find it. When we can't find it what do we do? We try to replace it.

Because at 12 or 14, like the girls I mentioned above, your brain is not fully developed it is so hard to make sense of that void... that hole that you feel in your heart. Your critical thinking and problem solving skills will one day be located in the frontal lobe of your brain which does not mature until you are in your mid-20's.

Your brain will tell you to find something to fill that void.

Do you see where I am going with this?

Your brain will tell you that going farther will fill that void... and so the cycle begins.

When that boy has long gone... you will still be searching for what will fill that butterfly-shaped hole in your heart.

So, my message to you is...

LOVE URSELF ENOUGH 2 SAY NO!

Are you hearing me through that bullhorn? I am right outside - yelling to every house on your street.

Hold onto those butterflies so they can help you FLOAT when life gets really tough.

So, what about those of you who already have a butterfly-shaped hole in your heart? You can't go back...but you CAN learn from your mistake and this is when you fill that hole with YOU - invest in getting to know yourself better. Take some time to spend with you... take a walk, let yourself vent, talk about how you feel. Learn from your mistakes and promise yourself that you won't repeat them. Journal your heart. Write a letter to the boy who pushed you a little too far - don't give it to him (rip it into tiny pieces and flush it) but get those feelings out so you can start to heal and so you can see clearer and make better choices when a similar situation arises.

You're going to be OK, I promise - you can come out of this stronger and more aware.

Leave me your comments, tell me what you think.

As always email me michellebrownlow@yahoo.com if you want to chat deeper about this subject.

Monday's MUSIC! Britt Nicole, Group 1 Crew, Jamie Grace, Hawk Nelson!

2011-04-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

Some of the local Butterfly Girlz and I attended The REVOLVE Tour this weekend and we had a BLAST!

The speakers were AMAZING...

We all LOVED Chad Eastham he knows A LOT about guys - and isn't that what we girls wanna know?!

You can connect with Chad and read more about him on his AWESOME WEBSITE!

The Girlz fell in LOVE with the music that we rocked out to so I thought since today was MEDIA/MUSIC Monday, I would share that music with you! We have been singing it since we left the arena on Saturday!

Introducing BRITT NICOLE!!!!!!!!!

Double click this video to get to YouTube and check out all her other videos! She is AWESOME!!!!! We all thought she looks and sounded a lot like Carrie Underwood!! She was SO MUCH FUN!

Then we all giggled with JAMIE GRACE! LOVE HER!
Toby Mac found her on YouTube...and ended up producing her NEW SINGLE!! GO JAMIE! WE LOVE YOU!

We had a BLAST dancing all around to GROUP 1 CREW!!
SOOOOOO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!!!!

And of course...we were ALL crushing on HAWK NELSON!
Oh my WORD these guys were a BLAST!

So, check all of these AMAZING artists out on iTunes and load up your playlist with THIS music. So, the next time you hear lyrics that are offensive, throw in your earbuds and ROCK OUT to some music that is sure to make you feel GOOD - really GOOD!

Circle Yes or No! - It's Journal Entry Friday

2011-04-08T07:13:00.000-07:00

This week brought me the inside scoop on typical teen drama that some moms don't want to hear. But I want to hear it all. Nothing shocks me. I don't have that "GASP! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!" reaction so my kids know they can come to me with anything and we chat it out calmly.

I have a large network of professionals that I speak to daily. Some are professional moms (btw - you HAVE to be professional to be a good mom!), some are in the schools everyday working as teachers, some are what I like to call professional teens - the ones that take their life seriously enough to open up and talk about it.

This week the theme seemed to be BOYS!

Alright, when I was in school - yes, back when the dinosaurs roamed in the playground - boys started being interested in girls in 6th grade. Now when I say "interested" I just mean they one day woke up and thought, "Hey, wait, Michelle isn't a boy - woah - that means she's a ... oh, what are they called... duhhh ummm, oh yeah, she's a girl! A girl. Hmmm. I wonder what they do. I guess I better watch some of them a little closer to figure them out."

I am not bashing boys or insinuating that they are big oafs. It truly just happens that way for them. So, one day in 6th grade I got a note from a boy named David, asking if I would be his girlfriend. Now, David sat RIGHT NEXT TO ME so he could have just turned to me and said, "Hey, wanna be my girlfriend?" But, no, I got this crinkled, sweaty scrap of paper that looked a little like this:

OK, there are a couple things that should have bothered me about this note - first, my name is not "Michael" and if David really cared about me, I would have liked for him to at least make sure he knew how to spell my name.

Secondly, giving me the option to circle my answer meant we could potentially become a "couple" without even TALKING to one another. I don't even remember speaking to David before he asked me out.

Third, if this boy didn't know me well enough to even ask me a question, wouldn't he want to make sure he KNEW the girl he was asking out? If he really didn't care, why would I want to be his girlfriend? How would he treat me?

Now, I know notes aren't usually the "thing" these days, boys just ask their friends to ask the girl they like... or in some cases, the poor boy confides in his friends about the girl he likes and he gets ambushed! Before he knows it, his friends have taken it upon themselves to "set them up" and by the end of the day the girl has said "yes" to a question SHE believes came from the boy. Hearts will be breaking by the end of the week. This is not how to start your dating experiences.

Here's the way I look at it and I want you to think about approaching this situation this way, too...

If the boy does not have the nerve to personally ask you to be his girlfriend, he most likely won't have the decency to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. He will most likely just hold the right to say you are "his" - he very well may not talk to you at all... ever. You are a beautiful prize that comes in a precious package, you are worth waiting for. And if he needs to wait a couple month to get enough nerve to talk to you, then let him wait. Besides, wouldn't you want to get to know him before it becomes public that you like him enough to be his girlfriend? People will make assumptions about you BASED on the people you give your time to. Is he worth your time?

There is no rush to jump into a relationship with someone. I just talked to a boy yesterday who asked for advice because he thought he liked two different girls at the same time. He wasn't "going out" with anyone but he was killing himself over the fact that he couldn't decide who he liked more.

I told this boy that this was not a dilemma at all. Unless he was in a "Ask the girl you like the best out within 24 hours and win $1,000,000!" contest, there was NO rush to make that decision. Being single and "enjoying" the company of multiple girls is NOT a crime. He can be very good friends with many girls and do just that... be friends. He is learning what is attractive to him. He is learning what he is looking for by keeping his options open. He is saving everyone a lot of heartbreak by not pressuring himself to ask one of them out so he has the elusive title of "boyfriend."

It is the same for you girls, the best relationships start out as FRIENDSHIPS not sweaty note-writers.

Rewind back to 1982, soon after circling "yes" on David's note we started talking a little here and there. One afternoon as we passed in our spelling tests I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He quickly answered with,
"A garbage truck."

So, girls, today's journal exercise is for you to make a list of the qualities you would like in a boyfriend. Think of everything... (print the journal page below if you need one)

Do you want him to say "excuse me" when he burps? So, you want someone POLITE.
This of it all!

Now, look at the length of your list... do boys your age have most of these qualities? You are worth waiting for...use this journal exercise to focus on what your STANDARDS are! Now, write these words at the bottom of your list...

"Should I expect A LOT from the boy who wants to be my boyfriend? Circle Yes or No"
Then CIRCLE "YES!"

Comment below - let's talk some more about this in the comments!
As always email me @ michellebrownlow@yahoo.com if you want to speak privately about this or any other subject.

Butterfly Landing Mini-Magazine is COMING!

2011-04-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

We are so excited to announce the May/June issue of our BRAND NEW Mini-Mag!

We are currently accepting submissions from teen girls and look forward to making this magazine available to girls around the world!

Follow the blog so you can keep up with the NEWS about the mini-mag and any call for submissions we may have in the near future!

Mercy Me - Beautiful

2011-04-05T06:59:00.000-07:00

Girls!
Such a lovely message in this song!

You are made for so much more than this! All that drama in your life, don't let it get you down. Walk taller because you have the freedom to CHOOSE who you will become in this life!

I am so passionate about YOU, even if I have never met you, I know I was meant to touch your life in some way. Your life is precious. Take it seriously. Be your best!

You are BEAUTIFUL!

SNOOKI - a role model? Rutgers University thinks so...

2011-04-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

Even if you live under a rock, you know who Snooki is.
Even if you have never turned on an episode of Jersey Shore (which I would advise you not to), you know who Snooki is.

Nicole Polizzi is now famous for her foul-mouth rants, her party-girl tendencies and her inappropriate under-the-covers activities. Apparently Rutgers, a prestigious University, felt that this was the type of woman they wanted to celebrate. WHAT?!

They hosted Snooki last week as part of their optional student activities.

Parents pay a whopping $23,000 per year for their student to attend Rutgers, a University that prides itself in shaping students to become productive members of society.

From the Rutgers website: "As it was at our founding in 1766, the heart of our mission is preparing students to become productive members of society and good citizens of the world. Rutgers teaches across the full educational spectrum: preschool to precollege; undergraduate to graduate and postdoctoral; and continuing education for professional and personal advancement. Rutgers is New Jersey’s land-grant institution and one of the nation’s foremost research universities, and as such, we educate, make discoveries, serve as an engine of economic growth, and generate ideas for improving people’s lives."

This esteemed university paid Snooki $32,000 ($2,000 more than they are paying Toni Morrison, the Nobel Prize-winning author that will be speaking at graduation and almost $10,000 more than the annual tuition) for her appearance where her message to students was appropriately named,

STUDY HARD...PARTY HARDER!

The Rutgers University Programming Association, a student-run committee invited Snooki to speak after polling students as to who they would like to have. The mandatory student activity fee that each student pays with their tuition each year is where the funds came from to host the STUDY HARD...PARTY HARDER event!

Parents are in an uproar. Essentially more than one student's full year's tuition went into Snooki's pocket.

What message is this sending?

Your parents teach you to make wise choices, stand up for yourself and insist on being respected by boys. We teach teens to "Just say no," to be responsible for your actions and a whole world of opportunities will be open to you.

GIRLS BEWARE: This is not what the media is teaching you.

Rutgers is allowing someone with no moral compass to impact a student body with her own twisted view of the world.

Girls, this is where MEDIA LITERACY is so important.

Look closely at what made Snooki famous...

What do YOU want to be known for?

The activities and events you partake in begin to define you. When something starts to define you, it becomes what people expect from you. What people expect becomes the pressure you feel to fit that mold. Then, you become what you invest your time in, those activities and events from the beginning of this paragraph.

What will you invest your time in?

You are worth investing in and that is why I write this blog. It is why I speak and counsel/mentor teen girls. You are worth my time.
You are worth your weight in gold.

So, learn how to SHINE, for the right reasons!

MEDIA LITERACY - It's Journal Exercise Friday

2011-03-31T06:22:00.000-07:00

"Media Literacy" is a big buzz word these days. Know what it means? Well, let's break it down...

to be *literate* is to be able to read, right? Yes.
the *media* is what you see and hear on TVand the internet and in music and magazines, right? Yes.

So, being Media Literate means being able to READ what you are SEEING and HEARING.

What do you think the media is telling young girls in 2011?

You don't have to look too far before you see girls in way too little clothing in compromising poses with boys. You can see that just walking at the mall and peeking into stores like Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch.

You don't have to flip through the channels for more than a few seconds before you see something that objectifies girls/women as "eye candy." Whether it's a commercial for Victoria Secret or a music video from the newest hit song.

Most of you are Media Literate enough to know that those images you see have been airbrushed and fixed to be perfect but that doesn't mean it is not affecting your self-esteem.

And how about YOUR attitudes toward people who are not perfect? If you do a little soul searching, you may find you are what I like to call "quietly critical" about those around you...even your best friends. "Those jeans make her butt look big, I hope my butt looks better than that." Do things like this float around in your head? Of course they do. The media has TRAINED you to do that.

When I think about how the media has trained us to look at OTHER people and "make fun" in our heads I have to think of GIBBY on iCarly. The poor kid's claim to fame is when he takes his shirt off and his "healthy sized" belly jiggles. Sure, he is an actor - he is acting. But with the "laugh reel" playing every time he does it, it is actually TRAINING YOU to think someone who is overweight is a TARGET for your GIGGLES.

This week's journaling exercise is for you to pay attention to what the media is telling you through ads, tv shows, magazine covers, etc. and write about it...

What examples did you see? What shows/magazines/commercials?
How did it make you feel when you saw it and realized how it was re-TRAINING your brain?
How will you handle this now that you are aware?
Will you share this idea of Media Literacy with your friends?

Feel free to save and print the following journal page to use for this exercise. Start a binder and join us each week for Journal Exercise Friday.

Happy Journaling!

In the News... Abercrombie & Fitch's big OOPS

2011-03-30T05:49:00.000-07:00

Who gets to decide how fast you grow up?
Who gets to decide how you feel about yourself?
Who gets to decide what measures your worth?

YOU!

Don't ever forget that! Don't fall into the MEDIA traps that make money for large corporations at the expense of your youth.
Abercrombie & Fitch did just that this week - see video at the end of this post.

Over the next week or so we will be discussing MEDIA LITERACY and how as teens you must take your values and self-expectations into your own hands and throw out a "talk to the hand" at the media when they try and talk you into growing up too fast, when they try to get you to compare yourself to the airbrushed images on the screen, when they use comedy in the shows you like to change the way you feel about the things that make you different from other girls your age.

So, here is where you have the POWER to make a stand. This week Abercrombie & Fitch decided FOR YOU that girls as young as 7 or 8 should feel inadequate unless they are wearing a padded top to their bikini. Are you going to let them decide this for your? For your younger sisters?

So, I want every young girl who reads this to leave a comment, but I want you to leave it TO Abercrombie & Fitch. In the spirit of the Butterfly Girlz who are mature, thoughtful and caring, I want you to leave your well-thought out comment on how it makes you feel when the media pulls one of these indecent moves.

Then I want you to facebook, tweet, email and pass this along to every friend you have that you know would be upset and offended by this. Invite them to come to this post and leave a comment.

You have the power to have YOUR VOICE heard and I want to help you do that. You always have the right to SPEAK UP. You always have the right to SAY NO.

You can leave anonymous comments and leave your first name and age.

Take this on, girls! Be proactive! Don't let the media tell YOU what is acceptable. Stand up!

We will miss you Danielle...

2011-03-29T06:35:00.000-07:00

The Butterfly Girlz are mourning the loss of one of their own.

Danielle DeLarso, 17 earned her angel wings Satuday morning after a 10 month battle with Clear Cell Sarcoma.

Danielle was an amazing athlete, playing on ALL STAR teams and getting recruiting letters from colleges when she came down with what doctors thought was a case of pneumonia. When the symptoms did not go away with antibiotics they did further testing and found a mass in her chest and even after chemotherapy the cancer spread.

The DeLarso family is currently in need of financial help to cover the mountains of medical bills incurred over the last year. Please go to THIS LINK and see the secure fundraising widget in the sidebar.

To read more about Danielle and her journey, visit THIS POST on my other blog.

Danielle's life mirrored a TRUE Butterfly Girl. She was someone who LIVED the character traits we strive for - Courage, Integrity, Assertiveness, Confidence and Restraint.

The following comments were made by students from Danielle's school and are a testimony to the lives she touched:

"The Pequea Valley class of 2012 will not be the same without Danielle. She has been an inspiration to me personally with her grace, dignity and selflessness. She will be in all of our thoughts as we walk the halls of PV. God bless you Danielle, we are all sad but glad that you are at peace and in a place where we all wish to end up."

"Danielle is was a student at my school. She was beautiful, talented, and selfless. Not many would have lasted as long as she did. The night sky will shine brighter now thanks to Danielle. We love you!"

"This girl is a fighter I go to her school I'm in her brothers class this past Saturday danielle passed away. She is a amazing girl and I wear her braclet with pride knowing that she will always be near."

"Danielle was an amazing girl and has changed our school forever. Today in her memory we all wore red it was really touching and just goes to show how wonderful she was and how much she had meant to us. I still can't believe she is gone and I hope and pray her family can get through this hard time. Pequea Valley will never be the same and she will be greatly missed."

Monday in the Media... REVOLVE Tour for Teen Girls

2011-03-28T05:46:00.000-07:00

Well girls, here is your chance to be celebrated and your chance to learn how to be your BEST self. The self God created you to be. Whether you have never stepped foot into a church or you get every week, the inspiration that is opened to you on this Tour will be something that affects the rest of your life.

Check out the details of WHERE and WHEN at THIS LINK.

Watch the video: