Are you a FACEBOOK fake?

Facebook says, "How you present yourself on Facebook says a lot about who you are—just like what you say and do at school or with your friends. In all public places, online and off, it’s important to represent yourself as the kind of person you want to be."

So, WHO are YOU?

Take a peek back through the last couple days of your facebook use... how did you portray yourself?

Did you use foul/offensive language?

Did you threaten someone?

Did you post personal information about yourself or someone else?

Now, here's a real meter for how you are portraying yourself...

Think of someone who thinks you are the greatest - a grandmother, the little girl you babysit for, your little sister or the lady from church...

Now. go back and peek at the last couple days of what you have posted... on yours and the walls of your "friends" - would that person think the SAME way about you after reading those posts?

If the answer is "yes" then you are AWESOME at staying TRUE to WHO you ARE!

If the answer is "ugh..not-so-much" then you have a little work to do, some changes to make... maybe even some apologies to take care of.

There is a lot more info on facebook's SAFETY page about how to use facebook RESPONSIBLY!

You should check it out.

Here is a link directly to the SAFETY FOR TEENS page on Facebook. Check it out!

If YOU were in the DICTIONARY... it's Journal Entry Friday!

Yesterday I posed the question,
"If YOU were in a dictionary, what would you WANT your definition to be?"

Jay McGraw (Dr. Phil's son) says, "You have to name it, before you can claim it." You can't go through life not knowing what you stand for. There's a famous quote that says, "If you don't know what you stand for, you will fall for anything."

I have talked to so many girls over the years who tell me about a boy taking advantage of them physically. They tell me the boy just kept saying, "Shhh, it's ok." They tell me they just weren't comfortable saying, "No!" In all cases these girls feel like something has been stolen from them. There is no doubt in their minds that those boys were wrong in what they did. They don't doubt that giving themselves (even parts of themselves) away was a mistake they will deal with for the rest of their lives. So, why did they let it happen?

I believe these things happen because we don't lay down CONCRETE boundaries in our lives. Girls as young as 2 and 3 are taught about inappropriate touching and what to do if it happens. But when you girls grow up, you get to a point in your lives where your mom can't determine your boundaries anymore. You need to OWN your decisions about what DEFINES you. YOU have this responsibility but all too often no one tells you that. Then you get into a situation with a boy or a mean girl pressuring you to do something you believe to be wrong and because you don't STAND for anything you FALL for their lies.

I am going to tell you a story from when I was 19.

I spent my high school years being the "goody two shoes." Some people made fun of me but mostly it was the girls who weren't as virtuous as I was and I just read into it that they were jealous that I was strong enough to say "no" to many things I was confronted with. I wasn't an outcast, I was a cheerleader, I dated the star basketball player on and off for 3 years. I was active in clubs and activities in school, I was in the Show Choir (which wasn't as drama-filled as GLEE!) So it wasn't my lack of popularity that made me a target, it was simply my choices and how OTHER people felt about them....as if I was wearing shirts that said, "I am better than you because I don't.... or .... or...."

When I went to college, I dated a boy that was my first experience with a "bad boy" so these boundaries I had set for myself were truly tested. I hadn't had anyone ask me, "What DEFINES you?" or "What are your personal concrete boundaries?" I was TOLD by my mom what the answers to those questions were. But, being in this not-so-healthy relationship helped me make those answers MY OWN.

One day I realized that when you have DEFINED BOUNDARIES, people can just sense it. When your boundaries are obvious by what you say, do and how you act...you don't deal with alot of what other girls your age do when it comes to peer pressure.

My boyfriend and I were at a party at his friend Rob's house. Unbeknownst to me, Rob was the biggest pig on the planet. At one point in the party a couple girls I didn't know came up to me and said, "We aren't sure what is going on but ever since you got here, Rob has been on his best behavior." I had no idea what they were talking about, I had never met the kid before so I had nothing to compare it to. On the way home that night, my boyfriend said, "Ya know, Rob really respects you. He didn't swear once or tell a dirty joke or be a pig once. It's like he KNEW you were a 'good girl'. I didn't think Rob had a decent bone in his body."

It was then that I realized that living my life the way I did, was SHOWING people what I would and would not accept from them. I didn't have to have a toe-to-toe confrontation with Rob to tell him my feelings about his foul mouth...he just behaved himself b/c it's what I EXPECTED. It was my DEFINITION.

"If YOU were in a dictionary, what would you WANT your definition to be?"

Now, I will tell you that staying together with this 'bad boy' led me down some roads where I stepped across my own boundaries enough times that what I had worked to build for those 19 years, fell and I had to rebuild portions of it again. So, I can see this situation from more that one side. I know what it's like to fall. But I know how much easier it is to get up if you BELIEVE in your own DEFINITION!

Use the following journal page to hash out your own PERSONAL DEFINITION. What will you demand from those around you? Respect, appropriate behaviors, drug-free friends, no bullying, no foul jokes, etc.....

Write your name as the word being DEFINED, then follow it with the definition...."a person who expects ........... a person who doesn't......... a person who won't tolerate............ a person who will always...................." Add more if you like.

Do YOU respect YOU?

So, lately I have been getting a lot of mail from teen girls complaining about the lack of respect they get from their boyfriends or simply boys in general.

I always assume that for every teen brave enough to step out of their comfort zone and contact me, there are probably 50 that don't have the nerve to ask.

I thought it would be a good subject to cover considering I spend alot... and I mean A LOT... of time talking to girls about this, it makes me sad that so many accept behavior from others that steals their self-respect. Sad for everyone involved.
This isn't a post to point a finger or insult anyone. Quite honestly if you are disrespecting someone you are hurting just as much as the person you are trying to hurt. The people who do the disrespecting make it quite obvious that they are struggling with something. When someone has a regular impulse to humiliate or bully someone else, there is pain there.

Learning more about RESPECT will help both sides of this problem.

I recently reached out to a girl on facebook who had something posted by a boy on her wall that just about made my eyes water. Now, I am not in a bubble. Yes, I am a mom but being involved in the lives of today's teens means I have walked around the block with more than a few of them. I know the lingo, I know the way peers goof around with each other.

But what this boy wrote was inappropriate. I was offended.The first thing I did was look at how long ago it had been posted  - over an hour
Then I looked at how many comments had been left - many, many
Finally I searched to see what her response was - "lol"
·      Why did I look at WHEN it was posted? When someone posts something on your facebook that is obviously offensive, leaving it there is a REFLECTION of the RESPECT you demand. By not erasing that post, that poor girl was being viewed as a doormat, open to anyone's dirt and grime.
·     Why did I see how many comments had been left? I was curious how many people had seen the post before me and how many were willing to stand up for a friend.
·      Why did I look to see her response? I was hoping I would find that she had let the derogatory comment up so she could respond appropriately and show the world (so to speak) WHAT her WORTH was!

I was so sad for her that her only response was "lol." I wanted to see her leave a response something like this:

"Look, if you feel the need to be inappropriate, don't do it here. If you need to degrade a girl to make yourself feel better, that is sad but I am asking you to NEVER comment on my wall again."

When I messaged her we chatted for a while and within the first couple seconds of our conversation, I felt blessed to have met her. She was such a beautiful, gentle soul. She simply explained that this boy was a very good friend, he was just kidding, "he always talks like that" and it was meant in jest.

Teenagers live, sleep and breathe the desire to TEST THE WATERS. This boy is testing WHO he can go just a little bit farther with. He wants to see how much his friends will take. He's not a bad guy. He's not an evil person. He is just testing the waters. He wants to know what his boundaries are.

This is a dangerous situation for both the people he disrespects and himself. The lines need to be clear.

For Him: He needs to know what respect feels like - because giving respect actually FEELS GOOD! But if no one around him demands it, he will never know that beauty. He will never be a true blessing to himself and others. He is missing out on an amazing part of his own life.

For Her: She needs to know what respect feels like - because being respected actually FEELS GOOD! But if you let someone treat you with less than the utmost respect verbally, you are opening the door to being mistreated physically. If a boy knows he can say those things to you with no reaction, what happens when you are all at a party and he wants something you are not willing to give. Do you think he will respect your decision? If you set the boundaries IMMEDIATELY, there will be no question that "NO" means "NO!"

DEMAND RESPECT! You are worth it!
GIVE RESPECT! They are worth it!
RESPECT YOURSELF! Feel worth it!

I would love to hear your conversations on this subject.