Spill it! ... It's Journal Entry Friday!

We had a great conversation over on "the gathering" yesterday concerning what girls do to each other. So, it would make sense that today we journal on the same subject.

If you did not read the post from yesterday, please go check it out - it will make you think and you will get more out of the journaling you do today.

This assignment will be simple in explanation but could take you all day... a couple of days... the rest of the summer to complete - depending on how you choose to digest it.

First, I want you to find a quiet place with your journal. I want you to get comfortable, close your eyes and clear your mind. Now, I want you to run through the girls who influence your life... friends, not-so-much-friends, acquaintances, teammates, siblings, etc. Just let their faces run through your mind like you are flipping through a photo book...

Second, I want you to jot down the names of the girls who showed up in your mind's photo book first... let's say you make a list of 10 to start... you can add names as you go along, but let's start with 10.

Third, look over the names you jotted down and choose the one that pops off the page first. Maybe this name pops off the page because she is your most loyal friend or maybe one of those names jumps out at you because of what you are going through with that girl. Take that name and start a new page by writing her name at the top.

Fourth, SPILL IT! Start writing EVERYTHING that is in your mind and your heart right this minute as you focus on the mental picture of your relationship with this girl. Just write. Don't stop. Don't edit. This is NOT for her... this is for YOU... ONLY! When you are finished, cross that person's name off the list.

Fifth, move onto the next name that pops off the page. Repeat Step 4.

This will be quite emotional for some of those names on your list. You may need a break after just a couple names. Some of you may need a break after the first one. But I urge you to finish. Don't stop before you have done this exercise for each name on the list - and, yes, your list may grow as you work through each name.

Why take the time to do this?

It is easy to stuff your emotions. When we stuff our emotions we ACT OUT in ways we wouldn't normally out of frustration over emotions we have not dealt with. We can become the MEAN GIRL simply because we have pent up frustration over something trivial and we will never know WHY we "turned" on the girl we once labeled as BFF seemingly without provocation. You deserve to know. SHE deserves to know.

It is also a good idea to get in touch with those deep feelings you have toward your TRUE friends. Those girls who you consider your non-biological sisters are part of who you are and knowing your deepest feelings about them helps to strengthen your relationship.

Some of what you write you may deem worthy of sharing with some of the girls on your list. Of course, this is when you edit and re-write. I hope you will choose to share these words with those girls in a face-to-face manner... even if you keep your letter with you as a cheat sheet. If she is worth your time to write all you did, she is worth hearing your voice affirm your friendship!

Some of what you write you may choose to destroy as a way of letting go of the frustration that person has caused you. Letting go of these feelings is a way to truly let go of a friendship that is toxic. You can tear, burn, flush these letters and vow to yourself to not look back... let it go for REAL.

This is an exercise that will make you grow, help you deal and bless you beyond anything you could imagine. Suggest this exercise to some of those friends you will be writing to... you may be pleasantly surprised as to what comes your way after they finish their list.

A word of CAUTION: DO NOT share your writing with anyone (or anywhere... no facebook, formspring, texts, etc) other than the person it was written for. Your integrity in this assignment is crucial. If you wouldn't want someone sharing their deepest personal feelings about you with others, then don't do it to someone else.

Save and print the journal page below if you need to:

Comments are always welcome!

Girl POWER... it's Journal Entry Friday (early)

Yesterday at our JUST THE WAY SHE IS event our discussion turned in a direction that I think warranted the good long chat we ended up having. I thought since I didn't post yesterday (because my house was filled with 30-some amazing young ladies) I would post the revelation we had. Then I thought this would be a great journal exercise - but I was so pumped about it, I didn't want to wait until tomorrow to post it - I wanted to give it to you now...today. So, it's Journal Entry Thursday...

There is a thing I like to call GIRL POWER! It's a real thing. It's a phenomenon that is not seen too often these days. It is something worth bringing back. It is the mentality that as women, we are all in this thing called life TOGETHER - not pitted against one another. It is the notion that we are all sisters and should be building each other up, not tearing each other apart.

Yesterday, I said this, "Together as a sisterhood of girls we can lift each other up and bring out each other's inner strengths and beauty." After I said it, I immediately felt the need to elaborate because the whole day was about what the media feeds us and how much of it is LIES.

Mean girls are promoted on TV as strong. They are always the popular girls. The head cheerleader who is dating the quarterback. She is the one all her cronies strive to be like.

It is easy to decide you like the POWER that comes along with making someone feel bad. Some personalities find this kind of power addicting. It only takes one time to crush someone with your words. And for some girls, whether you like to admit it or not, it feels good. The automatically feel bigger and better. Before they know it, they are just what the media created them to be.

The sad part is, they have been deceived. There is NO power in acting like this.

True GIRL POWER is working together as a sisterhood of girls by lifting each other up and bring out each other's inner strengths and beauty.

 

This is how we strengthen our wings so we can fly!

The most painful thing for me to see is the attack mode some girls jump into as soon as they feel they have been wronged. Suddenly the girl you divulged your deepest secrets to has now decided that something you did warrants her gathering some other girls from your circle, telling them HER side of the story and creating an opposing team. Girls! This is NOT how it works! These actions show your immaturity, NOT your strength. These actions have ramifications you are NOT ready for. These actions turn you into a MEAN GIRL! Is that the label you want?

One of my favorite quotes is, "Be the friend you would want to have!"

It's HARDER to stick it out with a friend through the tough times. It's HARDER to say, "I was wrong and I am sorry."

There's no POWER in being mean. Anyone can be a MEAN GIRL! It doesn't take much. A bad attitude and a gutter mouth.

But there is STRENGTH in being a SISTER!

This week's journal exercise is for you to decide if you are a MEAN GIRL or a TRUE SISTER?

Pretend you are one of your friends... and write a letter to YOU from HER shoes about the kind of friend you are. What this letter is lacking will be your clues as to the character traits you need to work on.

ALONE time...

We have all seen the "typical" teen portrayed in movies as the girl who storms to her room, pulls the shades, blares her music, locks her door and only comes out when she's so hungry she could eat her own arm.

We have all felt that way.

We have all wanted to be left alone.

We have all just wanted to hide from the world.

We have all just needed a break.

SOMETIMES.

But sometimes this can be taken too far and that's when it's no longer healthy to take a "break."

A break is something that lasts for a short time. Think about it, when you are at work and your boss says you can take your break. Or when you have spent the entire day cleaning for your mom and you ask if you can take a break... do you mean for a couple years? LOL! I know what you are thinking - you would like to take a break from cleaning for a couple years, right?! Sure you would, we all would.

The point I am making is that sometimes that break we need becomes a habit that alienates us from the world that helps us navigate WHO WE ARE. Taking a break that lasts beyond the norm can actually hurt you instead of help you. You can lose yourself in that break and you will eventually lose the ability to reconnect with the world you once knew. And then you become LOST and that's a scary place to be.

When you are lost like this, you can't even find yourself... this is a downward spiral that suffocates hundreds of thousands of teens each year. Cutting, depression and suicide feel like the only way out. Do you want those to be your only options? Don't you want more options for your life? I do. I want that for you, too.

The hardest thing to do when we are going through a difficult time is to reach out. When your life truly HURTS, the last thing you want to do is share that with someone. It doesn't feel good. What will people think? Will they judge me? What if they think I'm a freak?

But sometimes the hardest thing to do is the thing that will make you stronger. When you feel like crawling into a hole and barricading the world outside your door, picture your life next year... what will hiding under the covers get you?

But now picture your life if you flung that door open and screamed, "HERE I AM WORLD!" Now, I know your neighbors would think you had lost your mind if you did that! LOL! But what is the hardest is sometimes the BEST thing for us. Think about Olympic athletes. Do you think their training is easy? Do you think their bodies don't ache with a pain you and I have never felt? Do you think they WANT to hurt? Probably not. But how badly do you think they want that GOLD MEDAL? More than anything in this world?

Well, I think I can assume that what you want more than anything else right now is to feel a part of something. You want to feel loved. You want to be included. You want to have someone to call when something goes wrong.

Do you have this? Some of you don't. Some of you are thinking, "Locking myself in my room to be alone is no different that walking into the hallway of my school - I am alone both ways!"

I would never downplay the difficulties most teens have making and keeping friends. It's not easy. Sometimes it's the fault of the friend when things go south and sometimes it's not their fault...either way much of the drama is out of our control. We can't flip the switch on a bully so she stops being mean. We can't mute the girl who starts all the rumors. Sometimes being alone seems safer. I get it. I may be an adult now, but realistically, you know I was a teen once, too. Yes, the 80's were a different time and I didn't have social media and school shootings to worry about but what was bad for me and my friends then was just as real as what is bad for you today.

It isn't easy to reach out. I know. But this is YOUR LIFE we are talking about. You only get ONE.

So, make a plan. Look for people LIKE you. Maybe you have an interest or passion. Joining a club or interest group can be the easiest way to find others who will "get" you. Take a class after school or join a service group. Volunteer within an organization that tugs on your heart strings. Whether it is an animal shelter, an after school art club, or a day care center... something that puts that sparkle in your eye will surely have you glowing when you are doing it with OTHERS who have the same passion.

Now, some of you have come upon this post a little too late and have kept yourself away from people for long enough that you don't even know where to begin...

I have created "the gathering" for just this reason - "the gathering" is a CLOSED and PRIVATE facebook page where ALL GIRLS, especially girls who feel alone can reach out to other girls who can help support them. You can ask questions on the wall and you will almost instantly get responses from teen girls from across the country. You can also message me privately and we can talk confidentially about anything that is hurting and/or confusing you.

I hope you will click the link and request to join...

Post your comments and questions - I have a feeling this will be a good one to talk about!



Cleaning up Life's Little Messes... it's Journal Entry Friday!

(No, this is not my house!)

There is nothing more frustrating than the messes that crop up just when everything is running smoothly, right? You are out of school for summer... sleeping in every morning, no more homework, no more tests and WHAM someone hits you broadside with a nasty rumor they heard about you!

Summer vacation is supposed to be trouble-free, right? At least that's what we tell ourselves when we are falling asleep during our math final. As we nod off while trying to find what "x" is, we dream of sandy beaches, pool parties, summer romances, girly sleepovers and .... never do we leave room in that dream for drama!

So, whether it is a family struggle, a health issue, a pending move or just plain GIRL DRAMA you feel like you are boxed in with no where to go. No out. Not big red flashing EXIT sign. And you're sinking fast.

So, what do you do with the mess?

I found it coincidental that the picture I found to illustrate the idea of a "mess" had a bottle of RESOLVE sitting in the foreground.

re·solve  [ri-zolv] –noun

1. a resolution or determination made, as to follow some course of action.

So, a plan.... you need a plan.

Now, I am SO not an organized person but my husband is... when my life seems like it is going in 1,000,000 different directions, like today, he reminds me to make a plan. If I lay out my day on a piece of paper in an orderly way- it makes it much easier to deal with...

• places I need to go
• things I need to buy
• what I need to clean/straighten in the house
• what is coming tomorrow that I need to be prepared for

Now, you are thinking, "Well, it would be nice if my life's mess was like my room and I could sweep "the mess" under the bed and call it done."

But what I am suggesting is that you lay out your "mess" on paper in a sensible way:

• people I need to confront
• situations I need to handle
• friends I need to apologize to
• things I need to confess to someone
• issues I need to talk over with someone
• help I need to seek out

Now, you may end up with a huge graphic that looks like a spiderweb on crack - but it's all there and now you have a plan. Won't it feel good when you can cross some of those things off?

Now, when you make this list on the journal page I am providing below (just click on it, save and print) make sure you are NOT including things on the list that are not in your control. Keep your list focused on the difference YOU can make in your own "mess." Don't add to your list things that your friends are dealing with, "Help Becca get a boyfriend" should not be on your list - be SELFISH with this list.

Start cleaning up your OWN mess. You will find that as you create this list, a weight will soon be lifted. It will look like a map of how to get out of your "mess."

Good luck!
Leave a comment if you have questions about how to make your list.

Friendship Pie - it's Journal Entry Friday

Over on "the gathering" we have been talking a lot about what makes a good friend. We have been discussing what qualities and characteristics will create a lasting friendship.

Some of the following were listed as qualities we should be looking for:

• good sense of humor
• kindness
• sincerity
• caring
• trustworthy
• likes you for you

These are really great qualities that our friendships would all benefit from.

Think about your BFF...

• what qualities does she have that makes her your BFF?
• what qualities do you wish she had that would make your relationship even better?

I have to say, much of what we talk about over on "the gathering" is rooted in girl drama...

• girl dates her BFFs ex
• girl tells BFFs secret
• girl talks badly about BFF when she's not around

All of these things are NOT acceptable in a TRUE BFF relationship. BUT.... and this is a big but (LOL)... you are all still learning what INTEGRITY is. Do you know what that word means?

INTEGRITY is a concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations, and outcomes. In ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one's actions.

Basically this means you act and react in the same way to the same situations no matter WHO you are with. So, if you have a problem with something someone is doing, you talk about it in the same way whether she is standing right there or NOT. Wouldn't it be nice to have THAT in your relationship? Do you see how trust is built easily with someone who has unfailing integrity?

Alright, today for your journal exercise, you will be splitting the pie chart above into your PERFECT recipe for a best friend. Print it out and then divide it accordingly. If 'being trustworthy' is a BIG part of what you want, then draw that slice bigger than the rest and label it. If 'sense of humor' is important but not as big as 'being trustworthy' then draw that slice accordingly and label it.

Then ~ after you have completed this exercise, AND NOT BEFORE, scroll down to the bottom of this post for PART 2.

Don't PEEK!
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Take a close look at your completed pie...
and then...

BE the FRIEND you want to HAVE!

<3
Let this RECIPE be your guide to finding the best BFF, but let it ALSO show you the kind of friend to BE!

GIRLS, we have to stick together...

I talk to so many girls each week who are being mistreated by their GIRLFRIENDS!

There is no doubt in my mind that your teen years will be some of the hardest years of your life. But if you can't depend on your girlfriends, who can you turn to when life gets rough?

You owe it to each other to have some guidelines and boundaries for your friendship! It can be a lifelong pact! TRUE friends can stand the test of times, but it is a WORKING relationship that sometimes has to be tweaked to suit the times.

Here are 10 rules for how to be secure in your GIRLFRIENDSHIPS!

1. Support each other - be her biggest cheerleader!
2. Tell her how you feel - in ALL WAYS!
3. NEVER tell her secrets - unless he life depends on it!
4. Help her to stay safe in her thoughts and actions but give her room to be an individual!
5. When she asks for your advice, give her YOUR advice, not what you think she wants to hear.
6. Be there...ALWAYS!
7. Don't choose your BOYFRIEND over your BEST FRIEND!
8. Don't talk about her behind her back. If you have something to say, say it to HER!
9. NEVER EVER date your BFFs ex! EVER!
10. ABOVE ALL ELSE, LOVE HER TIL IT HURTS!

Your girl friends are your lifeline!

If you have a friend that needs this list, pass it along.

Never let anyone disrespect you verbally, physically or through gossip. If your BFF is doing any of these hurtful things, it is time to redefine what you are looking for in a friend and it is time to reset your boundaries.

Boundaries aren't only for boyfriends!

If YOU were in the DICTIONARY... it's Journal Entry Friday!

Yesterday I posed the question,
"If YOU were in a dictionary, what would you WANT your definition to be?"

Jay McGraw (Dr. Phil's son) says, "You have to name it, before you can claim it." You can't go through life not knowing what you stand for. There's a famous quote that says, "If you don't know what you stand for, you will fall for anything."

I have talked to so many girls over the years who tell me about a boy taking advantage of them physically. They tell me the boy just kept saying, "Shhh, it's ok." They tell me they just weren't comfortable saying, "No!" In all cases these girls feel like something has been stolen from them. There is no doubt in their minds that those boys were wrong in what they did. They don't doubt that giving themselves (even parts of themselves) away was a mistake they will deal with for the rest of their lives. So, why did they let it happen?

I believe these things happen because we don't lay down CONCRETE boundaries in our lives. Girls as young as 2 and 3 are taught about inappropriate touching and what to do if it happens. But when you girls grow up, you get to a point in your lives where your mom can't determine your boundaries anymore. You need to OWN your decisions about what DEFINES you. YOU have this responsibility but all too often no one tells you that. Then you get into a situation with a boy or a mean girl pressuring you to do something you believe to be wrong and because you don't STAND for anything you FALL for their lies.

I am going to tell you a story from when I was 19.

I spent my high school years being the "goody two shoes." Some people made fun of me but mostly it was the girls who weren't as virtuous as I was and I just read into it that they were jealous that I was strong enough to say "no" to many things I was confronted with. I wasn't an outcast, I was a cheerleader, I dated the star basketball player on and off for 3 years. I was active in clubs and activities in school, I was in the Show Choir (which wasn't as drama-filled as GLEE!) So it wasn't my lack of popularity that made me a target, it was simply my choices and how OTHER people felt about them....as if I was wearing shirts that said, "I am better than you because I don't.... or .... or...."

When I went to college, I dated a boy that was my first experience with a "bad boy" so these boundaries I had set for myself were truly tested. I hadn't had anyone ask me, "What DEFINES you?" or "What are your personal concrete boundaries?" I was TOLD by my mom what the answers to those questions were. But, being in this not-so-healthy relationship helped me make those answers MY OWN.

One day I realized that when you have DEFINED BOUNDARIES, people can just sense it. When your boundaries are obvious by what you say, do and how you act...you don't deal with alot of what other girls your age do when it comes to peer pressure.

My boyfriend and I were at a party at his friend Rob's house. Unbeknownst to me, Rob was the biggest pig on the planet. At one point in the party a couple girls I didn't know came up to me and said, "We aren't sure what is going on but ever since you got here, Rob has been on his best behavior." I had no idea what they were talking about, I had never met the kid before so I had nothing to compare it to. On the way home that night, my boyfriend said, "Ya know, Rob really respects you. He didn't swear once or tell a dirty joke or be a pig once. It's like he KNEW you were a 'good girl'. I didn't think Rob had a decent bone in his body."

It was then that I realized that living my life the way I did, was SHOWING people what I would and would not accept from them. I didn't have to have a toe-to-toe confrontation with Rob to tell him my feelings about his foul mouth...he just behaved himself b/c it's what I EXPECTED. It was my DEFINITION.

"If YOU were in a dictionary, what would you WANT your definition to be?"

Now, I will tell you that staying together with this 'bad boy' led me down some roads where I stepped across my own boundaries enough times that what I had worked to build for those 19 years, fell and I had to rebuild portions of it again. So, I can see this situation from more that one side. I know what it's like to fall. But I know how much easier it is to get up if you BELIEVE in your own DEFINITION!

Use the following journal page to hash out your own PERSONAL DEFINITION. What will you demand from those around you? Respect, appropriate behaviors, drug-free friends, no bullying, no foul jokes, etc.....

Write your name as the word being DEFINED, then follow it with the definition...."a person who expects ........... a person who doesn't......... a person who won't tolerate............ a person who will always...................." Add more if you like.