Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #6

Dear Journal,

I've realized that there really can never be a ending to these feelings..

You never just wake up and feel amazing again..

That's just not the way life is..

Each day is a struggle, but everyone handles it different..

Some people have different struggles, some just can't handle life..

It's a constant climb up a slippery slope..

Can anyone make it to the top? Does anyone even want to? What's it like up there? I'm sure there are a lot of people up there, cheering us all on..

Maybe we're so far down, we can't hear them..

But just because we can't hear them, does that mean their there? I guess it's the same with depression..

Even if I can't feel it, I just kind of KNOW that it's there..

But I have the choice to give up and slide voluntarily down that slippery slope to the sharp rocks below..

Or I could look my demons right in the eye and say, "I will be strong, I won't back down, you've made me small, but I won't submit anymore.."

it's gonna be harder saying that, but I just keep thinking, that at my funeral, whenever it may be, I don't want them to say, "she succumbed to her demons, she let them have her.."

I want them to say " she struggled, but she never stopped fighting.."

Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #5

Dear journal,
Every day is simply a memory, yesterday seems so long ago, but it's really only hours ago.

But hours can be a long time, if you are waiting for something. It always takes longer.

I'm waiting for life. A better life. If I decided to get better, and someone asked me the next day when I stopped hurting myself, I could honestly say "a long time ago." time is just like that, I guess...

What would it be like to honestly be "fine"? I wonder if it would be nice, not to feel all the hurt. I wish I could just erase it from memory, and never remember it again.  

Maybe I could smile without that little voice in the back of my head asking me "are you really smiling because your happy? Or because it relieves everyone else and its just what they want to see..."

Gosh, I hate that voice..

Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #4

Journal entry #4

Dear Journal,

I'm sitting in my room with my earphones in, listening to music, trying to NOT listen to my parents arguing. That's all they seem to do lately. And when they aren't together, all I hear is them griping about each other.

My dads job takes him away sometimes, and a few times I think my mom insinuated that my dad was sneaking off to see some other woman. That hurts me when i hear it. But I'm preparing myself ahead of time. If they separate (which is looking more and more likely) then I need to decide who I'm going to stay with...

Probably mom. But maybe dad. I'm not sure.

I can't tell anyone that my parents are fighting like this. I can tell them they are fighting, but I can't get into details. They wouldn't understand. They'd think I'm overreacting. But they don't understand what it's like when the only thing you hear all day is arguing.

When my dad and mom aren't arguing, it's my sisters or sometimes even me! I'm getting so sick of it! Cant they just... Stop?

When I do my school, I get so stressed. I can't concentrate! No one understands. My mom, again, believes I'm just being lazy.

But she doesn't know what it's like when all you want to do is collapse and let the world drain out of you. When you just can't go on, but you have to anyways. It's so hard!

But... I can't explain that to anyone. Because no one understands.

I'm alone...

Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #3

Journal entry #2

Dear Journal,
Well, today's a new day, pretty much the same as the last.. People are rushing, rushing, complaining, arguing, and criticizing... Am I wrong to just sit and watch? It seems lately I'm too tired to do anything but watch.. Why am I so tired lately? I mean, I'm tired of living, tired of fighting with myself, tired of tossing and turning night after night, trying to get these feelings out of my head.. That's mostly why my mom complains.. She thinks I'm lazy.. I guess I am.. But I feel so weak and helpless. I don't feel like I'm good enough for anything else... Can I just scream at the world, and make it stop? Can someone please stop this roller coaster called life? I'd like to get off now...

Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #2

I am thrilled to introduce the second installment of the newest feature on The Butterfly Girlz Blog, "Girl with SCARS," which is a series of journal entries that will amaze you. These journal entries are REAL, truly from a young girls journal. 'Girl with SCARS' writes these journal entries as a way of healing. Some are painful, some are sad and all will leave you wanting more.

Please give a Butterfly Girlz welcome to our anonymous teen writer who prefers, 'Girl with SCARS,' to her own name.

Journal Entry #2

Dear Journal,
Normally when you see someone, "hey! How are you?" is the most popular starting sentence, to which one usually answers with "fine." or "great!" or something along the lines of that.. Usually the person asking the question is satisfied with the pretty boring usual answer, although they sometimes get a puzzled, thoughtful look on their faces, like they're considering asking you again for confirmation as to if you are truly 'fine.' If that happens, I usually decide that it's about time to change the subject. I can fake being 'great' when asked once, but after the second time, my mind starts questioning me.. "should I trust them and tell them that I'm really feeling horrible? What if they start asking more questions? Can I think of solutions to best/worst case scenarios? " if I decide that the person in question is reliable, then I confide that I am terrible, then topics get deep, and I end up telling more than I wanted to.. Usually I end up regretting it... You see, I have trust issues.. But not you're average run-of-the-mill "I can't trust anyone" trust issues.. Mine are more of the opposite actually.. I trust people too easily, and they usually let me down... But its like, I want to trust SOMEONE out there, so I let my walls down, and people return my trust for more hurt... Which ends up making me have the average run-of-the-mill trust issues.. It's quite complex actually...

Introducing: Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #1

I am thrilled to introduce the newest feature on The Butterfly Girlz Blog, "Girl with SCARS," which is a series of journal entries that will amaze you. These journal entries are REAL, truly from a young girls journal. 'Girl with SCARS' writes these journal entries as a way of healing. Some are painful, some are sad and all will leave you wanting more.

Please give a Butterfly Girlz welcome to our anonymous teen writer who prefers, 'Girl with SCARS,' to her own name.

Journal Entry #1

Dear Journal,
I was making cookies with my grandma today, and I was scraping the cookies off the baking sheet and placing them on paper towels on the counter... As my grandma walked off towards the dining room to read more of her book, she stated over her shoulder, "just don't burn yourself!" I wanted to reply with "I usually try not to burn myself grandma." but before I opened my mouth, my mind went back to the first time I hurt myself, myself... I had burned myself..

Why? I look down onto the innocent hair tool in my hand. Why? I try to control the shaking inside as I slip my wrist in-between the straighteners bars. Why? I wait to feel the heat, the heat that promises to relieve my pain. Why? I close my eyes tight and brace myself. Why? My skin tingles under the warmth.

Then it's over. I stare at the red mark on my wrist. Did I really just allow that to happen? Did I really just do that? As I stare at the red fading back to my normal skin tone, I breathe heavily.

What have I done?