Boundaries w/ BOYS - It's Journal Entry Friday

The Butterfly Girlz Advisory Team has been talking about boys this week. We have been talking about what drives us crazy and how to deal with it. I thought this would be a great Friday Journaling subject.

So, here are some of the things the girls were saying...

K: [I hate it] when they act like they like you and then they totally ignore you and are super mean and annoying. This bothers me because they like lead you on and then you start to like the guy.

N: How they are nice to you on minute, then mean to you the next, it's so annoying.

M: I think what really gets me is when they say they like you, but they send you mixed signals. & they don't understand how girls work and usually end up hurting us in the end :(

E: with some guys, if they like u, they don't show it. instead they r mean to u and do weird things to try to "impress" you. that gets on my nerves.

My advice to the girls: Ya know, I don't even think they realize they do this sometimes, their brains are so all over the place at this age, I think they also like to be in control of the situation so they don't get shot down first... it is not fair... but you know what you can learn from this? GUARD YOUR HEART...don't fall too fast... put your trust in YOU to make a wise decision, not in THEM to be who you HOPE they are...

Then the conversations changed directions a little with the following comment from one of the older girls on the Team:

L: This may only fall in the category of boys who like you/ boyfriends.... boys who are clingy!! Let me do my thing dude, you'll get your time haha.

This comment fell right in line with what I was trying to get across... and made me think of something CHAD EASTHAM said at The Revolve Tour last weekend...he was talking about making plans and setting boundaries.

He asked girls for a definition of the word DATING... he got many very different responses. The variation of what girls think "dating" is was astounding...from hanging out with the boy you like to being in love with someone that you do everything with.

Then he asked girls to define the word HOUSE. Well, of course, that was much easier. A house has rooms with walls, it has windows and doors...etc etc.

I bought Chad's new book (LOVE his title!!) and I came upon this same conversation again and thought it would be a GREAT way to hash out this issue we have with the ways boys/boyfriends treat us.

It is easy for us to define what a HOUSE is because we have a clear concept of WHAT IT IS. There are things you need to have in a structure you will call a house - it needs to have a kitchen, some bedrooms, bathrooms (of course), a living room or den. There have to be doors and windows to be able to get in and out.

So, when it comes to boys, do you set up the same kind of "plan" - with boys, those details need to be laid out as boundaries...which in essence is how a house is laid out. We have a bathroom right next to our  kitchen, I NEED there to be a wall there - that is the boundary I have set for the people trying to eat dinner. That boundary keeps the four of us at the dinner table from having to be a part of what is going on in the bathroom with the one that left just moments ago.

Chad talks about setting boundaries by laying out what you EXPECT from a relationship with a boy. I thought the questions he asks would be PERFECT to follow up our week-long discussion the Advisory Team has been having about boys and also is a helpful tool for anyone old enough to start thinking they might be interested in a specific boy.

Chad challenges us to think AHEAD about what we EXPECT:
Use the following questions and the journal page below to do this week's FRIDAY JOURNAL ENTRY!

• How much time are you going to spend together?
• How much time are you going to spend talking on the phone, texting or chatting online?
• What physical boundaries have you set for yourself? What lines with you NOT cross under any circumstances?
• What kind of time will you spend with each other's friends and families?

And I want to add a couple questions about boundaries, too...

• What are your VERBAL boundaries? Are there words and/or subjects that you will not accept as appropriate when spoken in front of or to you?
• What are his boyfriend 'no-brainers' in your mind? Will he walk you to class? Will he change lunch tables to sit with you and not his friends?
• Will he have boundaries YOU will need to respect? What are they?

By digging a little deeper, you may find out some things you didn't know about yourself. and that's why JOURNAL ENTRY FRIDAY is so stinkin' cool!

Here's your journal page:

Thanks Chad Eastham for inspiring us to think DEEPER!

Where do you draw the line?

It's been a big week for young girls talking about BOYS. Maybe it's Spring. Maybe it's the moon. Who knows but I am a firm believer that there's a reason for everything and if one girl reads this post and learns something, well, then the reason for all that BOY talk was to inspire me to lay it all out for you to read.

I have a friend who counsels teens, a couple friends in the local school system, numerous friends who are parents of teens and I mentor teens online throughout the week. I hear it all. Nothing shocks me but there are so many things that make me sad about girls and their mindset on BOYS.

If I could rent a car and a bullhorn and travel every road in the country shouting out guidance that would keep you true to who you were meant to be - I would do it in a heartbeat! My own children might change their names - can you see me?

So, you see where I am going with this...

I talked to a young girl this week who was concerned for a friend who was letting her boyfriend's hands roam at school. When I asked why she thought her friend would think this was OK, she said because they do more than that when they are alone. I asked why her friend thought THAT was OK, she said because when she talks about it at school, the girls react in a "you're so lucky" kind of way. This girl is 12.

Someone shared a story with me about a 14-year old girl who wanted to know when was an appropriate age to "give" herself to her boyfriend. Well, I have to say, the right answer is "NOT 14!" (Don't get mad... keep reading... let me explain) However, this girl said she thought it was her responsibility to give herself away..."It's what girls do, right? We are just supposed to, aren't we?"

I have talked to many girls over the years that want to know how far is too far, how much is too much, what's OK and what's not... I make it a point when I talk to girls about this subject to let them know I don't judge - I don't think less of you because of what you've done....I am here to help, no matter WHAT stage of this dilemma you are in. Whether you are considering the next step with your boyfriend or you have already taken that step, I am here to answer your questions. What would judging do? Nothing.

Here's how I look at it...
I relate it to butterflies.

Each time you let someone cross the line - whether it is in the way they treat you, something they say that is uncalled for, a rumor that's spread - you let one of your butterflies go. Your butterflies help you to float above the muck of life. With each butterfly that escapes, the closer you are to getting messy...life will get messy. You can chase after the escaped butterflies when you realize you should have stood up for yourself and held on tighter to your self-respect...but that takes time and alot of effort to get them back. It's worth it. But it's not easy. Much easier to just hold onto them to begin with.

Teenage boys are truly just a giant mass of hormones - their bodies are raging with hormones they don't know what to do with. These hormones make them do and say stupid things (now, keep in mind, most boys are not bad...for the most part they are as confused about their actions as you are) and these hormones make them WANT to try things that they think that make them cool.

Some boys just act goofy, some sprinkle curse words in every sentence, some Google not-so-good images and some experiment with what they can get away with with girls. Roaming hands, telling you they love you and if you love them you will ... (fill in the blank).

THIS is where you draw the line...when it comes to your body.
Whose body is it? YOURS!
Whose? YOURS!
YOURS!
YOURS!
YOURS!

One of the biggest mistakes girls make when they are young is associating "giving in" to a boy as showing her love to him. Well, let me tell you... that is not what the boy is getting out of it. He is not thinking, "Wow! She really loves me." The only thing this is communicating to the boy is, "Wow! That wasn't difficult. Wonder how far she will go next time."

When you give one of these butterflies away... you can't get it back. There is a piece of you that that boy will carry around for the rest of his life.

The void you feel from the LOST butterflies hurts...

When we lose something what do we do? We try to find it. When we can't find it what do we do? We try to replace it.

Because at 12 or 14, like the girls I mentioned above, your brain is not fully developed it is so hard to make sense of that void... that hole that you feel in your heart. Your critical thinking and problem solving skills will one day be located in the frontal lobe of your brain which does not mature until you are  in your mid-20's.

Your brain will tell you to find something to fill that void.

Do you see where I am going with this?

Your brain will tell you that going farther will fill that void... and so the cycle begins.

When that boy has long gone... you will still be searching for what will fill that butterfly-shaped hole in your heart.

So, my message to you is...

LOVE URSELF ENOUGH 2 SAY NO!

Are you hearing me through that bullhorn? I am right outside - yelling to every house on your street.

Hold onto those butterflies so they can help you FLOAT when life gets really tough.

So, what about those of you who already have a butterfly-shaped hole in your heart? You can't go back...but you CAN learn from your mistake and this is when you fill that hole with YOU - invest in getting to know yourself better. Take some time to spend with you... take a walk, let yourself vent, talk about how you feel. Learn from your mistakes and promise yourself that you won't repeat them. Journal your heart. Write a letter to the boy who pushed you a little too far - don't give it to him (rip it into tiny pieces and flush it) but get those feelings out so you can start to heal and so you can see clearer and make better choices when a similar situation arises.

You're going to be OK, I promise - you can come out of this stronger and more aware.

Leave me your comments, tell me what you think.

As always email me michellebrownlow@yahoo.com if you want to chat deeper about this subject.

Monday's MUSIC! Britt Nicole, Group 1 Crew, Jamie Grace, Hawk Nelson!

Some of the local Butterfly Girlz and I attended The REVOLVE Tour this weekend and we had a BLAST!

The speakers were AMAZING...

We all LOVED Chad Eastham he knows A LOT about guys - and isn't that what we girls wanna know?!

You can connect with Chad and read more about him on his AWESOME WEBSITE!

The Girlz fell in LOVE with the music that we rocked out to so I thought since today was MEDIA/MUSIC Monday, I would share that music with you! We have been singing it since we left the arena on Saturday!

Introducing BRITT NICOLE!!!!!!!!!

Double click this video to get to YouTube and check out all her other videos! She is AWESOME!!!!! We all thought she looks and sounded a lot like Carrie Underwood!! She was SO MUCH FUN!

Then we all giggled with JAMIE GRACE! LOVE HER!
Toby Mac found her on YouTube...and ended up producing her NEW SINGLE!! GO JAMIE! WE LOVE YOU!




We had a BLAST dancing all around to GROUP 1 CREW!!
SOOOOOO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!!!!!



And of course...we were ALL crushing on HAWK NELSON!
Oh my WORD these guys were a BLAST!



So, check all of these AMAZING artists out on iTunes and load up your playlist with THIS music. So, the next time you hear lyrics that are offensive, throw in your earbuds and ROCK OUT to some music that is sure to make you feel GOOD - really GOOD!

Circle Yes or No! - It's Journal Entry Friday

This week brought me the inside scoop on typical teen drama that some moms don't want to hear. But I want to hear it all. Nothing shocks me. I don't have that "GASP! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!" reaction so my kids know they can come to me with anything and we chat it out calmly.

I have a large network of professionals that I speak to daily. Some are professional moms (btw - you HAVE to be professional to be a good mom!), some are in the schools everyday working as teachers, some are what I like to call professional teens - the ones that  take their life seriously enough to open up and talk about it.

This week the theme seemed to be BOYS!

Alright, when I was in school - yes, back when the dinosaurs roamed in the playground - boys started being interested in girls in 6th grade. Now when I say "interested" I just mean they one day woke up and thought, "Hey, wait, Michelle isn't a boy - woah - that means she's a ... oh, what are they called... duhhh ummm, oh yeah, she's a girl! A girl. Hmmm. I wonder what they do. I guess I better watch some of them a little closer to figure them out."

I am not bashing boys or insinuating that they are big oafs. It truly just happens that way for them. So, one day in 6th grade I got a note from a boy named David, asking if I would be his girlfriend. Now, David sat RIGHT NEXT TO ME so he could have just turned to me and said, "Hey, wanna be my girlfriend?" But, no, I got this crinkled, sweaty scrap of paper that looked a little like this:

OK, there are a couple things that should have bothered me about this note - first, my name is not "Michael" and if David really cared about me, I would have liked for him to at least make sure he knew how to spell my name.

Secondly, giving me the option to circle my answer meant we could potentially become a "couple" without even TALKING to one another. I don't even remember speaking to David before he asked me out.

Third, if this boy didn't know me well enough to even ask me a question, wouldn't he want to make sure he KNEW the girl he was asking out? If he really didn't care, why would I want to be his girlfriend? How would he treat me?

Now, I know notes aren't usually the "thing" these days, boys just ask their friends to ask the girl they like... or in some cases, the poor boy confides in his friends about the girl he likes and he gets ambushed! Before he knows it, his friends have taken it upon themselves to "set them up" and by the end of the day the girl has said "yes" to a question SHE believes came from the boy. Hearts will be breaking by the end of the week. This is not how to start your dating experiences.

Here's the way I look at it and I want you to think about approaching this situation this way, too...

If the boy does not have the nerve to personally ask you to be his girlfriend, he most likely won't have the decency to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. He will most likely just hold the right to say you are "his" - he very well may not talk to you at all... ever. You are a beautiful prize that comes in a precious package, you are worth waiting for. And if he needs to wait a couple month to get enough nerve to talk to you, then let him wait. Besides, wouldn't you want to get to know him before it becomes public that you like him enough to be his girlfriend? People will make assumptions about you BASED on the people you give your time to. Is he worth your time?

There is no rush to jump into a relationship with someone. I just talked to a boy yesterday who asked for advice because he thought he liked two different girls at the same time. He wasn't "going out" with anyone but he was killing himself over the fact that he couldn't decide who he liked more.

I told this boy that this was not a dilemma at all. Unless he was in a "Ask the girl you like the best out within 24 hours and win $1,000,000!" contest, there was NO rush to make that decision. Being single and "enjoying" the company of multiple girls is NOT a crime. He can be very good friends with many girls and do just that... be friends. He is learning what is attractive to him. He is learning what he is looking for by keeping his options open. He is saving everyone a lot of heartbreak by not pressuring himself to ask one of them out so he has the elusive title of "boyfriend."

It is the same for you girls, the best relationships start out as FRIENDSHIPS not sweaty note-writers.

Rewind back to 1982, soon after circling "yes" on David's note we started talking a little here and there. One afternoon as we passed in our spelling tests I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He quickly answered with,
"A garbage truck."

So, girls, today's journal exercise is for you to make a list of the qualities you would like in a boyfriend. Think of everything... (print the journal page below if you need one)

Do you want him to say "excuse me" when he burps? So, you want someone POLITE.
This of it all!

Now, look at the length of your list... do boys your age have most of these qualities? You are worth waiting for...use this journal exercise to focus on what your STANDARDS are! Now, write these words at the bottom of your list...

"Should I expect A LOT from the boy who wants to be my boyfriend? Circle Yes or No"
Then CIRCLE "YES!"

Comment below - let's talk some more about this in the comments!
As always email me @ michellebrownlow@yahoo.com if you want to speak privately about this or any other subject.

Butterfly Landing Mini-Magazine is COMING!

We are so excited to announce the May/June issue of our BRAND NEW Mini-Mag!

We are currently accepting submissions from teen girls and look forward to making  this magazine available to girls around the world!

Follow the blog so you can keep up with the NEWS about the mini-mag and any call for submissions we may have in the near future!

Mercy Me - Beautiful

Girls!
Such a lovely message in this song!

You are made for so much more than this! All that drama in your life, don't let it get you down. Walk taller because you have the freedom to CHOOSE who you will become in this life!

I am so passionate about YOU, even if I have never met you, I know I was meant to touch your life in some way. Your life is precious. Take it seriously. Be your best!

You are BEAUTIFUL!

SNOOKI - a role model? Rutgers University thinks so...

Even if you live under a rock, you know who Snooki is.
Even if you have never turned on an episode of Jersey Shore (which I would advise you not to), you know who Snooki is.

Nicole Polizzi is now famous for her foul-mouth rants, her party-girl tendencies and her inappropriate under-the-covers activities. Apparently Rutgers, a prestigious University, felt that this was the type of woman they wanted to celebrate. WHAT?!

They hosted Snooki last week as part of their optional student activities.

Parents pay a whopping $23,000 per year for their student to attend Rutgers, a University that prides itself in shaping students to become productive members of society.

From the Rutgers website: "As it was at our founding in 1766, the heart of our mission is preparing students to become productive members of society and good citizens of the world. Rutgers teaches across the full educational spectrum: preschool to precollege; undergraduate to graduate and postdoctoral; and continuing education for professional and personal advancement. Rutgers is New Jersey’s land-grant institution and one of the nation’s foremost research universities, and as such, we educate, make discoveries, serve as an engine of economic growth, and generate ideas for improving people’s lives."

This esteemed university paid Snooki $32,000 ($2,000 more than they are paying Toni Morrison, the Nobel Prize-winning author that will be speaking at graduation and almost $10,000 more than the annual tuition) for her appearance where her message to students was appropriately named,

STUDY HARD...PARTY HARDER!

The Rutgers University Programming Association, a student-run committee invited Snooki to speak after polling students as to who they would like to have. The mandatory student activity fee that each student pays with their tuition each year is where the funds came from to host the STUDY HARD...PARTY HARDER event!

Parents are in an uproar. Essentially more than one student's full year's tuition went into Snooki's pocket.

What message is this sending?

Your parents teach you to make wise choices, stand up for yourself and insist on being respected by boys. We teach teens to "Just say no," to be responsible for your actions and a whole world of opportunities will be open to you.

GIRLS BEWARE: This is not what the media is teaching you.

Rutgers is allowing someone with no moral compass to impact a student body with her own twisted view of the world.

Girls, this is where MEDIA LITERACY is so important.

Look closely at what made Snooki famous...

What do YOU want to be known for?

The activities and events you partake in begin to define you. When something starts to define you, it becomes what people expect from you. What people expect becomes the pressure you feel to fit that mold. Then, you become what you invest your time in, those activities and events from the beginning of this paragraph.

What will you invest your time in?

You are worth investing in and that is why I write this blog. It is why I speak and counsel/mentor teen girls. You are worth my time.
You are worth your weight in gold.

So, learn how to SHINE, for the right reasons!