Bullying!... it's Journal Entry Friday!

THE GOAL OF A BULLY IS TO BREAK YOU!
...to break your spirit
...to shatter your self-confidence.
...to break the image in your mind of who you are.
...to chip away at the strength you have to one day be the best YOU you can be.
...to overpower you to make themselves feel better.
...to pull you down so low that they will be above you.

But the truth of the matter is - bullies are the lowest on humanity's totem pole
Their bellies touch the ground.
You can't get lower than  that.

ALWAYS WALK AWAY!
No matter what they will say about you after you leave.
You know who you are.
You know you have what is missing from their lives.
You know by walking away you are stronger than they will ever be.

Pray for their pain to cease so they can see the beauty the hate keeps them from finding.

Write a letter to a bully who has targeted you.
He/she will never see this letter.
But your words will bless you and take the edge off the pain they have caused.

Tell them why their hate won't scathe you anymore...
Explain to them what your life has that makes it easy to walk away from them...

Write a letter to yourself and praise the beautiful young woman you are!
Give yourself compliments you may never have heard.
Highlight the things that bring beauty into your life.
Celebrate that beauty!

I know many of you are hurting everyday b/c of the words or actions by another teen. I know it hurts.

But just remember:

"The days will come when you don't have the strength

When all you hear is you're not worth anything

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
You're beautiful You're beautiful

You are made so much more than all of this..."
~MercyMe

Here's your journal page:

I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU AND I KNOW YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

TOXIC PEOPLE, TOXIC SITUATIONS... it's Journal Entry Friday

Toxic - acting as or having the effect of a poison; poisonous, harmful or deadly, likely to cause significant loss to the holder

So, read that definition and be honest with yourself. Today we will start identifying the things in your life that are TOXIC!

It could be a friendship, an acquaintance, a website, a job, one of your classmates, a boyfriend, a family member, something you are doing to your body, the thoughts in your mind or ARE YOU being toxic to someone else?

One of our older girls on A Girl's Gathering shared how she dealt with her TOXIC situation just last night...

"Girls today took a lot of strength for me to do but I did it, today I quit my job! I am ready to move on to the next chapter of my life and that drama filled place is not where it's at!"

All of the comments she received were supportive virtual high fives! We all knew she did the right thing! But how many of us would have been strong enough to pull away from something like she did?

Sometimes that toxic situation is our closest friend, a family member or the boy we have been dating for a long time. Don't fool yourself into believing that if it would be difficult to walk away, then it's not TOXIC. Many girls fall into this trap, especially with boys! We think that if it's going to hurt, then it must be the wrong choice when, in fact, sometimes the BEST decisions HURT THE MOST!

You know what relationships are like poison in your life. What relationship or situation just seems to suck the life out of you? Who are you with when you feel at your lowest? In what situation do you find yourself doing things that are far from who people believe you to be?

It's time to start doing some soul searching...

Make a list of situations where you made some (or thought about it) bad choices...

Jot down the thoughts you are entertaining that seem ok until you imagine yourself admitting them out loud...

Then make a plan for how you will walk away! It could just save your life.

If you don't have anyone to talk to about this, come join the conversation on A Girl's Gathering or email me privately at mybutterflygirlz@yahoo.com

Use the journal page below to take this first step to save yourself from the drama of toxic relationships and situations!

THINK before you ACT... it's Journal Entry Friday!

Have you ever acted on impulse and then had to live with regret? Sometimes it's a small mistake and sometimes it is life-changing. When I was in high school, my friends and I regularly talked about how awesome it would be if we could have ONE REWIND for every perplexing scenario.

So, you hear that the boy you like might be asking someone else to Prom. So, if we had this ONE REWIND, we could ask him to Prom before he asks the other girl and if the result is mortifying, we could REWIND, not ask him and move on.

Or, if you were considering sacrificing one of the personal boundaries you had set for yourself you could cross that line, see what the result was and REWIND if it proved itself to be a boundary that shouldn't be crossed.

OK, WAKE UP! No more daydreaming.

Life isn't like that - we learn by trial and error. If it doesn't work, don't do it again.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." ~Albert Einstein

But what about the FIRST time we are faced with those situations or scenarios? How do you decide what the right choice is? Is it even POSSIBLE to know what the right decision is?

I can promise you that if you sit down and write out what your PERSONAL BOUNDARIES are and you LIVE THOSE BOUNDARIES - those "what if" scenarios won't seem so daunting. The RIGHT choice will just stand right out.

Jenna chose to cross a boundary she thought she had securely set:

"It's not like one day you decide to get pregnant. It's a series of compromises, small decisions that lead to a big consequence; and that moment when you find out you're having a baby, everything changes forever. I got pregnant the first night I had sex. That one night of drinking with my friends changed the course of my life forever...if you don't stay closely connected to God and have a strong accountability in your life, what seems like tiny physical compromises in a relationship can lead to huge regrets."

So, I ask you all the time to think about your boundaries but this time I want you to make those boundaries CONCRETE! But here's the catch... you need to be consistent in those boundaries in THOUGHT, WORD and ACTION. So, your journal entries will look like this:

Boundary ---->
Thought ---->
Word ----->
Action----->

Then you will repeat these 4 things down the page - one set of 4 for each boundary you will set.

Here's an example on GOSSIP:

Boundary ----> No gossiping.
Thought ----> When someone tells me something about someone else, I need to realize it is not FACT unless I hear it directly FROM the person the gossip is about
Word -----> I will not spread gossip or tell info about someone else that is not in that person's best interest
Action-----> I will tell others to STOP when I am privy to gossip and I will speak my mind on how hurtful those words can be to the person who is not even there to stand up for themself or tell their side

Now, it's your turn.

Use the journal page below if you don't have your own journal and start SETTING YOUR BOUNDARIES that will keep you from having REGRET!

COURAGE: it's Journal Exercise Friday

Yesterday's post was a short "get ya going" kind of discussion on preparing yourself for situations where you will need courage. Read about it HERE.

You know that there will be situations, at least weekly and sometimes daily that will call for you to do the right thing. But doing the right thing isn't always so easy, is it? Just like any other situation you have to prepare for, you need to practice your response so it comes naturally. You want it to become second-nature.

Yesterday I talked about SMALL STEPS, how to start nurturing your COURAGE without even needing to utter a word. Walking away from a situation you don't agree with is a great first step. And simple!

LARGE LEAPS are the next things that you will work up to. This is where you will start putting your feelings into words and sharing how you feel verbally. This is difficult to do so what makes it easier? Practice. Practice. Practice. Does that mean you have to be in the same awful situation 100 times before you get it right? Nope. It means you become a really good script writer. What? Yes, script writing!

This is one of my favorite things I teach girls to do. If you think you can't take anymore drama, but you only think of the perfect thing to say AFTER the drama is over, or you flip out and then spend the next two weeks mending the wounds you created with your temper then you are a perfect candidate for a script!

You know the typical situations that require a response that you are never prepared to give. Maybe it's an annoying person at school that uses you as the brunt of their jokes or gossip. Maybe it's a boy who pressures you in ways you feel are unacceptable. Each of you will have different scenarios so there is no ONE script I can give you to solve your problem. This is part of courage, where you step up and script your life.

A couple weeks ago I was talking to a girl who was having a situation come up with boys at school who were mocking her  and making her feel stupid in front of other people. She felt this situation was happening because she is a peacemaker - she is someone, like me, who HATES confrontation, HATES to have arguments, HATES drama. She was an easy target because she would never 'come back' with anything - she would ignore their words but soon be in private in tears with embarrassment.

She said that when this was happening she always wished she had the perfect thing to say when people do that so she would come out on top. She would stand up for herself and in her own way. Not out of anger, not through tears, but in that moment that is just too difficult to comprise that kind of response. The natural response would be to flip out and end up becoming more of a target.

So, we wrote a script. Something that got her feelings across simply and respectfully (because no matter how badly someone disrespects you, it is never a good idea to play that same card in your response) and most importantly to her, calmly and without need for drama.

"You know, when you feel the need to belittle someone and make them feel stupid, it shows that you are weak and have to make someone else look as little as you feel. I feel bad for you. You should talk to someone about that."

This is a TRUTH, it is RESPECTFUL and it was in the CALM STYLE that is her personality.

Now what? Does she write it on her arm everyday  in preparation for the next time he picks on her?

What does an actor do when the producer mails her the script? She practices. She learns her lines.

I told this sweet girl I was scripting with to practice this in the shower, while driving to school, before she goes to sleep. Out loud. You need to physically SAY these words, you need to HEAR yourself saying them. The more your let your brain and your mouth OWN your scripted responses, the EASIER it will be to say it to that person that needs to hear it.

This is such a fun EMPOWERING exercise!!! Now it's your turn.

Below is a journal page from the book - print it out and start journalling your scripts - you may have many or just one. But write it out. It doesn't need to be long. Simple and to the point is always better.

Fridays are going to be Journal Exercise Days, so get a folder, designate it as your Butterfly Girlz journal and print out the journal pages. Do the exercise. And as ALWAYS, share what you are thinking, how the exercises worked for you (or DIDN'T work) - I LOVE FEEDBACK!

What's your SHIRT say?... it's Journal Entry Friday!

So, wouldn't it be cool if we could have our personality strengths on our clothing so people who only notice someone's looks could have a quick peek inside our soul before they started making their judgements?

This shirt is the one I designed and is on cafepress showing what The Butterfly Girlz as a group stand for.

What would your shirt say?

Have you ever thought of the things you stand for? Have you ever wished you KNEW what you stood for? Sometimes if you jot down the things you dislike about humanity, you can turn those around into the things you WANT to stand for.

For example, do you hate when people lie? Then you can stand for TRUTH. Do you have trouble trusting people who cheat? Then you can stand for INTEGRITY. And so on.

This week's journal assignment is for you to DESIGN YOUR OWN SHIRT with what you STAND for! This could be really cool, considering you can upload designs to cafepress and then order your OWN shirt to wear proudly! SOOOOO COOOL!

As always, copy and print the journal page or use your own journal for your sketches, PLEASE leave a link where we can all see your designs!

Now, get ready, get set, DRAW!!!

HAVE FUN!

Soul Surfer and it's Journal Entry Friday!

This movie was incredible! I cried through the whole thing - just so incredibly moved. I think the thing that had me the most choked up was that the story is TRUE. Absolutely TRUE!

SOUL SURFER is the inspiring true story of teen surfer Bethany Hamilton, who lost her arm in a shark attack and courageously overcame all odds to become a champion again, inspiring millions worldwide through the love of her family, her sheer determination, and her unwavering faith in Jesus Christ. The film features an all-star cast, including AnnaSophia Robb and Helen Hunt, with Carrie Underwood in her film debut, and Dennis Quaid. (borrowed from Soul Surfer website)

My favorite line from the movie was after she lost her arm her dad was helping her try to get up on her board again and he was warning her that it wouldn't be easy. She said, "I don't need easy, I need possible."

"I don't need easy, I need possible."

What in your life isn't easy... but is still possible?

Your journal entry assignment is to come up with this list. If at all possible, I would suggest watching the movie JUST before making your list. The trauma and struggles that Bethany Hamilton endured are sure to put your life's drama into perspective.

I want to challenge you to put your list somewhere where you will see it EVERYDAY to keep your mind focused on the fact that what is possible isn't always easy!

What is possible isn't always easy!

I would love if you shared some of your list with us in the comments.

As always, feel free to print out this journal page to complete the assignment.

Be a Songwriter! It's Journal Entry Friday!

Well, Wednesday I posted Demi Lovato's video SKYSCRAPER. I think this song is SO RAW and SO RELEVANT for so many girls today. Demi's life has turned upside down while her fans watch and she has pulled herself up and started to heal with us as her audience.

As I watched the video for the first time all I could think was how HEALING it must have been to literally let it all out on camera. Her face, her voice, her clenched fists all say, "This has n't been easy, but I will survive!"

Think of the worst thing you have ever been through - maybe you are going through it right now - wouldn't it be amazing to let go of all the pain and fill the air around you will words that will help you to heal?

Picture yourself on the set of that video, put YOU in the spotlight instead of Demi and watch the video play out in your mind...(don't let the "I don't have her voice" thought even enter your mind...in this exercise you DO have her voice) the camera has just YOUR face in its gaze, YOU are screaming out YOUR pain, YOUR tears come, YOUR fists are clenched and it's YOUR feet walking on broken glass.... the camera pans back and it is YOU letting go of all the pain and all the turmoil...

Now, I can't promise you a video crew and a multi-million dollar video out of this but writing YOUR song would be amazing, wouldn't it?

So, for your journal entry this week, I want you to model a song after Demi's - use the tune and her lyrics as your guide but change the words into YOUR OWN.

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears
I awaken and untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed
All my windows still are broken but I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

Go run run run I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear yeah
Go run run run yeah it's a long way down
But I'm closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Ohh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

I WOULD LOVE LOVE LOVE to see what you have written if you are comfortable sharing! Please leave it as a comment so others can see your heart - I think you will find this exercise VERY freeing! I am excited to see what your heart tells you!

And, as always, feel free to print and use the journal page provided!

Spill it! ... It's Journal Entry Friday!

We had a great conversation over on "the gathering" yesterday concerning what girls do to each other. So, it would make sense that today we journal on the same subject.

If you did not read the post from yesterday, please go check it out - it will make you think and you will get more out of the journaling you do today.

This assignment will be simple in explanation but could take you all day... a couple of days... the rest of the summer to complete - depending on how you choose to digest it.

First, I want you to find a quiet place with your journal. I want you to get comfortable, close your eyes and clear your mind. Now, I want you to run through the girls who influence your life... friends, not-so-much-friends, acquaintances, teammates, siblings, etc. Just let their faces run through your mind like you are flipping through a photo book...

Second, I want you to jot down the names of the girls who showed up in your mind's photo book first... let's say you make a list of 10 to start... you can add names as you go along, but let's start with 10.

Third, look over the names you jotted down and choose the one that pops off the page first. Maybe this name pops off the page because she is your most loyal friend or maybe one of those names jumps out at you because of what you are going through with that girl. Take that name and start a new page by writing her name at the top.

Fourth, SPILL IT! Start writing EVERYTHING that is in your mind and your heart right this minute as you focus on the mental picture of your relationship with this girl. Just write. Don't stop. Don't edit. This is NOT for her... this is for YOU... ONLY! When you are finished, cross that person's name off the list.

Fifth, move onto the next name that pops off the page. Repeat Step 4.

This will be quite emotional for some of those names on your list. You may need a break after just a couple names. Some of you may need a break after the first one. But I urge you to finish. Don't stop before you have done this exercise for each name on the list - and, yes, your list may grow as you work through each name.

Why take the time to do this?

It is easy to stuff your emotions. When we stuff our emotions we ACT OUT in ways we wouldn't normally out of frustration over emotions we have not dealt with. We can become the MEAN GIRL simply because we have pent up frustration over something trivial and we will never know WHY we "turned" on the girl we once labeled as BFF seemingly without provocation. You deserve to know. SHE deserves to know.

It is also a good idea to get in touch with those deep feelings you have toward your TRUE friends. Those girls who you consider your non-biological sisters are part of who you are and knowing your deepest feelings about them helps to strengthen your relationship.

Some of what you write you may deem worthy of sharing with some of the girls on your list. Of course, this is when you edit and re-write. I hope you will choose to share these words with those girls in a face-to-face manner... even if you keep your letter with you as a cheat sheet. If she is worth your time to write all you did, she is worth hearing your voice affirm your friendship!

Some of what you write you may choose to destroy as a way of letting go of the frustration that person has caused you. Letting go of these feelings is a way to truly let go of a friendship that is toxic. You can tear, burn, flush these letters and vow to yourself to not look back... let it go for REAL.

This is an exercise that will make you grow, help you deal and bless you beyond anything you could imagine. Suggest this exercise to some of those friends you will be writing to... you may be pleasantly surprised as to what comes your way after they finish their list.

A word of CAUTION: DO NOT share your writing with anyone (or anywhere... no facebook, formspring, texts, etc) other than the person it was written for. Your integrity in this assignment is crucial. If you wouldn't want someone sharing their deepest personal feelings about you with others, then don't do it to someone else.

Save and print the journal page below if you need to:

Comments are always welcome!

Communication... it's Journal Entry Friday!



Yesterday I posted about having open conversations with BOYS! Check it out HERE so you can follow the journal assignment based on what I shared yesterday!

There are so many opportunities to share WHO YOU ARE with other people through your conversations. Communicating teaches someone what you are all about. I HATE DIRTY JOKES, I don't find the humor in them and they embarrass me. I don't judge other adults for thinking they are funny but most everyone I know knows to wait until I have left the room to get their giggle on over the latest dirty joke. The only way for someone to know this is through communication. I simply say,"OK, eww, I don't think I will stick around to hear this punchline." And I walk out of the room. I didn't attack anyone, it was addressed to a whole room full of people and I can even smile when I say it. No one gets mad. No one thinks I made a scene.

It's a simple way to say, "This is who I am. I hope you remember this the next time."

So, what are some things you could start sharing with others about WHO YOU ARE and WHERE YOUR BOUNDARIES are? How can you say those things in a way that doesn't make you the target for "Drama Queen" stories?

So, let's get started. In this journal exercise write a list of people who need to know just a little more about you in order to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Could be a coach, a teacher, a friend, a boy...

Now, go in order and re-write their name, an explanation of the situation you are trying to fix and then start "scripting" what you would like to share with them about your boundaries!

Work on these until you have a gentle, crisp and to-the-point sentence or two that will help you guide them in treating you the way you deserve to be treated based on WHO YOU ARE!

Print and use the journal page below to jot down your ideas:

Character Choices... it's Journal Entry Friday!

In yesterday's post I talked about CHARACTER and I gave you a whole list of character traits that are good to have. Some come naturally and some we need to work on. What comes naturally to your BFF may be something that is difficult for you. It doesn't mean she is a better person than you, it simply has to do with the way you are wired.

But these differences can cause drama within a group of friends.

We are all different. No two people are identical (even twins) and that's the glorious truth that makes the world go round. Think of how boring it would be if EVERYONE was exactly the same. If everyone had the same laugh, the same fears, the same annoying habits... B-O-R-I-N-G!!!

So, for today's journal entry I want you to "analyze" your group of friends using the list of character traits. Maybe one of your friends is so sensitive, that she gets upset at every little thing. She's one of those people who can't watch the news or she will have nightmares, you can't tell her the latest gossip because it will have her ranting about the rights of other people.....

According to the list of traits I posted yesterday, your friend is blessed with the gift of COMPASSION which means, investing whatever is necessary to heal the hurts of others.

This is a priceless trait to have and to share with others. You would WANT your friend's compassion when you slip up and make her angry. Her compassion would shine through her anger and she would want to get to the bottom of why you did what you did so the two of you could get past it and heal - this, in turn, would strengthen your friendship.

So, your assignment -

1. Print the page below and jot down a list of all of your friends.
2. Assign a character trait that is specifically tied to each girl
3. Write the words PRO and CON under that trait
4. Make a list next to CON of the things that ANNOY you about this trait in your friend
5. Make a list next to PRO of the GOOD things that come out of this trait

Your lists should look something like this:

Lilly
Diligence
(Investing my time and energy to complete each task assigned to me)
Con - it takes he sooooo long to get anything done
Pro - she is really good at alot of things b/c she is so careful about details

Once you identify the GOOD that can come out of the trait that might bother you the most, it is less likely to bother you and you might soon find yourself modeling similar behavior in an attempt to better yourself!!

Now, get to it!
See what you can do with this journal entry to better your friendships!

My Life... it's Journal Entry Friday!

It's a known fact that being creative (even when you think you don't have an ounce of artistic ability) can pull things out of your subconscience that you didn't even know were there.

Things to celebrate, things to deal with, things to think about...

Today's Journal Exercise - Draw your life - the good, the bad and the ugly!

I am taking a break from the LOTS OF THINKING STYLE journal entries.

Grab a pencil and be FREE!

What do you see?

Leave a comment!

Cleaning up Life's Little Messes... it's Journal Entry Friday!

(No, this is not my house!)

There is nothing more frustrating than the messes that crop up just when everything is running smoothly, right? You are out of school for summer... sleeping in every morning, no more homework, no more tests and WHAM someone hits you broadside with a nasty rumor they heard about you!

Summer vacation is supposed to be trouble-free, right? At least that's what we tell ourselves when we are falling asleep during our math final. As we nod off while trying to find what "x" is, we dream of sandy beaches, pool parties, summer romances, girly sleepovers and .... never do we leave room in that dream for drama!

So, whether it is a family struggle, a health issue, a pending move or just plain GIRL DRAMA you feel like you are boxed in with no where to go. No out. Not big red flashing EXIT sign. And you're sinking fast.

So, what do you do with the mess?

I found it coincidental that the picture I found to illustrate the idea of a "mess" had a bottle of RESOLVE sitting in the foreground.

re·solve  [ri-zolv] –noun

1. a resolution or determination made, as to follow some course of action.

So, a plan.... you need a plan.

Now, I am SO not an organized person but my husband is... when my life seems like it is going in 1,000,000 different directions, like today, he reminds me to make a plan. If I lay out my day on a piece of paper in an orderly way- it makes it much easier to deal with...

• places I need to go
• things I need to buy
• what I need to clean/straighten in the house
• what is coming tomorrow that I need to be prepared for

Now, you are thinking, "Well, it would be nice if my life's mess was like my room and I could sweep "the mess" under the bed and call it done."

But what I am suggesting is that you lay out your "mess" on paper in a sensible way:

• people I need to confront
• situations I need to handle
• friends I need to apologize to
• things I need to confess to someone
• issues I need to talk over with someone
• help I need to seek out

Now, you may end up with a huge graphic that looks like a spiderweb on crack - but it's all there and now you have a plan. Won't it feel good when you can cross some of those things off?

Now, when you make this list on the journal page I am providing below (just click on it, save and print) make sure you are NOT including things on the list that are not in your control. Keep your list focused on the difference YOU can make in your own "mess." Don't add to your list things that your friends are dealing with, "Help Becca get a boyfriend" should not be on your list - be SELFISH with this list.

Start cleaning up your OWN mess. You will find that as you create this list, a weight will soon be lifted. It will look like a map of how to get out of your "mess."

Good luck!
Leave a comment if you have questions about how to make your list.

GOAL-setting for SUMMER!

So, the end of the school year is here... how are you going to spend your summer? Yeah, I know the typical answers because they are the same answers my kids will give me.... sleep in, go to the pool, hang out with friends and go to bed late!

AWESOME! After a long stressful school year we ALL need time to recharge our batteries, reconnect with our pillows and veg a little! ABSOLUTELY! But let's get a little deeper here... we all know that after a couple weeks of that you will get the, "I'm bored" feeling. However, you know better than  to say it outloud in front of your parents b/c they can certainly keep you from being bored... so then what? What do you do?

Start thinking about what you want to accomplish this summer. Maybe you want to challenge yourself in one of your passion areas - dance, music, singing. Maybe you want to try out for a Varsity team in the fall. Maybe you want to finish your whole summer reading list. Maybe you want to write a book.

Setting goals gives us a mission. Having a mission feels good and it helps us to focus.

When you get the I'M BORED feeling you can look at your list of goals and choose something to work on before "mom" senses that you need something to do and has you weeding the flower bed.

The trick is that your goals need to be attainable. Don't set goals such as "I WANT TO GRADUATE EARLY AND APPLY TO COLLEGES IN THE FALL" if you are in 8th grade... unless this is a truly attainable goal for you.

Martin Riesenberg, author of How to Stop Whining and Start Winning, has a super easy way to remember how to set goals... check out this visual to get you started:

Visual from BurrellesLuce

Specific:  Be unambiguous as to exactly what it is you want to achieve.
Measurable:  Reaching your goals is  a step-by-step process.  Be sure to assess your goals on a regular basis to see if they align with your objectives.
Attainable:  Make your goals realistic – like I explained to my son, don’t set your goals so high that you won’t reach them. You might even consider breaking larger goals down into more manageable and achievable chunks.
Relevant:  Does your goal have significance in your personal or professional life? In Business is it aligned with your overall business objective?
Time Frame:  When do you want to achieve your goal?  Write the date down on paper.

So, what will your goals be this summer?

I have one final suggestion that makes this idea/process even cooler! Talk to your girlfriends and have at least ONE of your goals be a common goal - something you do together. Maybe you decide to raise money for Childhood Cancer and hold your very own Alex's Lemonade Stand. Maybe you decide to volunteer at a local day care center or retirement community.

One great thing to put on your goals list for this summer is participating in JUST THE WAY SHE IS DAY! on July 20, 2011!

So, take a couple days to just veg.
Sleep in.
Stay up late.
But then get serious about how you will affect YOUR life and the life of those around you this summer!

Feel free to print out this page and start your very own Butterfly Girl Journal!

L O V E - What is it?... it's Journal Entry Friday!

Hello my sweets!

Well, you can't be the mentor for teen girls for too long before this subject comes up:

It's just about as exciting as getting your first bra. Your first bra (and your first boyfriend) means you are growing up. You know you wanted one - everyone does...even if you can't admit it. Although you would probably rather shop for it alone...the shopping for it isn't as much fun as GETTING IT! But then what, things get twisted up a little. Other people notice this new thing and they start to talk. Drama rears its ugly head and soon you almost wish you hadn't admitted being ready for this....bra (oh wait, or were we talking about boys?)

Falling in love is supposed to be just like that...a little uncomfortable but so exciting on the inside you could explode. Your blood tingles as it runs through your veins, your breathing completely stops when he looks in your direction. Your palms get sweaty the moment you think he will reach for your hand. A jolt of electricity runs through your skin when you here the sound you have assigned only to his texts. And then other people have their say and words get twisted and you are SLAMMED with DRAMA. It's no fun.

So, what is love?

I have so many girls ask me this question. We talk about it on "the gathering" a lot. And this week it came up both on the wall and in private messages  so I thought this was something that warranted some journaling.

All of the physiological things that happen to your body when you like a  boy happen whether it is a crush or love. That excitement happens either way so you can't know right away if it is love or a crush.

The crush usually can't survive the drama...

The relationships that survive the drama, the gossip, the tragedies of love and find their bond STRONGER... that is probably more LOVE than CRUSH.

One of the girls on the gathering shared this and I loved it!

"Well define love...like cheesy middle school love that everyone thinks they're in...or that feeling I have inside me all the time that drives me insane with happiness? Is love being grateful for every second I get see him or talk to him? Knowing that my favorite thing about him is who he is inside, and not what he looks like or how good he is at this or that or because he compliments me? Is love that feeling I get when he smiles at me or looks at me? Or that feeling I get when you realize that this can't possible last forever but I want him to be happy with whoever he's with? Is it knowing he's my best friend and the one I can talk to anything about, joke around with, or tease? I've asked tons of people whether it's love or not but honestly....what is love?"

For your Friday journal, I want you to just make a WORD COLLAGE of all the things you feel when you are crushing on a boy. Cut words out of magazines, write them in, include images that maybe you can't give words to... be creative and work it out.

You'll know love when it comes... but it most likely the kind of love you are looking for won't come along for sometime. So, don't throw that word around too quickly. LOVE is a big thing and needs to be treated as such! Be careful!

Feel free to copy and print this journal page to use for this exercise.

Dear ME.... it's Journal Entry Friday!

Hey girls!
Grab your journals or print out the sheet below and let's get started!

Today's journal exercise is quite simple but at the same time, quite moving and powerful.

I recently heard a story about a woman on her wedding day who was presenting her husband with a letter she had written to him before she even knew him. She wrote the letter to a man she hadn't even met yet when she was a teenager taking an oath to remain pure for her husband. She commented that when she struggled with her values and was tempted to give in and take back that oath, she remembered that letter that was in her top drawer awaiting the man of her dreams. Because those words were written, because she could put her hands on them and re-read them at any moment, she would take a deep breath and make the right choice. And as she handed that letter to her husband on their wedding day, she was elated that she had kept that promise to herself, to God and to the man she would share something beautiful with on their wedding night.

This story brings me to tears every time I talk about it. How beautiful.

This brings me to our journal exercise. But I am going to change it up a little. I want you to write a letter to yourself. Something you will hold onto and know where it is at any moment. Something that will give you strength in times when you can't seem to find the strength within you. Something that will give you hope when everything coming at you looks bleak.

I want you to imagine you are grown and you are writing to yourself at the age you are now. This will be a thank you letter of sorts, thanking yourself for staying true to who you are and not selling out to be popular. This will be where you dream about WHO you want to become and what you want to be TO OTHER people as you grow up. What will others think of when they hear your name?

Now, imagine you are sitting on your bed. You have just returned from the best date ever. Your dream man has asked you to marry him and he told you everything he loves about WHO you are and WHAT you stand for. What do you imagine he said?

Write this letter as though you are that newly engaged young lady and you are thanking your younger self for all she did to stay true to who she was. What would this letter say?

"If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything"

Dear Me....

Fold your letter up, put it somewhere that you can put your hands on it at any moment. Use it like an old friend. Consult this letter when you have to make a life decision. It will give you strength to get through some tough decisions and it will be something you will treasure when you truly ARE sitting on that bed looking at the amazing diamond "he" just placed on your finger.

If YOU were in the DICTIONARY... it's Journal Entry Friday!

Yesterday I posed the question,
"If YOU were in a dictionary, what would you WANT your definition to be?"

Jay McGraw (Dr. Phil's son) says, "You have to name it, before you can claim it." You can't go through life not knowing what you stand for. There's a famous quote that says, "If you don't know what you stand for, you will fall for anything."

I have talked to so many girls over the years who tell me about a boy taking advantage of them physically. They tell me the boy just kept saying, "Shhh, it's ok." They tell me they just weren't comfortable saying, "No!" In all cases these girls feel like something has been stolen from them. There is no doubt in their minds that those boys were wrong in what they did. They don't doubt that giving themselves (even parts of themselves) away was a mistake they will deal with for the rest of their lives. So, why did they let it happen?

I believe these things happen because we don't lay down CONCRETE boundaries in our lives. Girls as young as 2 and 3 are taught about inappropriate touching and what to do if it happens. But when you girls grow up, you get to a point in your lives where your mom can't determine your boundaries anymore. You need to OWN your decisions about what DEFINES you. YOU have this responsibility but all too often no one tells you that. Then you get into a situation with a boy or a mean girl pressuring you to do something you believe to be wrong and because you don't STAND for anything you FALL for their lies.

I am going to tell you a story from when I was 19.

I spent my high school years being the "goody two shoes." Some people made fun of me but mostly it was the girls who weren't as virtuous as I was and I just read into it that they were jealous that I was strong enough to say "no" to many things I was confronted with. I wasn't an outcast, I was a cheerleader, I dated the star basketball player on and off for 3 years. I was active in clubs and activities in school, I was in the Show Choir (which wasn't as drama-filled as GLEE!) So it wasn't my lack of popularity that made me a target, it was simply my choices and how OTHER people felt about them....as if I was wearing shirts that said, "I am better than you because I don't.... or .... or...."

When I went to college, I dated a boy that was my first experience with a "bad boy" so these boundaries I had set for myself were truly tested. I hadn't had anyone ask me, "What DEFINES you?" or "What are your personal concrete boundaries?" I was TOLD by my mom what the answers to those questions were. But, being in this not-so-healthy relationship helped me make those answers MY OWN.

One day I realized that when you have DEFINED BOUNDARIES, people can just sense it. When your boundaries are obvious by what you say, do and how you act...you don't deal with alot of what other girls your age do when it comes to peer pressure.

My boyfriend and I were at a party at his friend Rob's house. Unbeknownst to me, Rob was the biggest pig on the planet. At one point in the party a couple girls I didn't know came up to me and said, "We aren't sure what is going on but ever since you got here, Rob has been on his best behavior." I had no idea what they were talking about, I had never met the kid before so I had nothing to compare it to. On the way home that night, my boyfriend said, "Ya know, Rob really respects you. He didn't swear once or tell a dirty joke or be a pig once. It's like he KNEW you were a 'good girl'. I didn't think Rob had a decent bone in his body."

It was then that I realized that living my life the way I did, was SHOWING people what I would and would not accept from them. I didn't have to have a toe-to-toe confrontation with Rob to tell him my feelings about his foul mouth...he just behaved himself b/c it's what I EXPECTED. It was my DEFINITION.

"If YOU were in a dictionary, what would you WANT your definition to be?"

Now, I will tell you that staying together with this 'bad boy' led me down some roads where I stepped across my own boundaries enough times that what I had worked to build for those 19 years, fell and I had to rebuild portions of it again. So, I can see this situation from more that one side. I know what it's like to fall. But I know how much easier it is to get up if you BELIEVE in your own DEFINITION!

Use the following journal page to hash out your own PERSONAL DEFINITION. What will you demand from those around you? Respect, appropriate behaviors, drug-free friends, no bullying, no foul jokes, etc.....

Write your name as the word being DEFINED, then follow it with the definition...."a person who expects ........... a person who doesn't......... a person who won't tolerate............ a person who will always...................." Add more if you like.

Philanthropy... It's Journal Entry Friday

phi·lan·thro·py/fəˈlanTHrəpē/Noun

1. The desire to promote the welfare of others, expressed esp. by the generous donation of money to good causes.

This is one of my favorite things to talk to teens about. So often, as teens, you can feel like "you're just not old enough" for anything...not old enough to drive, not old enough to have a job, not old enough to walk to school, not old enough for Prom, not old enough for... well, you can fill in the blanks.

So, I think it is natural that if this message is pounded through your head enough, you start to just ASSUME you are too young to do any BIG thing.

Well, I am here to tell you that is a not the case. There are many teens (and even younger kids) who have changed the lives of many people because they saw a need and they did something to fill it.

I talk to kids all the time about the "Oprah effect" - what's that? Well, it's my own term for feeling like your efforts aren't making a difference if you don't end up on Oprah. It's this kind of thinking, "Sure, I could help stock the shelves at the food pantry but no one would know I did it. So, it's not really helping anyone if it's not making the news."

You don't have to make the news to make a difference. You can affect the lives of the people around you by one simple (even anonymous) act of kindness. I believe we were put on this earth to give back humbly. Giving humbly means to give with your whole heart without NEEDING a "thank you" or any notoriety.

I have gotten many letters over the years from teens thanking me for affecting their lives in a way that helped shape who they are as adults and in some cases, as parents. (Yeah, that makes me feel old!) But I have never been on Oprah or in the news. Does not being on the news cancel out my impact on their  lives? Of course not!

So, what if I decided NOT to help them when they needed it b/c it wasn't going to get me on the news? Sounds pretty selfish, doesn't it?

So, WHAT THINGS MOVE YOU?
What ONE THING do you want to affect?
What group of PEOPLE needs YOU?
Who is waiting for YOU to help?

Take some quiet time right now. Close the door, get out your journal, get comfy and close your eyes.

Think about the things that tug on your heart, the things you see about the world that concern you, maybe they are things on the  news that make you cry.

Maybe there are things that affect your life personally?
Is it a disease that needs research funding? (Cancer, fibromayalgia, etc)
Is it something about your family life that you makes you want to bless others in your same situation? (Adoption, single-parent homes, etc)
Some efforts can be for non-humans, too...like abused animals or endangered species.

What is it for you?

Start making a list in your journal. You will probably have a long list.

There are MANY things that move me to tears but only a few that I feel I have the talents and passions to be able to help. Some I can support but don't feel the same passion for as I do for the ones I feel like I could stand up and speak to people about. I am in FULL support of rescuing dogs from puppy mills, but my talents are based in my connections with teens so that is "my" cause.

 Now, narrow it down to a couple that are the MOST meaningful to you.

Now, which one are you passionate enough about that you feel you could speak to a small group of people about and they would "join" you in your activism for this cause?

Your journal exercise today is to write what you would say to that small group about your cause. Write a mini-speech.

Use this journal page if you don't have one of your own:

Your "A HA!" MOMENT! Once you write your "mini speech" you may find yourself imagining organizing help efforts for your cause. Google what other people are doing to raise money or awareness. Some causes simply need people to collect items; winter coats, school supplies, etc.

Which friends would make a perfect committee?

GO! Make it happen!
Come back and let us know what you are doing! This is SO exciting!

Boundaries - It's Journal Entry Friday

Well, it has been two weeks since our last journal entry blog post. I apologize for not having one up for you last week, while on vacation I simply lost track of the days of the week. Before I knew it, Friday had passed.

This week the Butterfly Girlz Advisory Team has been talking alot about BOUNDARIES so I thought this was a perfect subject to bring to you today. We have talked about Boundaries with Boys, but this week we were discussing ALL of the personal boundaries that define who we are.

I asked the girls a simple question, "What are some of your personal boundaries?" and I got some amazing answers, of course, boundaries with boys were included but there were other boundaries that I thought were worth sharing.

"I have boundaries about eating to much junk food & candy"

"respecting myself and my family and not letting people push me around"

"being polite...and being responsible... also I try so hard to be honest in all situations"

Just like we talked about being clear about our boundaries with boys, we need to be secure and sure about our other personal boundaries.

I started this conversation with you yesterday when I posted the conversation I had with a young lady who was troubled by as situation that involved her boyfriend and another girl who was crossing a line. You can read that post HERE.

The way we live our lives and the boundaries we set will shape who we become. I want you to think really deeply about that... I will repeat it for you...

"the boundaries we set will shape who we become"

Teenagers have this notion that their teen years are the time to let loose (you're only young once), be free (if it feels good, do it) and go against authority (I'm tired of people telling me what to do)...

In actuality, your teen years are PRACTICE for becoming an adult. What are you right after you finish your teen years? An adult. There is no grace time in between. You don't live your teen years like a 6 year long party and then have a couple years to get all your ducks in a row before becoming an adult. You leave your teens the day of your 20th birthday. BAM! You are no longer a teen, you are a young adult! There is no grace period.

I graduated from high school a virgin. Yep, the big "V"! It's not for lack of opportunity, I had a serious boyfriend from the summer before my Senior year to the summer after. We spent alot of time together and we spent a lot of time alone. But I was taught that sex was for husband and wife. Little did I know that this virtue I had chosen for myself was not as private as I thought.

One day during my senior year, my good friend Paul leaned across the lunch table and shared something with me I will never forget. I don't remember his exact words but the sentiment he shared had a huge impact on my life.

I knew Paul since 7th grade, we had lots of classes together all the way through to our Senior year. Paul was a really popular guy, had girlfriends for as long as I knew him, was a bit of a rebel (just a little). He was a black-leather-jacket-wearing wonderfully good-looking guy. (He won "Best Eyes" in the Senior noteables)

Paul shared with me that he truly was in awe of the choices I made and how, even amid the pressures of high school, I had remained pure. He said it was beautiful. He said even though he was rarely without a girlfriend, he hoped to someday find a girl with morals set as high as mine.

Now, I didn't wear a VIRGIN t-shirt, I had never had the sex-or-no-sex conversation with Paul. But the boundaries I had set, had apparently shaped who I had become and who I was to those around me. I had no idea MY choices would have such an impact on those around me.

For your journal entry today, I want you to imagine you have a "Paul" in your life throughout Middle and High School. I want you to picture yourself sitting across from him at lunch when he leans over to have a similar conversation with you...

Paul's comments to me revolved around my choice to remain pure. But I don't want your journal entry to relate it to just boy-girl relationships. I want you to think of your boundaries as a whole...honesty, compassion, integrity, trustworthiness, etc.

What kinds of things will your "Paul" say to you?
This exercise is for you to envision yourself at the tender age of 18 and who you want to BE. This journal exercise will give you the roadmap for how to get there.

Here is your journal page:
(as always, I would love for you to share your entries in the comments if you feel comfortable doing so)