Why are GIRLS so mean?

"What girls do to each other is beyond description. No chinese torture comes close." ~ Tori Amos

You call your best friend to tell her your biggest news and before you have a chance to gush, she blurts out, "Jamie told me that you told her that I wasn't your real BFF!" And the insane drama begins... you end up hanging up in tears and you have no idea if she will even speak to you again... sounds familiar?

We are having a LIVE conversation right now over on "the gathering" and girls are spewing why they think there is so much drama between girls.

Apparently, we are finding through our conversation that it is largely related to JEALOUSY!

Ahhh, the big green monster of JEALOUSY! Could someone please just put that thing out of its misery already?

Girls feel the need to say exactly what is on their mind with NO use of any filter... unfortunately what they are not seeing is how UGLY their words and are. It is sad to me to hear about girls who turn on each other almost overnight and it all ends up being over petty things... friendships are such a gift and some girls treat their friends as if they were disposable.

SOME people allow themselves to process their feelings BEFORE blurting them out! That's a good use of a FILTER... we are all human and we all have thoughts we would rather not admit to - it's what you DO with those thoughts that can make you look bad.

Being a teen girl isn't easy. It is downright painful.

"We can all become obsessed with looking better than the next girl and if things go her way instead of yours (guy you like asks her out instead of you) we become jealous and hurt because we don't feel like we're good enough so we become angry and that makes us pick out all the bad things about that person (even if it's not true) and we end up saying things we regret/don't mean." - Elizabeth, 17

So, what are some things you do to keep from hurting your friends when you are feeling bad about yourself?

JOURNAL!!!!! Write it all down, get it all out, deal with your own issues before you make more for someone else! You don't like the way you are feeling on the inside so why would you do that to someone else?

Be honest - does it REALLY make you feel better when you throw someone under the bus? Because it doesn't make you LOOK better. Those actions are UGLY and if you are striving for BEAUTY you have missed the boat by a long shot.

Project yourself ahead 10 years - what kinds of memories do you want to have of your teens? How do you want to remember yourself? Do you want to remember being the friend everyone could rely on or the friend that treated everyone badly to make herself feel better?

Who do you need to apologize to today?

If someone needs to apologize to YOU... put a link to this post on your facebook and see what happens.

Girl drama is just as Tori Amos says, TORTURE!

Don't do it.

It's quite ugly!

ALONE time...

We have all seen the "typical" teen portrayed in movies as the girl who storms to her room, pulls the shades, blares her music, locks her door and only comes out when she's so hungry she could eat her own arm.

We have all felt that way.

We have all wanted to be left alone.

We have all just wanted to hide from the world.

We have all just needed a break.

SOMETIMES.

But sometimes this can be taken too far and that's when it's no longer healthy to take a "break."

A break is something that lasts for a short time. Think about it, when you are at work and your boss says you can take your break. Or when you have spent the entire day cleaning for your mom and you ask if you can take a break... do you mean for a couple years? LOL! I know what you are thinking - you would like to take a break from cleaning for a couple years, right?! Sure you would, we all would.

The point I am making is that sometimes that break we need becomes a habit that alienates us from the world that helps us navigate WHO WE ARE. Taking a break that lasts beyond the norm can actually hurt you instead of help you. You can lose yourself in that break and you will eventually lose the ability to reconnect with the world you once knew. And then you become LOST and that's a scary place to be.

When you are lost like this, you can't even find yourself... this is a downward spiral that suffocates hundreds of thousands of teens each year. Cutting, depression and suicide feel like the only way out. Do you want those to be your only options? Don't you want more options for your life? I do. I want that for you, too.

The hardest thing to do when we are going through a difficult time is to reach out. When your life truly HURTS, the last thing you want to do is share that with someone. It doesn't feel good. What will people think? Will they judge me? What if they think I'm a freak?

But sometimes the hardest thing to do is the thing that will make you stronger. When you feel like crawling into a hole and barricading the world outside your door, picture your life next year... what will hiding under the covers get you?

But now picture your life if you flung that door open and screamed, "HERE I AM WORLD!" Now, I know your neighbors would think you had lost your mind if you did that! LOL! But what is the hardest is sometimes the BEST thing for us. Think about Olympic athletes. Do you think their training is easy? Do you think their bodies don't ache with a pain you and I have never felt? Do you think they WANT to hurt? Probably not. But how badly do you think they want that GOLD MEDAL? More than anything in this world?

Well, I think I can assume that what you want more than anything else right now is to feel a part of something. You want to feel loved. You want to be included. You want to have someone to call when something goes wrong.

Do you have this? Some of you don't. Some of you are thinking, "Locking myself in my room to be alone is no different that walking into the hallway of my school - I am alone both ways!"

I would never downplay the difficulties most teens have making and keeping friends. It's not easy. Sometimes it's the fault of the friend when things go south and sometimes it's not their fault...either way much of the drama is out of our control. We can't flip the switch on a bully so she stops being mean. We can't mute the girl who starts all the rumors. Sometimes being alone seems safer. I get it. I may be an adult now, but realistically, you know I was a teen once, too. Yes, the 80's were a different time and I didn't have social media and school shootings to worry about but what was bad for me and my friends then was just as real as what is bad for you today.

It isn't easy to reach out. I know. But this is YOUR LIFE we are talking about. You only get ONE.

So, make a plan. Look for people LIKE you. Maybe you have an interest or passion. Joining a club or interest group can be the easiest way to find others who will "get" you. Take a class after school or join a service group. Volunteer within an organization that tugs on your heart strings. Whether it is an animal shelter, an after school art club, or a day care center... something that puts that sparkle in your eye will surely have you glowing when you are doing it with OTHERS who have the same passion.

Now, some of you have come upon this post a little too late and have kept yourself away from people for long enough that you don't even know where to begin...

I have created "the gathering" for just this reason - "the gathering" is a CLOSED and PRIVATE facebook page where ALL GIRLS, especially girls who feel alone can reach out to other girls who can help support them. You can ask questions on the wall and you will almost instantly get responses from teen girls from across the country. You can also message me privately and we can talk confidentially about anything that is hurting and/or confusing you.

I hope you will click the link and request to join...

Post your comments and questions - I have a feeling this will be a good one to talk about!



This Weekend's Butterfly Girlz Workshop

We had a blast this weekend talking about SCRIPTING YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES (one of the many workshops I offer). This event was exclusively for my Advisory Team that I lovingly call The Butterfly Girlz. We walked the red carpet, untangled human knots, giggled at a skit, listened to awesome music, made butterfly charm bracelets, got to know other team members from other states, did a couple journal entries and chatted ALOT about boundaries and how to make sure ours are CONCRETE!

Enjoy the photos! These girls sure enjoyed the day!

The workshops that are open to the public are called "gatherings" after our facebook page for TEEN GIRLS called "the gathering." If you are interested in having a workshop for your teen girl group please contact me at mybutterflygirlz@yahoo.com

Friendship Pie - it's Journal Entry Friday

Over on "the gathering" we have been talking a lot about what makes a good friend. We have been discussing what qualities and characteristics will create a lasting friendship.

Some of the following were listed as qualities we should be looking for:

• good sense of humor
• kindness
• sincerity
• caring
• trustworthy
• likes you for you

These are really great qualities that our friendships would all benefit from.

Think about your BFF...

• what qualities does she have that makes her your BFF?
• what qualities do you wish she had that would make your relationship even better?

I have to say, much of what we talk about over on "the gathering" is rooted in girl drama...

• girl dates her BFFs ex
• girl tells BFFs secret
• girl talks badly about BFF when she's not around

All of these things are NOT acceptable in a TRUE BFF relationship. BUT.... and this is a big but (LOL)... you are all still learning what INTEGRITY is. Do you know what that word means?

INTEGRITY is a concept of consistency of actions, values, methods, measures, principles, expectations, and outcomes. In ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one's actions.

Basically this means you act and react in the same way to the same situations no matter WHO you are with. So, if you have a problem with something someone is doing, you talk about it in the same way whether she is standing right there or NOT. Wouldn't it be nice to have THAT in your relationship? Do you see how trust is built easily with someone who has unfailing integrity?

Alright, today for your journal exercise, you will be splitting the pie chart above into your PERFECT recipe for a best friend. Print it out and then divide it accordingly. If 'being trustworthy' is a BIG part of what you want, then draw that slice bigger than the rest and label it. If 'sense of humor' is important but not as big as 'being trustworthy' then draw that slice accordingly and label it.

Then ~ after you have completed this exercise, AND NOT BEFORE, scroll down to the bottom of this post for PART 2.

Don't PEEK!
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Take a close look at your completed pie...
and then...

BE the FRIEND you want to HAVE!

<3
Let this RECIPE be your guide to finding the best BFF, but let it ALSO show you the kind of friend to BE!

I LOVE MY BUTTERFLY GIRLZ

Real words from a real girl,
"Yea, being a teen girl is complicated because in all the drama at first you feel like you floating on top of the sea of miserableness but you never know when all the drama is gonna get worse and then you see the big waves and then when you least expect it, the waves flip your boat over and you never know when you gonna reach the surface. But when you talk to someone about and try you very best to fix the problem then you finally reach the surface and the problem fades and drifts away."

And this is what we talk about on "the gathering" on facebook. If you need to chat it out, hash out life, complain, vent or ask for advice come on over and join the conversation. Request to join!!

CLICK ON THE LOGO TO JOIN

REAL teen girls tell it like it is...

Over on facebook on a group page called "the gathering" 250+ girls come together to chat, support each other, share stories, shed light on issues and learn to focus on what REALLY matters and stay ABOVE the drama instead of IN it. You have to request to join or be added by a friend who is already a group member, but if you are a TEEN GIRL, you are welcome to join us. Click the logo.

I am "wow"ed regularly by the things the girls are dealing with and how open they are to share. And I am in awe of the girls that step up and offer their advice and support. It is an amazing place to be on a day when you feel like you have nowhere to turn because there are many girls (and ME!) who can lift your spirits with some healthy advice. But it is also a great place to be when you are on top of the world because you will be able to use that positive energy to bless someone else.

The other day I asked the girls to describe what it was like to be a teen girl in 2011 and one answer took my breath away...

Alex shared this with us:

"Yea, being a teen girl is complicated because in all the drama, at first, you feel like you floating on top of the sea of miserableness. But you never know when all the drama is gonna get worse. And then you see the big waves and when you least expect it, the waves flip your boat over and you never know when you gonna reach the surface. But when you talk to someone about it and try you very best to fix the problem then you finally reach the surface and the problem fades and drifts away."

Thank you, Alex, for sharing your heart and for giving us this visual!!

If you would like to come check us out, please search "the gathering" on your facebook search bar, request to join and then come chat it up with all the girls. Like what you see? Invite your friends! It's a great place to be able to turn to.

"the gathering" - a NEW Online HOT SPOT for TEEN Girls

I am so excited to introduce "the gathering" to you and all of your friends. This is a facebook group (just search the words "the gathering" in the search bar and request to join) specifically for teen girls who want to connect with other girls or get some good advice or share a celebration or change the world.

This is a safe CLOSED group that is closely monitored by myself and my Advisory Team of teens.
My whole program...the book I am writing (which is still up for grabs so publishers and agents I NEED YOU), the workshops I run, my Advisory Team of amazing teens, this blog and now "the gathering"...has been built on methods that empower girls with the self-respect they deserve and are ALLOWED to demand and the boundaries only they can set.

Yes, it can be that simple. But do you know why? Self-respect and boundaries don't only have to do with boys...self-respect and boundaries effect EVERY part of your life...

~ your education
~ your friendships
~ your family life
~ your safety
~ your hopes and dreams
~ your career
~ your life's direction
...and so much more

My life's calling is to empower young women through a knack that I have been blessed with, a knack for connection. When I was a first year teacher right out of college, I thought I connected with my students simply because I was only a couple years older than them. Now, at almost 41, I realize this connection phenomenon has only become more obvious and stronger and with MORE girls than ever.

Please come join us on "the gathering," introduce yourself and then invite all your friends... we're going to take the world by storm!