COURAGE: it's Journal Exercise Friday

Yesterday's post was a short "get ya going" kind of discussion on preparing yourself for situations where you will need courage. Read about it HERE.

You know that there will be situations, at least weekly and sometimes daily that will call for you to do the right thing. But doing the right thing isn't always so easy, is it? Just like any other situation you have to prepare for, you need to practice your response so it comes naturally. You want it to become second-nature.

Yesterday I talked about SMALL STEPS, how to start nurturing your COURAGE without even needing to utter a word. Walking away from a situation you don't agree with is a great first step. And simple!

LARGE LEAPS are the next things that you will work up to. This is where you will start putting your feelings into words and sharing how you feel verbally. This is difficult to do so what makes it easier? Practice. Practice. Practice. Does that mean you have to be in the same awful situation 100 times before you get it right? Nope. It means you become a really good script writer. What? Yes, script writing!

This is one of my favorite things I teach girls to do. If you think you can't take anymore drama, but you only think of the perfect thing to say AFTER the drama is over, or you flip out and then spend the next two weeks mending the wounds you created with your temper then you are a perfect candidate for a script!

You know the typical situations that require a response that you are never prepared to give. Maybe it's an annoying person at school that uses you as the brunt of their jokes or gossip. Maybe it's a boy who pressures you in ways you feel are unacceptable. Each of you will have different scenarios so there is no ONE script I can give you to solve your problem. This is part of courage, where you step up and script your life.

A couple weeks ago I was talking to a girl who was having a situation come up with boys at school who were mocking her  and making her feel stupid in front of other people. She felt this situation was happening because she is a peacemaker - she is someone, like me, who HATES confrontation, HATES to have arguments, HATES drama. She was an easy target because she would never 'come back' with anything - she would ignore their words but soon be in private in tears with embarrassment.

She said that when this was happening she always wished she had the perfect thing to say when people do that so she would come out on top. She would stand up for herself and in her own way. Not out of anger, not through tears, but in that moment that is just too difficult to comprise that kind of response. The natural response would be to flip out and end up becoming more of a target.

So, we wrote a script. Something that got her feelings across simply and respectfully (because no matter how badly someone disrespects you, it is never a good idea to play that same card in your response) and most importantly to her, calmly and without need for drama.

"You know, when you feel the need to belittle someone and make them feel stupid, it shows that you are weak and have to make someone else look as little as you feel. I feel bad for you. You should talk to someone about that."

This is a TRUTH, it is RESPECTFUL and it was in the CALM STYLE that is her personality.

Now what? Does she write it on her arm everyday  in preparation for the next time he picks on her?

What does an actor do when the producer mails her the script? She practices. She learns her lines.

I told this sweet girl I was scripting with to practice this in the shower, while driving to school, before she goes to sleep. Out loud. You need to physically SAY these words, you need to HEAR yourself saying them. The more your let your brain and your mouth OWN your scripted responses, the EASIER it will be to say it to that person that needs to hear it.

This is such a fun EMPOWERING exercise!!! Now it's your turn.

Below is a journal page from the book - print it out and start journalling your scripts - you may have many or just one. But write it out. It doesn't need to be long. Simple and to the point is always better.

Fridays are going to be Journal Exercise Days, so get a folder, designate it as your Butterfly Girlz journal and print out the journal pages. Do the exercise. And as ALWAYS, share what you are thinking, how the exercises worked for you (or DIDN'T work) - I LOVE FEEDBACK!

COURAGE: a struggle for teen girls

Butterfly Name: Courage

“My parents keep asking me how school was. It’s like saying, ‘How was that drive by shooting?’ You don’t care how it was…you’re lucky to get out alive.”

 ~Angela Chase from the 1994 TV hit show, My So Called Life

If you ask any adult if they would go back to middle or high school they would, without a doubt, say no. But if you offered them $1,000,000… most of them would still say no. Why? Courage. If you collected all the courage in a typical high school hallway it just might fill a tube of toothpaste. As an adult, going back to school would mean handing over the courage it took twenty plus years to harvest. But if those adults had been given the tools to nurture their courage while still in middle school, they might not have that same reaction. They may have pleasant memories and jump at the chance to go back.

The reason we struggle with courage is our sheer terror or failure. In middle and high school everyone is watching. Everyone is judging. Everyone has something to say about everything.

Let’s say I told you that there was a new state regulation that would require all high school graduates to lift 100 pounds of dead weight on your graduation day. Yes. There will be a barbell on stage. When your name is called you will approach the stage, lift the weight and then be awarded your diploma. If you cannot lift the weight, you do not get your diploma and therefore you also forfeit any awards and scholarships.

Unless you were just hours from graduation, you would probably start planning how you would meet this requirement. You might talk to a coach to get some insight about the best course of action. Maybe you would persuade your parents to purchase a family membership to a local gym where you could train to meet this goal.

There are a few of you who may see this as an insurmountable goal and do nothing. Maybe you will bank on the fact that the state may change the guidelines in the next few years and this 100 pound regulation may not pertain to you on your own graduation day. But if the regulation sticks, those of you who choose to ignore the new requirement will not be receiving your diploma. How do you think you will feel on that day? Will you regret the years you could have been preparing? Will you wish you would have worked your muscles to the point on success?

Working on your courage is a similar situation. Although in life we don’t know what challenges our life will bring. There is no federal standard for our lives that must publish all upcoming requirements and challenges like the federal education boards. So, sometimes in life things pop up and we have no time to prepare.

It takes practice to have courage - you need the right tools to sharpen and you need to always have those tools with you.

When I asked The Butterfly Girlz Advisory Team what character trait they struggled with the most, courage was the most repeated concern.

Lauren describes her struggles, “Courage. Doing something that is outside of my comfort zone is not what I usually go for.... but I’m learning that sometimes those are the best things for me!”

Lauren is exactly right. Just like lifting weights to prepare for that 100 pound dead lift, stepping outside your comfort zone is a good practice tactic for when things get really tough and courage is your best tool.

And like training to lift weights, you have to start small. You can’t just walk into the gym and lift 100 pounds without any training. So, why do we beat ourselves up when we don’t stand up for someone when we should have? We can’t know how to be courageous without training first. Just like lifting weights, you start small. Five pound weights for a couple weeks, then ten pounders, then fifteen and so on.

When nurturing your courage butterfly you want to start with small steps, then move to medium mounts, then to large leaps.

A small step could simply be leaving the lunch table when someone starts talking smack about the “friend” that just left to go to the bathroom. You could simply refrain from laughing at the latest gossip about the not-so-popular girl who just walked by. You could offer a positive comment to the class “nerd” when her project comes back with a blue ribbon.

Breaking a big hurdle down into smaller parts is always the best way to prove to yourself that there is nothing too big for you.

Tomorrow I will discuss MEDIUM MOUNTS and LARGE LEAPS, what that looks like and how you can get there.

 

9 year old girl shows the COURAGE of a giant

The Butterfly Girlz have been discussing COURAGE this week ...

I think we all hope that in a dangerous situation we would do the right thing, step up to the plate, put ourselves in harm's way to save someone, be the hero. Not that we would do it for the "hero" lable but that we would simply, by an innate inner force, be the life-saver because our soul said so.

For Anaiah Rucker, 9, it happened just like that last week. It was a normal school day. Her mom watched from the porch as she and her 5 year old sister, Camry, walked to the bus stop. It was a rainy morning and the girls stepped into the road to cross before the bus arrived.

That's when Anaiah looked up and saw a truck headed right for them. Without a though, she pushed Camry out of the way and took the almost fatal blow by the truck. The girls' mom ran to her daughter's side and she wasn't breathing. The bus pulled onto the scene and the busdriver that was not planning on saving a life that day, helped Anaiah's mom administer CPR that eventually brought Anaiah back.

Anaiah suffered a broken neck,two broken legs and lost a kidney and her spleen. Due to lack of blood flow one of her legs needed to be amputated.

When asked why she put her life on the line she said, "I thought she was too young. She's my sister. I love her."

Now THERE is some courage.

When life says, "Get back on board..." Bethany Hamilton

Being a teen certainly isn't a cinch. It's hard. I think you will all agree.

The Butterfly Girlz Advisory Team has been discussing character traits this week and most of the girls agree that one of the traits they struggle with the most is COURAGE. I think it is safe to say this is a common struggle for most teen girls. There are many forces working against girls that without a strong sense of inner strength, they cave to peer pressure.

I think we all agree that having a butterfly named COURAGE in our net would be beneficial when you need to push away a boy who has stepped across the line or confront the mean girl who us all up in your business at the lunch table.

Girls, you HAVE all the butterflies you need but just like a pet they need to be nurtured. A dog does just know how to sit, fetch or roll over - you strengthen your dog's motivation through training. Your dog senses your satisfaction through your snuggles and praise when he brings the ball back each time. This is how you nurture your butterflies.

Through practice you will get better and better at each character trait in your butterfly net. You will also find yourself inspired by the feeling you get when we use that trait you have nurtured. When you stand up to someone who is hurting you, you get a sense of accomplishment. I urge girls to hold onto that feeling, make it a permanent part of your memory. Relive that moment over and over and over until it becomes part of you. That moment becomes your reward when a similar situation arise. Because when you respond appropriately the next time, that feeling will come again. And again.

Sometimes throughout your teens you will be bombarded with so many different situations that need a BIG response. You might not feel strong enough to handle ALL of them coming at you at once. But burrowing under the covers and giving up, turning to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain, or selling out and becoming one of those people you once tried NOT to be like is never the answer.

Grabbing life by the horns and GETTING BACK ON BOARD is the answer.

I am thrilled to introduce you to Bethany Hamilton, teenage surfing prodigy.

Talk about COURAGE... how about "getting back on..." a surf board after a vicious shark attack that cost you your arm... at 13 years old.

Ladies, please take a moment and meet Bethany (8 years after her accident) as she talks about having the COURAGE to love who she is no matter what her outside looks like.