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Friday, April 15, 2011

Boundaries w/ BOYS - It's Journal Entry Friday

The Butterfly Girlz Advisory Team has been talking about boys this week. We have been talking about what drives us crazy and how to deal with it. I thought this would be a great Friday Journaling subject.

So, here are some of the things the girls were saying...

K: [I hate it] when they act like they like you and then they totally ignore you and are super mean and annoying. This bothers me because they like lead you on and then you start to like the guy.

N: How they are nice to you on minute, then mean to you the next, it's so annoying.

M: I think what really gets me is when they say they like you, but they send you mixed signals. & they don't understand how girls work and usually end up hurting us in the end :(

E: with some guys, if they like u, they don't show it. instead they r mean to u and do weird things to try to "impress" you. that gets on my nerves.

My advice to the girls: Ya know, I don't even think they realize they do this sometimes, their brains are so all over the place at this age, I think they also like to be in control of the situation so they don't get shot down first... it is not fair... but you know what you can learn from this? GUARD YOUR HEART...don't fall too fast... put your trust in YOU to make a wise decision, not in THEM to be who you HOPE they are...

Then the conversations changed directions a little with the following comment from one of the older girls on the Team:

L: This may only fall in the category of boys who like you/ boyfriends.... boys who are clingy!! Let me do my thing dude, you'll get your time haha.

This comment fell right in line with what I was trying to get across... and made me think of something CHAD EASTHAM said at The Revolve Tour last weekend...he was talking about making plans and setting boundaries.

He asked girls for a definition of the word DATING... he got many very different responses. The variation of what girls think "dating" is was astounding...from hanging out with the boy you like to being in love with someone that you do everything with.

Then he asked girls to define the word HOUSE. Well, of course, that was much easier. A house has rooms with walls, it has windows and doors...etc etc.

I bought Chad's new book (LOVE his title!!) and I came upon this same conversation again and thought it would be a GREAT way to hash out this issue we have with the ways boys/boyfriends treat us.

It is easy for us to define what a HOUSE is because we have a clear concept of WHAT IT IS. There are things you need to have in a structure you will call a house - it needs to have a kitchen, some bedrooms, bathrooms (of course), a living room or den. There have to be doors and windows to be able to get in and out.

So, when it comes to boys, do you set up the same kind of "plan" - with boys, those details need to be laid out as boundaries...which in essence is how a house is laid out. We have a bathroom right next to our  kitchen, I NEED there to be a wall there - that is the boundary I have set for the people trying to eat dinner. That boundary keeps the four of us at the dinner table from having to be a part of what is going on in the bathroom with the one that left just moments ago.

Chad talks about setting boundaries by laying out what you EXPECT from a relationship with a boy. I thought the questions he asks would be PERFECT to follow up our week-long discussion the Advisory Team has been having about boys and also is a helpful tool for anyone old enough to start thinking they might be interested in a specific boy.

Chad challenges us to think AHEAD about what we EXPECT:
Use the following questions and the journal page below to do this week's FRIDAY JOURNAL ENTRY!

  • How much time are you going to spend together?
  • How much time are you going to spend talking on the phone, texting or chatting online?
  • What physical boundaries have you set for yourself? What lines with you NOT cross under any circumstances?
  • What kind of time will you spend with each other's friends and families?
And I want to add a couple questions about boundaries, too...

  • What are your VERBAL boundaries? Are there words and/or subjects that you will not accept as appropriate when spoken in front of or to you?
  • What are his boyfriend 'no-brainers' in your mind? Will he walk you to class? Will he change lunch tables to sit with you and not his friends?
  • Will he have boundaries YOU will need to respect? What are they?

By digging a little deeper, you may find out some things you didn't know about yourself. and that's why JOURNAL ENTRY FRIDAY is so stinkin' cool!

Here's your journal page:

Thanks Chad Eastham for inspiring us to think DEEPER!

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