TOXIC PEOPLE, TOXIC SITUATIONS... it's Journal Entry Friday

Toxic - acting as or having the effect of a poison; poisonous, harmful or deadly, likely to cause significant loss to the holder

So, read that definition and be honest with yourself. Today we will start identifying the things in your life that are TOXIC!

It could be a friendship, an acquaintance, a website, a job, one of your classmates, a boyfriend, a family member, something you are doing to your body, the thoughts in your mind or ARE YOU being toxic to someone else?

One of our older girls on A Girl's Gathering shared how she dealt with her TOXIC situation just last night...

"Girls today took a lot of strength for me to do but I did it, today I quit my job! I am ready to move on to the next chapter of my life and that drama filled place is not where it's at!"

All of the comments she received were supportive virtual high fives! We all knew she did the right thing! But how many of us would have been strong enough to pull away from something like she did?

Sometimes that toxic situation is our closest friend, a family member or the boy we have been dating for a long time. Don't fool yourself into believing that if it would be difficult to walk away, then it's not TOXIC. Many girls fall into this trap, especially with boys! We think that if it's going to hurt, then it must be the wrong choice when, in fact, sometimes the BEST decisions HURT THE MOST!

You know what relationships are like poison in your life. What relationship or situation just seems to suck the life out of you? Who are you with when you feel at your lowest? In what situation do you find yourself doing things that are far from who people believe you to be?

It's time to start doing some soul searching...

Make a list of situations where you made some (or thought about it) bad choices...

Jot down the thoughts you are entertaining that seem ok until you imagine yourself admitting them out loud...

Then make a plan for how you will walk away! It could just save your life.

If you don't have anyone to talk to about this, come join the conversation on A Girl's Gathering or email me privately at mybutterflygirlz@yahoo.com

Use the journal page below to take this first step to save yourself from the drama of toxic relationships and situations!

Demi Lovato and BULLYING

You wanna talk ROLE MODEL?

Demi Lovato discusses her struggles very openly on Ellen. She takes the hand she was dealt and turns it into a way to bless others.

Demi also admits that her almost-near-death struggles are directly related to the bullying she suffered in school. The mean words and hateful comments from her peers almost destroyed her even after she had hit the big time. Bullying is SERIOUS! Whether it's done in person or online... it can truly take the life out of you.

But what is so refreshing to see is someone as HUGE as Demi Lovato being REAL... being HUMAN!
We are all human and this celebrity takes that very seriously. There is no pretending with this pop star. She is REAL, she is AUTHENTIC and there is something to be said for her strength and resolve.
If you missed her conversation with Ellen, check it out here:

...and then she performed...

Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #6

Dear Journal,

I've realized that there really can never be a ending to these feelings..

You never just wake up and feel amazing again..

That's just not the way life is..

Each day is a struggle, but everyone handles it different..

Some people have different struggles, some just can't handle life..

It's a constant climb up a slippery slope..

Can anyone make it to the top? Does anyone even want to? What's it like up there? I'm sure there are a lot of people up there, cheering us all on..

Maybe we're so far down, we can't hear them..

But just because we can't hear them, does that mean their there? I guess it's the same with depression..

Even if I can't feel it, I just kind of KNOW that it's there..

But I have the choice to give up and slide voluntarily down that slippery slope to the sharp rocks below..

Or I could look my demons right in the eye and say, "I will be strong, I won't back down, you've made me small, but I won't submit anymore.."

it's gonna be harder saying that, but I just keep thinking, that at my funeral, whenever it may be, I don't want them to say, "she succumbed to her demons, she let them have her.."

I want them to say " she struggled, but she never stopped fighting.."

Hey! Hey!

Sometimes you just want to S.C.R.E.A.M!

How many times has an adult said, "You can't worry about what other people think!"

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT?! Wouldn't it be easier to herd 100 cats into a garage filled with Great Danes?

Well, for me, it makes it easier when I am struggling with something to remember that I am NOT ALONE. Right? Think of something you struggle with or worry about.... do you honestly think you are the ONLY person who feels this way?

We are in this together, right? There's always going to be someone who shares your insecurity, your fears, your struggles.

I always encourage girls to STICK TOGETHER - we are SISTERS in this thing called LIFE! We need to ban together and HOLD ON, cuz it's gonna be a wild ride.

This is what girls are starting to feel through my workshops - it's a safe zone. No judging. No cliques. Just OPEN, HONEST REAL GIRLS! And it is so refreshing!

This video is for you! SUPERCHICK is one of my favorite bands! Enjoy this song! And live it!

HEY! HEY!

THINK before you ACT... it's Journal Entry Friday!

Have you ever acted on impulse and then had to live with regret? Sometimes it's a small mistake and sometimes it is life-changing. When I was in high school, my friends and I regularly talked about how awesome it would be if we could have ONE REWIND for every perplexing scenario.

So, you hear that the boy you like might be asking someone else to Prom. So, if we had this ONE REWIND, we could ask him to Prom before he asks the other girl and if the result is mortifying, we could REWIND, not ask him and move on.

Or, if you were considering sacrificing one of the personal boundaries you had set for yourself you could cross that line, see what the result was and REWIND if it proved itself to be a boundary that shouldn't be crossed.

OK, WAKE UP! No more daydreaming.

Life isn't like that - we learn by trial and error. If it doesn't work, don't do it again.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." ~Albert Einstein

But what about the FIRST time we are faced with those situations or scenarios? How do you decide what the right choice is? Is it even POSSIBLE to know what the right decision is?

I can promise you that if you sit down and write out what your PERSONAL BOUNDARIES are and you LIVE THOSE BOUNDARIES - those "what if" scenarios won't seem so daunting. The RIGHT choice will just stand right out.

Jenna chose to cross a boundary she thought she had securely set:

"It's not like one day you decide to get pregnant. It's a series of compromises, small decisions that lead to a big consequence; and that moment when you find out you're having a baby, everything changes forever. I got pregnant the first night I had sex. That one night of drinking with my friends changed the course of my life forever...if you don't stay closely connected to God and have a strong accountability in your life, what seems like tiny physical compromises in a relationship can lead to huge regrets."

So, I ask you all the time to think about your boundaries but this time I want you to make those boundaries CONCRETE! But here's the catch... you need to be consistent in those boundaries in THOUGHT, WORD and ACTION. So, your journal entries will look like this:

Boundary ---->
Thought ---->
Word ----->
Action----->

Then you will repeat these 4 things down the page - one set of 4 for each boundary you will set.

Here's an example on GOSSIP:

Boundary ----> No gossiping.
Thought ----> When someone tells me something about someone else, I need to realize it is not FACT unless I hear it directly FROM the person the gossip is about
Word -----> I will not spread gossip or tell info about someone else that is not in that person's best interest
Action-----> I will tell others to STOP when I am privy to gossip and I will speak my mind on how hurtful those words can be to the person who is not even there to stand up for themself or tell their side

Now, it's your turn.

Use the journal page below if you don't have your own journal and start SETTING YOUR BOUNDARIES that will keep you from having REGRET!

Girl with SCARS...Journal Entry #5

Dear journal,
Every day is simply a memory, yesterday seems so long ago, but it's really only hours ago.

But hours can be a long time, if you are waiting for something. It always takes longer.

I'm waiting for life. A better life. If I decided to get better, and someone asked me the next day when I stopped hurting myself, I could honestly say "a long time ago." time is just like that, I guess...

What would it be like to honestly be "fine"? I wonder if it would be nice, not to feel all the hurt. I wish I could just erase it from memory, and never remember it again.  

Maybe I could smile without that little voice in the back of my head asking me "are you really smiling because your happy? Or because it relieves everyone else and its just what they want to see..."

Gosh, I hate that voice..

COURAGE: it's Journal Exercise Friday

Yesterday's post was a short "get ya going" kind of discussion on preparing yourself for situations where you will need courage. Read about it HERE.

You know that there will be situations, at least weekly and sometimes daily that will call for you to do the right thing. But doing the right thing isn't always so easy, is it? Just like any other situation you have to prepare for, you need to practice your response so it comes naturally. You want it to become second-nature.

Yesterday I talked about SMALL STEPS, how to start nurturing your COURAGE without even needing to utter a word. Walking away from a situation you don't agree with is a great first step. And simple!

LARGE LEAPS are the next things that you will work up to. This is where you will start putting your feelings into words and sharing how you feel verbally. This is difficult to do so what makes it easier? Practice. Practice. Practice. Does that mean you have to be in the same awful situation 100 times before you get it right? Nope. It means you become a really good script writer. What? Yes, script writing!

This is one of my favorite things I teach girls to do. If you think you can't take anymore drama, but you only think of the perfect thing to say AFTER the drama is over, or you flip out and then spend the next two weeks mending the wounds you created with your temper then you are a perfect candidate for a script!

You know the typical situations that require a response that you are never prepared to give. Maybe it's an annoying person at school that uses you as the brunt of their jokes or gossip. Maybe it's a boy who pressures you in ways you feel are unacceptable. Each of you will have different scenarios so there is no ONE script I can give you to solve your problem. This is part of courage, where you step up and script your life.

A couple weeks ago I was talking to a girl who was having a situation come up with boys at school who were mocking her  and making her feel stupid in front of other people. She felt this situation was happening because she is a peacemaker - she is someone, like me, who HATES confrontation, HATES to have arguments, HATES drama. She was an easy target because she would never 'come back' with anything - she would ignore their words but soon be in private in tears with embarrassment.

She said that when this was happening she always wished she had the perfect thing to say when people do that so she would come out on top. She would stand up for herself and in her own way. Not out of anger, not through tears, but in that moment that is just too difficult to comprise that kind of response. The natural response would be to flip out and end up becoming more of a target.

So, we wrote a script. Something that got her feelings across simply and respectfully (because no matter how badly someone disrespects you, it is never a good idea to play that same card in your response) and most importantly to her, calmly and without need for drama.

"You know, when you feel the need to belittle someone and make them feel stupid, it shows that you are weak and have to make someone else look as little as you feel. I feel bad for you. You should talk to someone about that."

This is a TRUTH, it is RESPECTFUL and it was in the CALM STYLE that is her personality.

Now what? Does she write it on her arm everyday  in preparation for the next time he picks on her?

What does an actor do when the producer mails her the script? She practices. She learns her lines.

I told this sweet girl I was scripting with to practice this in the shower, while driving to school, before she goes to sleep. Out loud. You need to physically SAY these words, you need to HEAR yourself saying them. The more your let your brain and your mouth OWN your scripted responses, the EASIER it will be to say it to that person that needs to hear it.

This is such a fun EMPOWERING exercise!!! Now it's your turn.

Below is a journal page from the book - print it out and start journalling your scripts - you may have many or just one. But write it out. It doesn't need to be long. Simple and to the point is always better.

Fridays are going to be Journal Exercise Days, so get a folder, designate it as your Butterfly Girlz journal and print out the journal pages. Do the exercise. And as ALWAYS, share what you are thinking, how the exercises worked for you (or DIDN'T work) - I LOVE FEEDBACK!